Mine, mine, mine, all mine!

After much deliberation, "A" has decided that Caleb loves me more than he loves him and that he should stay with me!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Adieu to the Piano

Adieu to the Piano: Attributed to Beethoven posthumously, this piece expresses a love for the piano forte and in its minor key development, the sadness at saying adieu.

Today, I'm taking pictures of my 1927 Steinway A-III Heirloom grand to send to a dealer who has expressed an interest in purchasing it from me. It hurts my heart to have to sell this gorgeous instrument with the warm, rich tones -- but given the fact that I'll likely be moving twice in the next 18 months and need to maintain two households for the foreseeable future, I see no alternatives. It's a time of change for me right now and, quite frankly, I'm not dealing with it very well at all. In addition to selling the piano, I'm facing separation from my baby boy - Caleb; the sale of my grandmother's house where I've lived since her passing; taking a step backward in my career; and divorcing my husband of nine years.

It struck me the other day that I have spent nearly a quarter of my life with this man -- some of the most difficult years of my life. I would like to say that I'm handling it all with grace and aplomb, but I'm not. I know that, ultimately, I will come through it all - as I always have - and will be a better, stronger person for having done so. It's just a tough patch at the moment and my place of solace - at the keys - will be absent for the duration.

Ma'am, step AWAY from the Blackberry

It occurs to me that booze and Blackberries simply do not mix. For the third time in as many weeks, I have fired off a totally inappropriate text message after the third or fourth adult beverage and it's become embarrassing! If I could figure out how to install a breathalyzer on the damned thing, I would -- they can do it with car ignitions, surely someone out there can figure out how to lock you out of the text messaging function if you're toasted.

So, this morning, once again, I'm sending the obligatory "I'm sorry... I'm an idiot" e-mail. Now, I need a nap. I'm old and simply cannot handle the late nights any more. (sigh) Sad, but true.

When the Emotional Becomes Physical

Recently I've found that the mere thought of coming home causes me physical pain. It happened again today. I had been fine for most of my two days at the beach - save the emotional stress of trying to figure out what to do about my job (or the lack thereof) and trying to figure out why a friend took a particular, unexpected action in our relationship. Then, this morning after checking out of the hotel, I went for one last walk on the beach before heading home. As I turned around to head for the car, my stomach started hurting and by the time I reached the car, I was nearly bent over from the pain.

Just one more sign that I need to get this taken care of now... but it appears as if "A" is going to take every last day of the 90 days notice I gave him before he moves out... even offered to stay given the change in my work status.

In the midst of all of my personal drama, I got word that one of the two teens murdered near my home last week was the only son of my first high school boyfriend. That kind of put things in perspective.

The Job That Wasn't

For six weeks now - since the fateful day I got my lay-off notice -- everyone has been telling me that I'd be fine and that there would always be a place for me on the team in my region. I assumed that on May 5th, I would start a new job and that I would, indeed, be fine. On Thursday, I found out that while I may be "fine" in the long run, there is a hiccup in the plan: they have no spot for me at the moment and I could be unemployed for as much as 90 days while they "create" a spot. Given that I've offered bribe, I mean INCENTIVE, money to "A" to get him to move out, this puts me in a bit of a pickle. Were it not for the remuneration I received for The Trip That Wasn't, I would be up that well known creek with no visible means of propulsion.

I don't know what the Universe has in mind, but it should be an interesting ride!

As for my allusion to an interesting change coming in my life - there was a complete reversal there too... so nothing fun to look forward to.

(sigh)

The good part of my week is that I am at the Beach this weekend on the 12th floor of an oceanfront hotel soaking up one of the most gorgeous days in recent memory. This, thanks to the 75 days I spent in a hotel last year that earned me Platinum Elite status! :-)

Sweet!

Property Settlement Agreement - Check...

Divorced before my birthday -- check!

I'm so tickled with my attorney I could just dance a jig! Since "A" and I have been living separate and apart since last July with no marital relations (TMI, I know and I'm sorry), as soon as our PSA is filed with the court, I can file my complaint and will more than likely be divorced before my birthday in early June!!!!!

Now, if I can just get him to stop threatening suicide and wanting to take my dog away!!!!!

More later.

