Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)
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Many days during this past year, I have felt like a community of one. Moving so far away to a place where you really only know one person has a way of doing that, you know. Thankfully, I became a part of a wonderful online community some 10 years ago, in the midst of my struggle with infertility and miscarriage. This community has held together and these wonderful, amazing women have stood by me - from all across the country - through thick and thin. Without them, the past twelve months would have been, at times, unbearable.
In addition to my online community and the wider world of Facebook - which allows me to keep up with friends from all stages of my life, I have discovered two new communities here in Hawaii. The first is what most would consider completely unlikely for me - a motorcycle club - and I'm not talking about your weekend Harley riders either. This group of veterans, while honoring their charter by being active in veterans affairs, earns their patches. It's kind of like having a slew of big brothers - not of the Orwellian variety, I might add. With this community, I know that whenever my man is travelling, help is just a phone call away. It's like family... with colors and cuts.
The second community I discovered this year is an association chartered to protect the interests of enlisted seamen - Navy, Marines and Coast Guard. My fiance' is a retired Marine and currently serves as President of the Honolulu Branch of the organization. Here I have found lots and lots of surrogate grandparents, as we are likely the youngest participants on the rolls. I will take on a more formal role once we are married and I join the ranks of the Auxiliary Unit.
In 2011, I would like to find a music community. I'm sorely missing my band, my choir and my fellow musicians back home. My soul needs that outlet.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Day Six: Make
December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)
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I make many things. I make the bed, make coffee, make up my mind, make sense of life, make love, make dinner (not necessarily in that order). Recently though, I made a souffle -- and while that may not sound reverb10 worthy, I think that it is. The event was a Thanksgiving potluck at my fiance's office. We signed up to bring sweet potatoes. Now, in my four-and-a-half decades on this earth, I have cooked sweet potatoes in many different ways - candied, smothered in marshmallows, savory - with onions, black pepper and ginger, whipped, chopped and sliced. This year, however, I decided that my sweet potatoes needed to reflect the culture of my new home - Hawaii. In many ways, I have fought becoming a part of the culture here - with all of the asian fusion foods and Polynesian influence - so I decided to try to incorporate a little bit of Hawaii into my sweet potato dish.
As most of my research begins, I typed in www.google.com to see what concoctions the Mighty Internet might provide. I found dozens of different sweet potato casserole recipes - many which would have sent me into anaphylactic shock with their use of pecans and walnuts - but eventually my eye landed on this: Sweet Potato Pineapple Souffle. PERFECT, I thought! Doubling the recipe to allow for the masses of Army, Marine and civilian diners, I set out to buy five pounds of sweet potatoes, two pounds of butter, a pound of crushed pineapple, half a dozen eggs, brown sugar, cane sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla. Two hours later, a gorgeous souffle was pulled from the oven. After the drive across town to the base, it joined the dessert table and within minutes, ooohs and aaaahs were emanating from the room. The dish was a huge hit and, despite the odd sounding combination, it was DELISH if I don't mind saying so myself.
In addition to proving that the new gal in the group can cook, the making of the souffle served a deeper purpose for me: it taught me that holiday traditions are what we make them and they can be modified to suit our current situation without the earth tipping off its axis. It also taught me that unlikely pairings often make for delightful surprises!
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I make many things. I make the bed, make coffee, make up my mind, make sense of life, make love, make dinner (not necessarily in that order). Recently though, I made a souffle -- and while that may not sound reverb10 worthy, I think that it is. The event was a Thanksgiving potluck at my fiance's office. We signed up to bring sweet potatoes. Now, in my four-and-a-half decades on this earth, I have cooked sweet potatoes in many different ways - candied, smothered in marshmallows, savory - with onions, black pepper and ginger, whipped, chopped and sliced. This year, however, I decided that my sweet potatoes needed to reflect the culture of my new home - Hawaii. In many ways, I have fought becoming a part of the culture here - with all of the asian fusion foods and Polynesian influence - so I decided to try to incorporate a little bit of Hawaii into my sweet potato dish.
