It's Yesterday Once More

shoo-bee-dooo-lang-lay....

Yesterday came and went without any announcement. What we did hear through the grapevine was that our wholesaling department has been decimated. We also heard that every other person in my position on the entire East Coast is being told to do the same thing I've been told to do -- all with eyes toward the ONE position that is open in my region. Nice.

Since my last post, I've stopped functioning normally. Everything I hear seems to be tied in some freakish way to the fact that my job is being eliminated. "Did you hear that Tony was late to work this morning?" My brain thinks: "He must have been at a super-secret meeting talking about the lay-offs. I KNEW it!!!"

Even GOOD news freaks me out. I had my annual review and it went really, really well. I got a nice bonus, albeit less than I had projected and was told that I'm also getting a raise, but he didn't know how much... My brain thinks: "He's not telling me how much because there really isn't going to BE a raise -- he's just stringing me along." I have RIFitis. There, I've said it. So sue me!

I've decided that the cure for this disease is a nice slumber party at the home of my friend, colleague and partner in crime in Richmond. We have a plan to annihilate our brains with copious amounts of alcohol so that we can't REMEMBER that there are lay-offs coming.

Hey, it's a plan. I doubt if you could come up with a better one, so lay-off! See, there I go again!

I'm a Control Freak

I admit it. I cannot stand not being in control of my own future. I'm sitting here waiting for my company to decide whether or not I have a job and wondering when the hell some one's going to tell me when it's all going down! Rumors are flying around -- everything from "it's over" to "you'll have through the end of the year." I'm leaning more toward the former, not the latter. Too many things are lining up for me to think that the picture is rosy. I went out to our intranet to download my job requirements and measurement standards for the coming year, as I have my review and planning meeting this Tuesday -- it's gone. Poof. Disappeared since last weekend. The job I've been studying for -- nose to the grindstone -- for weeks is GONE. Poof. Disappeared since last weekend.

THE HANDWRITING IS ON THE WALL AND IT'S BECOMING CLEARER BY THE DAY.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate either on the studying or on the performance of my duties with the axe waving somewhere overhead. I've called everyone I know to call. My boss keeps telling me that no one will want to let me go because... blah, blah, blah... but if NO ONE has the budget money to keep me, it doesn't matter how freaking amazing I am, I'm GONE. G - O - N - E. I finally broke down and started posting for internal positions -- but the rumor mill says that the BIG announcement is coming on Wednesday -- so there will be 66 of us, all vying for 4 positions country-wide. All I can say is that I hope like hell I finished in the top three in the country! I was number 6 at the end of November, before we made and exceeded our plan.

Someone put me out of my misery, PLEASE! I need details... I need to know what's coming... I simply cannot abide the unknown! I guess that makes me a control freak. So be it. I've been called worse!

Finally, an update...

Long overdue, I know... but things have been topsy-turvy these past weeks. Here is a picture of me and my dad at the Sugar Bowl:

Yes, that's me... at the heaviest weight I've ever been in my life... Still, the trip was priceless and I wouldn't trade my time with my daddy for anything in the world.

I took mom to D.C., as planned... that trip was less memorable. The musical was in its closing weekend and the SECOND understudy was playing the lead role. She sounded like Minnie Mouse on helium and I couldn't wait for her to shut up! The woman playing the role of the hair dresser on the other hand, was FABULOUS! My favorite part of the trip was the one hour massage at the Williamsburg Spa... THAT was heavenly.

Okay... so I know this is not why you all tuned in today... you want to know where things are with the marriage. Well, right after I got back from New Orleans, I had a meeting with my boss where he "strongly encouraged" me to get my next set of securities licenses: my Series 7 (General Securities Representative) and Series 24 (General Securities Principal). I already hold life, health, annuity, Limited Securities Representative, Limited Securities Principal, Uniform Securities Agent, and Municipal Fund Securities licenses... but in order to be promoted, I must hold a Series 24. Why now? I asked... I was told in the most cryptic of manners that "Changes are coming and I want you to be properly positioned."

The next thing I know, rumors are flying around that my position is being eliminated... not my JOB... my POSITION, which means that 65 other people in the country will also be jockeying for new offices. This sent me into a bit of a panic. So, I'm currently knee-deep in an 800 page Series 7 Study Guide, while still travelling 4 out of 5 nights a week. Rumor has it that this will be a "phase out" over the remainder of the year. As the top financial sales leader in my region in the number one territory in the country, I expect that I will have my pick of where I go... but go I must. There are just no jobs to be had where I currently reside.

So, I decided to stay the course for the short-term -- at least until I get my bonus pay-out in March... and perhaps until I get a company move package. Cop out? Maybe... but I'd rather bank the money he's currently paying in rent just in case I'm not able to find a landing place when the axe falls.