The Deed is Done

I spoke with A this weekend and told him that I think it's time we end the charade of pretending to be married. Of course, this necessitates him moving, so he wasn't happy about it. There was the usual accusation of cheating -- which I was expecting -- and even an offer to go to counseling -- which I didn't believe, because he has such a low opinion of anyone in that field. I've tried to remove as many obstacles as possible, so I'm paying for his movers and lifting his rent requirement until he moves out -- which, hopefully, will be on or about July 15th.

I have an appointment with an attorney on Wednesday and I'm on my way to the bank right now to unlink our accounts and remove the JTWROS provision from my accounts.

Now, I just have to figure out how to stay out of his way and convince him, without causing an argument, that Caleb should stay with me!

That's all I have for now.

Stay tuned!

Twist of Fate

My life has taken an interesting and unexpected turn. Stay tuned as a new possibility opens up and I set off into uncharted waters.

On the job front, I had one of THE most awful interviews of my life this past week. The hiring manager was the hind-end of an equine and tossed out such winning phrases as, "well, you DO realize that being a wholesaler is more than just being the bubbly girl at the front of the room whom everyone likes and when she's done they all say, 'wasn't she GREAT!'?" Oh, and then there was the priceless usage of the word "buffoon" in reference to our financial professionals and "nothing more than glorified trainers" in reference to the job I'm leaving. Yes, he was a real winner! I wouldn't take that job now if he begged me on hands and knees. What a schmuck!

On the home front, this weekend will be atom bomb weekend at my house. I have enough things settled that I feel confident in striking out on my own. I have a plan -- let's just hope it doesn't blow up in my face.

That's all for now... but, like I said, STAY TUNED!!!!!

Job Interview Hell

Last Friday I was scheduled to interview for a Regional job in Atlanta (just the interview, not the job). I got to the airport, after checking in from home the night before and arrived at the gate, handed over my "seat assignment" ticket and was told, "I'm sorry, we're over-booked and the next possible flight gets you in at 4:15 pm. My interview was at 1.

So, no trip to Atlanta for me. Now, I'm in New York, ready for the second try. Fingers crossed for a meaningful outcome -- that could either mean getting the job or getting a clear indication that it's the WRONG job for me.

More later.

F is for F-A-I-L

For the first time in my life (or at least in my memory), I failed a test. I knew just 95% of the information I needed in order to pass...

My morning started beautifully: I exercised (down 5 pounds this past week, thank you very much), ate a healthy breakfast, showered and packed up the car. I hit the road one hour prior to my exam for a typical 20 - 30 minute drive and then... there they were.. the flashing red lights, the miles of tail lights... a traffic jam. I was late for my exam by nearly 10 minutes. It went down hill from there.

Needless to say, I will be re-taking the exam in 30 days (there's a 30 day lock-out). Hopefully, the second time will be a charm. I've sent a scathing e-mail to the study material company for all of the technical difficulties and have made arrangements to "borrow" the old-fashioned practice exam disc from a colleague.

To top it off, the big boss announced that the three company trips for which I qualified have been cancelled by the company due to the fall-out from the AIG debacle. Even though we've accepted no TARP funds and are in an incredibly strong financial position, the top performers in our company are being punished and having our rewards snatched out from under us.

I'm just in a pissy mood tonight -- nothing that a good shot of Irish Whiskey and several good Ales could not cure.

Tomorrow is D-Day

At 9 am I will sit down for a six hour examination to become a General Securities Representative, which - along with 79 cents will get me a cup of Joe at the 7-11. The Universe has conspired against me this weekend. My home computer crashed and, along with it, the study interface for the practice exams. I've been relying on the old-fashioned method of studying: reading. I decided to take my ONE online practice this morning and the results were less-than-stellar -- not even a passing grade. That's frightening, given that the exam is just 17 hours away.

I printed out the results and trouble-shot the areas where I missed the most questions. Then, I decided to take another break to see if I could get the #&&"*#(% computer to cooperate with me. I have it running again, but I am unable to access any of the program files associated with my corrupt version of XP. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

So, it's back to the BOOK with me... all 781 pages of it.

Wish me luck!

59 More Days...

Today, I got my 60 Day Notification Letter. I have until May 4th to find another position within the company, or I will be terminated. The severance package: 2 weeks pay.

There you have it!

Now, I just have to decide which of the whopping THREE jobs I want. Country-wide, there are 21 jobs available and 84 people applying for them. While my leaders are all behind me, they all keep saying "there are NO guarantees." Without a Series 7, two of the jobs are out of reach - so I will be sitting for the exam on Monday, March 16th.