As most of my research begins, I typed in www.google.com to see what concoctions the Mighty Internet might provide. I found dozens of different sweet potato casserole recipes - many which would have sent me into anaphylactic shock with their use of pecans and walnuts - but eventually my eye landed on this: Sweet Potato Pineapple Souffle. PERFECT, I thought! Doubling the recipe to allow for the masses of Army, Marine and civilian diners, I set out to buy five pounds of sweet potatoes, two pounds of butter, a pound of crushed pineapple, half a dozen eggs, brown sugar, cane sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla. Two hours later, a gorgeous souffle was pulled from the oven. After the drive across town to the base, it joined the dessert table and within minutes, ooohs and aaaahs were emanating from the room. The dish was a huge hit and, despite the odd sounding combination, it was DELISH if I don't mind saying so myself.
In addition to proving that the new gal in the group can cook, the making of the souffle served a deeper purpose for me: it taught me that holiday traditions are what we make them and they can be modified to suit our current situation without the earth tipping off its axis. It also taught me that unlikely pairings often make for delightful surprises!
Monday, December 06, 2010
Day Five: Let Go
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
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Having been relatively self-sufficient and fiercely independent since my late teens, this year found me in a place that prevented me from being so. In an absolutely horrendous job market, I found it difficult to obtain meaningful employment here in Hawaii. After two mis-steps into jobs made out of sheer panic at being unemployed and out of money, my fiance' finally asked me a simple question, "Why won't you let me take care of you?" This stopped me in my tracks. Why wouldn't I? Thus began the interior dialog that soon plummeted straight into the bowels of catastrophic thinking... the what if's of impending doom and failure... the fear of being thousands of miles away from home, vulnerable and completely at the mercy of another human being. For weeks, I agonized over this question and my inability to simply let him take care of me and, while I cannot pinpoint the moment that the actual 'letting go' occurred, I can tell you that what I let go of was fear and what I embraced instead was trust... a trust I have never allowed to exist... a trust that has transformed my life.
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Having been relatively self-sufficient and fiercely independent since my late teens, this year found me in a place that prevented me from being so. In an absolutely horrendous job market, I found it difficult to obtain meaningful employment here in Hawaii. After two mis-steps into jobs made out of sheer panic at being unemployed and out of money, my fiance' finally asked me a simple question, "Why won't you let me take care of you?" This stopped me in my tracks. Why wouldn't I? Thus began the interior dialog that soon plummeted straight into the bowels of catastrophic thinking... the what if's of impending doom and failure... the fear of being thousands of miles away from home, vulnerable and completely at the mercy of another human being. For weeks, I agonized over this question and my inability to simply let him take care of me and, while I cannot pinpoint the moment that the actual 'letting go' occurred, I can tell you that what I let go of was fear and what I embraced instead was trust... a trust I have never allowed to exist... a trust that has transformed my life.
Day Four: Wonder
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
(Author: Jeffrey Davis)
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I must admit that this prompt has given me some trouble... although many looking at my life from the outside would think it would be the easiest by far -- what with my move to a tropical paradise to be with the love of my life. I'm not certain that I have done anything to cultivate a sense of wonder this year. Although I have had moments that were gloriously wonderful, they have just seemed to appear - as if by magic - in those times when 'tropical paradise' has seemed anything but. Perhaps this will become part of my journey for 2011.
#reverb10 Prompt 4
(Author: Jeffrey Davis)
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I must admit that this prompt has given me some trouble... although many looking at my life from the outside would think it would be the easiest by far -- what with my move to a tropical paradise to be with the love of my life. I'm not certain that I have done anything to cultivate a sense of wonder this year. Although I have had moments that were gloriously wonderful, they have just seemed to appear - as if by magic - in those times when 'tropical paradise' has seemed anything but. Perhaps this will become part of my journey for 2011.
#reverb10 Prompt 4
Day Three: Moment
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)
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It was a cool, but sunny morning here on Oahu and I awoke with butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the day's events. I dressed in jeans, boots, and a long-sleeved tee and then pulled on the helmet. Sure and steady hands fastened the chin strap and steely blue eyes gazed into mine with such adoration that my breath caught in my throat.
Instructions followed: "lean with the bike and, whatever you do... trust me." The bike was black with purple flames and glimmering chrome - I threw my leg across the seat and placed my hands on his thighs, feeling the softness of the worn denim and the warmth of him.