That's my world at the moment. I'll try to do a better job of updating you guys!

NOLA here I come!

I'm pleased as punch to announce that I have won the company Sugar Bowl trip to New Orleans! Being the top at my job in our region, I qualified for the trip, which ensues on New Year's Eve... yes, I will be in New Orleans, LA on New Year's Eve!!!! I'm so tickled I could just doodle-dance! I'm taking my dad with me and we are staying in a hautned hotel! It's all too fabulous and I can't wait to come back and blog all about it.

As soon as I'm home from that trip, I'm taking my mom to D.C. to the Kennedy Center to see one of the final productions by the Broadway cast of Legally Blonde. THEN, once I'm settled back into my lovely home, I'm dropping the bomb on "A". His job is out of jeopardy and he has proven over and over and over again during these past months that there is nothing that can salvage this pitiful excuse for a marriage. I have thought and thought about what to do with our baby and I have decided to dog-nap him and hide him away. Even though "A" is home more than I am, that little dog loves ME and clings to ME and would be lost without me. I will figure out a way to take him with me, send him to doggy-daycare, and fill in with my dad walking him every once in a while. I'll just have to get up really early some days and stay up really late some nights... whatever the cost, I cannot imagine being without him.

So... by January 15th, things will be up in the air again here at my house. Wish me luck! It ain't gonna be pretty.

It's Christmas Once More

Watching holiday classics...
Crying over silly mother-daughter films...
Being disappointed yet again by a man who does not understand me...
Mourning my baby, who would have been four this year...

It's Christmas once more and, although I am winning every promotion and qualifying for every trip it just feels empty... and even though it feels empty, I yearn for solitude -- without him -- just me and my baby boy... you know, the one with four paws and brown spots. Yet, being without one may cause me to be without the other and the mere thought of that reduces me to tears.

So, I work...
I hide from my feelings...
I try to pretend that the accolades and applause are enough...
Will any of it EVER be enough?

Peace... Sweet Peace...

I sit in the quiet of my hotel room on a crisp, cold November morning looking out over Candler's Mountain
Even though this town holds horrible memories for me -- memories of abuse, oppression and poverty -- today, it is a place of peace.
It is peaceful because there is nothing expected of me.
It is peaceful because I choose to sit quietly with my thoughts, instead of drowning them out with the constant drone of television, radio or computer.
It is peaceful because there is no one here to intrude on my solitude.
I am alone and it is a wonderful feeling.
Peace and quiet.
Ahhh.......

Connie Francis

I've been thinking that it's time to quit the band. I even composed a resignation letter - but never sent it. It's a good thing too! This week, I got a call from our drummer who plays for a tribute band. He asked me to do a Connie Francis tribute, singing "Lipstick on Your Collar", "Who's Sorry Now", and "Where the Boys Are". In researching her performance characteristics, I came across this video on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4fKJ318XHg

It kind of freaked me out... but it has me thinking that my ship may finally have come in. Is this the Universe's way of telling me that it hears me and it's answering my heart's desire?

Or am I a delusional fool?

Will it ever end?

The company has given employees the option of voluntarily separating from the company and they have until mid-November to do it. I am at the point of telling him to take the offer and get the hell out.

It's starting to tell on me -- my body is revolting -- my back's gone out, I'm having migraines and I'm gaining weight faster than the law should allow. If I don't get this over with soon, I'll look like a sumo wrestler. I now officially weigh more than I ever have in my entire life AND that means I also weigh more than my mother... yeah... try that one on for size and see how it makes you feel...

I'm just about to load up the car (again) and head out of town... then I get to sit in a class all day tomorrow -- whoop-dee-freakin-hoo. Too bad I can't come up with any reasons to stay gone all week.

Can you tell I'm just about the happiest camper EVER right now!

Just shoot me and get it over with, will ya?

When Silence Isn't Golden

Usually in this house, I'm the one giving the silent treatment. Today, that is not the case. "A" is giving ME the silent treatment. The odd thing is, regardless of how much I want him gone or how much I want this to be over, I don't like the way this feels. It probably has to do with the fact that I'm an approval junkie.

A lot of things don't feel so great these days... like the way I feel when he tells me he loves me -- emphatically, followed by the "you DO know that, don't you?" question -- for which he actually expects an answer. I almost feel like I'm being bullied into accepting that I'm a schmuck for not wanting to be married to him.

Let me back up though... because when last I typed, I'm sure everyone thought this would all be over soon. The Monday after I posted, "A's" company announced impending lay-offs. They said they'd be announcing the list of unlucky souls on September 29th. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him to move out in the midst of this uncertainty -- I'm not THAT mean. So, we waited. Last week, another e-mail came from human resources telling them that the decision had been delayed by a week (to this coming Friday, October 3rd)... and so into limbo we went.