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it!

It's Yesterday Once More

shoo-bee-dooo-lang-lay....

Yesterday came and went without any announcement. What we did hear through the grapevine was that our wholesaling department has been decimated. We also heard that every other person in my position on the entire East Coast is being told to do the same thing I've been told to do -- all with eyes toward the ONE position that is open in my region. Nice.

Since my last post, I've stopped functioning normally. Everything I hear seems to be tied in some freakish way to the fact that my job is being eliminated. "Did you hear that Tony was late to work this morning?" My brain thinks: "He must have been at a super-secret meeting talking about the lay-offs. I KNEW it!!!"

Even GOOD news freaks me out. I had my annual review and it went really, really well. I got a nice bonus, albeit less than I had projected and was told that I'm also getting a raise, but he didn't know how much... My brain thinks: "He's not telling me how much because there really isn't going to BE a raise -- he's just stringing me along." I have RIFitis. There, I've said it. So sue me!

I've decided that the cure for this disease is a nice slumber party at the home of my friend, colleague and partner in crime in Richmond. We have a plan to annihilate our brains with copious amounts of alcohol so that we can't REMEMBER that there are lay-offs coming.

Hey, it's a plan. I doubt if you could come up with a better one, so lay-off! See, there I go again!

I'm a Control Freak

I admit it. I cannot stand not being in control of my own future. I'm sitting here waiting for my company to decide whether or not I have a job and wondering when the hell some one's going to tell me when it's all going down! Rumors are flying around -- everything from "it's over" to "you'll have through the end of the year." I'm leaning more toward the former, not the latter. Too many things are lining up for me to think that the picture is rosy. I went out to our intranet to download my job requirements and measurement standards for the coming year, as I have my review and planning meeting this Tuesday -- it's gone. Poof. Disappeared since last weekend. The job I've been studying for -- nose to the grindstone -- for weeks is GONE. Poof. Disappeared since last weekend.

THE HANDWRITING IS ON THE WALL AND IT'S BECOMING CLEARER BY THE DAY.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate either on the studying or on the performance of my duties with the axe waving somewhere overhead. I've called everyone I know to call. My boss keeps telling me that no one will want to let me go because... blah, blah, blah... but if NO ONE has the budget money to keep me, it doesn't matter how freaking amazing I am, I'm GONE. G - O - N - E. I finally broke down and started posting for internal positions -- but the rumor mill says that the BIG announcement is coming on Wednesday -- so there will be 66 of us, all vying for 4 positions country-wide. All I can say is that I hope like hell I finished in the top three in the country! I was number 6 at the end of November, before we made and exceeded our plan.

Someone put me out of my misery, PLEASE! I need details... I need to know what's coming... I simply cannot abide the unknown! I guess that makes me a control freak. So be it. I've been called worse!

Finally, an update...

Long overdue, I know... but things have been topsy-turvy these past weeks. Here is a picture of me and my dad at the Sugar Bowl:

Yes, that's me... at the heaviest weight I've ever been in my life... Still, the trip was priceless and I wouldn't trade my time with my daddy for anything in the world.

I took mom to D.C., as planned... that trip was less memorable. The musical was in its closing weekend and the SECOND understudy was playing the lead role. She sounded like Minnie Mouse on helium and I couldn't wait for her to shut up! The woman playing the role of the hair dresser on the other hand, was FABULOUS! My favorite part of the trip was the one hour massage at the Williamsburg Spa... THAT was heavenly.

Okay... so I know this is not why you all tuned in today... you want to know where things are with the marriage. Well, right after I got back from New Orleans, I had a meeting with my boss where he "strongly encouraged" me to get my next set of securities licenses: my Series 7 (General Securities Representative) and Series 24 (General Securities Principal). I already hold life, health, annuity, Limited Securities Representative, Limited Securities Principal, Uniform Securities Agent, and Municipal Fund Securities licenses... but in order to be promoted, I must hold a Series 24. Why now? I asked... I was told in the most cryptic of manners that "Changes are coming and I want you to be properly positioned."

