In recent conversations with my mom, I've been giving serious consideration to things that I genuinely LIKE to do. She mentioned that I should investigate some type of research field. This started me down a road that has led me to an interesting part-time gig as a Vetter.
To vet. Verb: to appraise, verify, or check for accuracy, authenticity, validity, etc.: An expert vetted the manuscript before publication.
While this particular gig will never make me rich -- hell, it may not pay a single bill -- it DOES have me thinking differently about my future. I'm hopeful for the first time in quite a long time and I'm actively engaged in the conversation of 'what if'.
Stay tuned!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
The Wonder of it All
I find myself in a 'musing' mood today. I wonder:
- What more it would have taken for people to think Irene was a BIG DEAL?
- Why some people feel the need to ascribe awful events to god and then assign some sort of arbitrary 'reason' for them (i.e. god's punishment for homosexuality, god trying to get politician's attention, god's retribution for a country gone astray)?
- Why bad things happen to good people?
- Why contents always settle during shipping?
- Why I continue to shovel food into my mouth when I'm full.
That's all for today... I'm sure there will be more tomorrow. The world is, after all, full of wonderous things!
Friday, August 19, 2011
What Day is it?
I woke up this morning believing that today was Thursday, August 18th. I don't know why. Perhaps since I've been out on medical leave for nearly a month, I've ceased to truly pay attention to the calendar, but boy was I surprised to find that it's Friday. I kept waiting for the moment of realization that comes in the midst of dreaming... thinking that, surely, this was my mind playing tricks on me. Alas, it was not. So, where did that whole day GO, anyway?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Roller-Coasters
I've been engaged in an internal dialogue these past few months around what I want to do with the rest of my life and what I really believe. It's been an interesting dialogue, but one without any real conclusions. After over a year in the job market here in Hawaii, I basically 'gave up' and went back to my financial consulting career -- kicking and screaming -- but feeling as if I needed to be making SOME contribution to the household. Since then, I've been miserable with a capital M.
The misery has not been without its benefit though, as it has flung me head-long into the 'what do I believe' inquiry. Life, interestingly, pointed me to a documentary called, "Why I am No Longer a Christian". The first half of this video could have been lifted directly from my life story - including the questioning of the inerrant nature of scripture, the Old Testament God vs. the New Testament God vis-à-vis human sacrifice, murder, genocide, etc. and the punishment of hell for all non-Christians. The documentary goes on to discuss the realization that intercessory prayer is futile in the face of an omnipotent, omniscient god. I've wrestled with all of these concepts for my entire spiritual life. The documentarian has carried his inquiry to the gates of atheism, but I'm not prepared to go that far. I'm not convinced that evolution is the final answer, nor am I convinced that the Big Bang created a universe as diverse and complex as ours... so I have paused in the garden of pantheism for the time being.
This still leaves me wondering what would make me want to get out of bed every morning with something other than a sense of dread for the next 20 or so years. Not one single answer comes without strings. One thing I have always thought I would be good at is counseling... back to school I'd go for that one. It would be meaningful and challenging, but would not come with a 9 - 5 time clock. Teaching is another area in which I think I could excel - but here in Hawaii, that is a precarious and ill-paying prospect. Perhaps the question comes down to where am I willing to compromise? Am I willing to trade time away from my husband for professional fulfillment? I don't think that would be good for our marriage. Am I willing to suck up my pride and live as a "kept woman" for the time it takes to go back to school to become certified in a new field? Maybe. If only our financial footing weren't so precarious.
Some days I feel as if I've navigated an entire roller-coaster's worth of thoughts and options and decisions only to find at the end of the day, as with all roller-coasters, I'm right back where I started.
The misery has not been without its benefit though, as it has flung me head-long into the 'what do I believe' inquiry. Life, interestingly, pointed me to a documentary called, "Why I am No Longer a Christian". The first half of this video could have been lifted directly from my life story - including the questioning of the inerrant nature of scripture, the Old Testament God vs. the New Testament God vis-à-vis human sacrifice, murder, genocide, etc. and the punishment of hell for all non-Christians. The documentary goes on to discuss the realization that intercessory prayer is futile in the face of an omnipotent, omniscient god. I've wrestled with all of these concepts for my entire spiritual life. The documentarian has carried his inquiry to the gates of atheism, but I'm not prepared to go that far. I'm not convinced that evolution is the final answer, nor am I convinced that the Big Bang created a universe as diverse and complex as ours... so I have paused in the garden of pantheism for the time being.
This still leaves me wondering what would make me want to get out of bed every morning with something other than a sense of dread for the next 20 or so years. Not one single answer comes without strings. One thing I have always thought I would be good at is counseling... back to school I'd go for that one. It would be meaningful and challenging, but would not come with a 9 - 5 time clock. Teaching is another area in which I think I could excel - but here in Hawaii, that is a precarious and ill-paying prospect. Perhaps the question comes down to where am I willing to compromise? Am I willing to trade time away from my husband for professional fulfillment? I don't think that would be good for our marriage. Am I willing to suck up my pride and live as a "kept woman" for the time it takes to go back to school to become certified in a new field? Maybe. If only our financial footing weren't so precarious.
Some days I feel as if I've navigated an entire roller-coaster's worth of thoughts and options and decisions only to find at the end of the day, as with all roller-coasters, I'm right back where I started.
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