The reason for the silent treatment, you might ask? It's complicated, but I'll do my best to take you down the emotional super-highway I've traveled these past few days:

On Friday I found out that I have a disease that could cause my hands to become deformed and have a significant effect on my digital dexterity. Since I've played piano for 35 years, this was upsetting news. The surgeon I saw told me that it was treatable and not to worry... but you all know me well enough to know that I came home and started researching on my own and what I found wasn't quite as simple as he made it sound. Depending on the severity or the grade of this disease that I have, I could end up having multiple surgeries over my life time and, if it's severe, could lose the full use of some of my fingers. Other possible outcomes include nerve damage and, at worst, amputation. Disfigured, gnarled hands filled with zig-zagged scars... yeah - there's a rosy outlook for someone whose greatest solace is sitting down to play a Beethoven Sonata.

So, in the midst of all of this, I get accused of being snippy to him and reminded of how sensitive he is (see above reference to being bullied). First of all, the man SHOULD have learned by now that when I get bad news you need to leave me the hell alone for a few days until I come to terms with it. AND he should have learned that when I go in to my music room and put on the headphones it's like putting a "KEEP OUT" sign in the doorway. When I start playing Beethoven, then everyone should clear the house because that means that I'm in a deep, dark funk. Really -- after nine years he hasn't figured this shit out?

All right... so I apologized for being snippy, teared up and had to work really hard not to end up on the floor in a puddle. (Did I mention that I had PMS too?) We move on to dinner time. He decides to make his "famous" hamburgers -- filled with Turkish spices. I'm in charge of the fries (or the bakes, in our case). We sit down to dinner and I have like two bites of my burger (which was gross, by the way -- why ruin good ground beef with all of that crap?) when he sees a commercial about a dad building a jungle gym for his son... he says, "I wish I had a child to do things like that for." In my state of emotional fragility, I earnestly ask him not to go there right now... Did he listen? NO. The SOB has the audacity to ask me if I would consider a surrogate so that he can have his own biological child. I'm not certain how many neighbors heard my response. It wasn't a nice one... I told him to go find some Turkish whore and make his f'ing baby and then stormed off to my office. Am I proud of that? No. Did I warn him in advance? Yes.

I came within an nth of telling him to pack up his shit and get out last night, but I knew I would end up sounding like a screeching fish wife and that I might end up being committed to an asylum instead.

All I can say is that I pray for a calm week at work. I pity the fool who gets in my face THIS week.

Technical Malfunction

I had this plan... I was going to download a separation agreement, fill it out and hand it to "A" -- only thing is, the program kept crashing every time I clicked on the document I PAID FOR!!! How annoying!

I have prepared a 60 day notice to vacate and (hopefully when the IT guys call me back), will have a stipulation agreement we can both sign so we can finally move on with our lives.

I just want it over with.

Dreams of Flying

Last night I had the most magnificent dream. I dreampt that I went to see a faith healer or wise woman. She laid hands on me, rebuked me for my negative thoughts and the next thing I knew, I was flying around the room - experiencing sheer joy and blissful abandon. It was a wonderful dream.

I wonder if I wish for another tonight if the Universe would oblige?

It's too much...

I am in a personal crisis. I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the events that face me: selling the house (which includes a plethora of details - things that need to be fixed or cleaned or de-cluttered), buying a new one... oh yeah, and a divorce. Today, I can't stop the tears and I'm paralyzed by the sheer magnitude of the mountain in front of me.

The sad part is that I've spent so much time at work and with online communities that there's no one IRL that I can call.

What am I supposed to do now?

Boxers, to your corners...

Less than two hours after arriving home from a l - o - n - g week, we have gone to our separate corners: him to his office, me to mine. We made it through dinner, about 15 minutes of a violent, bloody movie (to which I put a stop) and about five minutes of the McNeil Lehrer hour before the fit hit the shan. He went on a tirade over some story about the middle class and I said, "I don't know why I even bother to come home" and walked away. He tried to coax me back, but the thought pouring through my mind tumbled from my lips: "No, I don't enjoy your company."

I guess that's that, huh?

Courage

This morning I'm reminded of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm stuck on the middle one this weekend. I know I need to have the talk, but instead, I'm burying myself in housework -- a legitimate endeavor -- but an act of avoidance in this instance. I'm not even sure what to say.

"It's been nice knowing you these past nine years, but I'm over it and I'm ready to move on."
"You know, I'm really a pretty sucky wife when you think about it -- you'd be better off without me!"
Or, I could sing "Big Girls Don't Cry" to him and see if he gets it.
But I guess the best thing would be straight-forward honesty: I'm really unhappy and I want a divorce.