The next thing I know, rumors are flying around that my position is being eliminated... not my JOB... my POSITION, which means that 65 other people in the country will also be jockeying for new offices. This sent me into a bit of a panic. So, I'm currently knee-deep in an 800 page Series 7 Study Guide, while still travelling 4 out of 5 nights a week. Rumor has it that this will be a "phase out" over the remainder of the year. As the top financial sales leader in my region in the number one territory in the country, I expect that I will have my pick of where I go... but go I must. There are just no jobs to be had where I currently reside.

So, I decided to stay the course for the short-term -- at least until I get my bonus pay-out in March... and perhaps until I get a company move package. Cop out? Maybe... but I'd rather bank the money he's currently paying in rent just in case I'm not able to find a landing place when the axe falls.

That's my world at the moment. I'll try to do a better job of updating you guys!

NOLA here I come!

I'm pleased as punch to announce that I have won the company Sugar Bowl trip to New Orleans! Being the top at my job in our region, I qualified for the trip, which ensues on New Year's Eve... yes, I will be in New Orleans, LA on New Year's Eve!!!! I'm so tickled I could just doodle-dance! I'm taking my dad with me and we are staying in a hautned hotel! It's all too fabulous and I can't wait to come back and blog all about it.

As soon as I'm home from that trip, I'm taking my mom to D.C. to the Kennedy Center to see one of the final productions by the Broadway cast of Legally Blonde. THEN, once I'm settled back into my lovely home, I'm dropping the bomb on "A". His job is out of jeopardy and he has proven over and over and over again during these past months that there is nothing that can salvage this pitiful excuse for a marriage. I have thought and thought about what to do with our baby and I have decided to dog-nap him and hide him away. Even though "A" is home more than I am, that little dog loves ME and clings to ME and would be lost without me. I will figure out a way to take him with me, send him to doggy-daycare, and fill in with my dad walking him every once in a while. I'll just have to get up really early some days and stay up really late some nights... whatever the cost, I cannot imagine being without him.

So... by January 15th, things will be up in the air again here at my house. Wish me luck! It ain't gonna be pretty.

It's Christmas Once More

Watching holiday classics...
Crying over silly mother-daughter films...
Being disappointed yet again by a man who does not understand me...
Mourning my baby, who would have been four this year...

It's Christmas once more and, although I am winning every promotion and qualifying for every trip it just feels empty... and even though it feels empty, I yearn for solitude -- without him -- just me and my baby boy... you know, the one with four paws and brown spots. Yet, being without one may cause me to be without the other and the mere thought of that reduces me to tears.

So, I work...
I hide from my feelings...
I try to pretend that the accolades and applause are enough...
Will any of it EVER be enough?

Peace... Sweet Peace...

I sit in the quiet of my hotel room on a crisp, cold November morning looking out over Candler's Mountain
Even though this town holds horrible memories for me -- memories of abuse, oppression and poverty -- today, it is a place of peace.
It is peaceful because there is nothing expected of me.
It is peaceful because I choose to sit quietly with my thoughts, instead of drowning them out with the constant drone of television, radio or computer.
It is peaceful because there is no one here to intrude on my solitude.
I am alone and it is a wonderful feeling.
Peace and quiet.
Ahhh.......

Connie Francis

I've been thinking that it's time to quit the band. I even composed a resignation letter - but never sent it. It's a good thing too! This week, I got a call from our drummer who plays for a tribute band. He asked me to do a Connie Francis tribute, singing "Lipstick on Your Collar", "Who's Sorry Now", and "Where the Boys Are". In researching her performance characteristics, I came across this video on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4fKJ318XHg

It kind of freaked me out... but it has me thinking that my ship may finally have come in. Is this the Universe's way of telling me that it hears me and it's answering my heart's desire?

Or am I a delusional fool?

Will it ever end?

The company has given employees the option of voluntarily separating from the company and they have until mid-November to do it. I am at the point of telling him to take the offer and get the hell out.

It's starting to tell on me -- my body is revolting -- my back's gone out, I'm having migraines and I'm gaining weight faster than the law should allow. If I don't get this over with soon, I'll look like a sumo wrestler. I now officially weigh more than I ever have in my entire life AND that means I also weigh more than my mother... yeah... try that one on for size and see how it makes you feel...

I'm just about to load up the car (again) and head out of town... then I get to sit in a class all day tomorrow -- whoop-dee-freakin-hoo. Too bad I can't come up with any reasons to stay gone all week.

Can you tell I'm just about the happiest camper EVER right now!

Just shoot me and get it over with, will ya?