I have so many fears surrounding the fall-out from this. You see, I'll be getting in my car tomorrow and heading out of town for the entire week -- again. I have no clue what I'd come home to or if my baby boy (or my house, car and money) would be here when I got back. Perhaps I should wait until I have more ducks in a row and for a time when I'll be here to manage the fall-out and protect my furry son from being whisked away and my assets from being ransacked and pillaged.

See, I've talked myself right out of having the talk. Instead, I'll continue to get the house ready to sell, continue to move and protect assets, and continue to plan my move.

Yeah, that's the ticket... stay tuned.

P.S. The House

Turns out my next door neighbor's good friend wants to buy the house and he's into renovating! Now I just have to get it clean enough to show. That'll take a small army!

Step 1.a.

A review of the finances, the cost of moving a 6'4" grand piano and the cost of a place that will do it justice have me revising the list a bit... I've now added to it, "Sell 1927 Steinway Heirloom Grand Piano" and I'm not happy about it.

Upside to selling the piano: paying off the note! LOL I wonder if that will allow me to afford the condo I REALLY want (which is about $150k more than my current budget). NOT!

I had a really nostaligic moment coming home on Friday: I was crossing the Chesapeake Bay and I teared up... this is always going to be home for me... even when it isn't any more.

Step One:

Make lists, make lots of lists, obsess about said lists, feel overwhelmed by lists, tear up lists and start over.

Step One: make ONE list of all of the lists you need to make... no... wait...
Step One: Determine the order of action required to sell the house... and put it on a list...

I am in list hell, but I'm making progress. So far, here's my list:

1. Decide whether to sell house as-is, or whether to make improvements.
2. If I decide to make improvements, do the following: Update kitchen, den and bathrooms, work on curb appeal (hell, that could take a YEAR!)
3. Rent a POD and clear out all of the extra "stuff" in the house, including "A" -- okay, so maybe I won't put HIM in the POD... but then again... (smile)
4. Put house on market
5. Put down money on FANTABULOUS condo overlooking the river and pray that the house sells before closing on the condo.
6. Wait
7. Oh yeah... and file for divorce. There's always that.

Shit!

or get off the pot. That's what my grandpa used to say... and now I must heed that advice. I've now been told by my best friend and my parents that they're tired of hearing about my marital situation and that it's time to do something about it. They're calling my bluff and I always rise to a challenge.

I'm putting the wheels in motion to get out of here... to sell the house and move to another area -- closer to my Territory office. I've already located several condos -- one of which is about 3 miles from said best friend's house! It could be worse, right?

So, there's a new adventure in the works... one that includes kitchen remodels and bathroom overhauls and putting a house on the market at one of the worst possible times... but it's forward progress and that's what matters, right?

Now, I'm off to the Department of Motor Vehicles, where I will likely be held hostage the remainder of the day. If you don't hear from me within 36 hours, send in the Cavalry!

Go, Leave...

I recently heard a song with the above title. While the lyrics don't exactly reflect my situation, the sentiment does. For a long while now, I've wanted "A" to leave... now I think it might be time for me to go.

This is the worst possible time to sell a house and split assets - but I feel as if I'm shriveling up inside. I'm tired of feeling better about myself everywhere but at home and now, the accusations are starting to fly. He thinks I'm cheating... HA... I don't have the time or the energy for that. Besides, if he knew me well, he would know it's not in my makeup... obviously, he doesn't know me well... in fact I would venture to say he doesn't know me at all.

Still, it hurts -- it stings -- when he lashes out this way (even when he "swears" he was kidding). Of course, in his mind, the entire failure of the marriage is that we don't have sex often enough... but he doesn't seem to understand that pointing that out just makes it less likely to happen. I almost feel like it's the only expectation he has in our marriage and everything he does or says is just a means to that end. I can't even begin to express how that affects me... me, the girl who was raped at 15... to feel that my entire worth to him is sexual. He doesn't get it...

I am so very tired tonight. My job is wearing me out and coming home has become a dreaded end to an exhausting week. Maybe I am cheating on him -- I'm cheating with my job -- stretching my stays just for the peace and quiet of a hotel room. God knows I don't even want to LOOK at another man.

Solitude... that is what I seek tonight.

The Dogsitter

How does one go about divorcing one's dogsitter? When one works 70 - 80 hour weeks and is actually home 5 days a month, one's dogsitter is a very important person. Without the dogsitter, the dog would be sad and lonely... getting walked twice a day and spending a few hours at the grandparents' house. That's no life for my son... the love of my life.

So, I stay married to the dogsitter -- for the kid's sake.