We pushed off and glided down the incline, out of the parking lot, and down the mauka... at the bottom of the gulch, with the Pacific ocean to our right, the engine engaged and the deep rumble shattered the quiet of the morning. The vibration went through my whole body... thrilling... and then we were off... the wind in our faces, the sun warming us...
Over and over I coached myself in my mind... 'trust him... trust him'. As we rode on, past lush green mountains and sparkling turquoise seas, I settled into him and found this amazing sense of connectedness... With the gorgeous island as our backdrop, we became one in a way I never imagined.
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It was a cool, but sunny morning here on Oahu and I awoke with butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the day's events. I dressed in jeans, boots, and a long-sleeved tee and then pulled on the helmet. Sure and steady hands fastened the chin strap and steely blue eyes gazed into mine with such adoration that my breath caught in my throat.
Instructions followed: "lean with the bike and, whatever you do... trust me." The bike was black with purple flames and glimmering chrome - I threw my leg across the seat and placed my hands on his thighs, feeling the softness of the worn denim and the warmth of him.
We pushed off and glided down the incline, out of the parking lot, and down the mauka... at the bottom of the gulch, with the Pacific ocean to our right, the engine engaged and the deep rumble shattered the quiet of the morning. The vibration went through my whole body... thrilling... and then we were off... the wind in our faces, the sun warming us...
Over and over I coached myself in my mind... 'trust him... trust him'. As we rode on, past lush green mountains and sparkling turquoise seas, I settled into him and found this amazing sense of connectedness... With the gorgeous island as our backdrop, we became one in a way I never imagined.
Friday, December 03, 2010
Day Two : Writing
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)
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The easy answer to this is FACEBOOK. But, if I delve deeper into what trolling Facebook means and why it keeps me from writing something meaningful, then it gets a bit more complex. You see, Facebook is superficial. It doesn't require one to be real - it just requires one to be (occasionally) witty or obtuse or droll or sarcastic... or simply to remain silent while observing others being witty, obtuse, droll or sarcastic. While it carries with it a hint of validation in the number of "likes" one gets, there's something all-together different about really sharing a piece of yourself through thoughtful, purposeful writing... and lack of validation for the TRUE sharing is sometimes difficult to take.
Part two of the question asks if I can eliminate it... The easy answer is 'yes, I can'. The harder question is, 'do I want to?'
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The easy answer to this is FACEBOOK. But, if I delve deeper into what trolling Facebook means and why it keeps me from writing something meaningful, then it gets a bit more complex. You see, Facebook is superficial. It doesn't require one to be real - it just requires one to be (occasionally) witty or obtuse or droll or sarcastic... or simply to remain silent while observing others being witty, obtuse, droll or sarcastic. While it carries with it a hint of validation in the number of "likes" one gets, there's something all-together different about really sharing a piece of yourself through thoughtful, purposeful writing... and lack of validation for the TRUE sharing is sometimes difficult to take.
Part two of the question asks if I can eliminate it... The easy answer is 'yes, I can'. The harder question is, 'do I want to?'
Day One: One Word #Reverb10
I have decided to participate in a blogging project. The object of the project is to reflect on 2010 and manifest what's next for 2011. I'm a few days behind... so will endeavor to catch up in the quiet of this balmy December day in Hawaii.
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December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
2010 was a year of CHALLENGE for me. As much as 2009 taught me about not being defined by what I do or what I own, 2010 challenged me to reevaluate who I am in this world. The year began with the challenge of belonging. You see, I sold everything I owned, left family, career and home and moved 4600 miles away to a small rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean... all for love. The challenge was to figure out how and where I belonged in this new life - a life with a man whose household had long ago been established in bachelordom, with a defacto step-son who was 18 and making it crystal clear that he did not need me in his life, in a culture that is not welcoming of 'round-eyes', and an economy with few opportunities to earn the kind of income I had come to expect. Yes, 2010 has definitely been a challenge... and the challenge has not really changed so, in creating my future I choose BELONGING for 2011.
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December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
2010 was a year of CHALLENGE for me. As much as 2009 taught me about not being defined by what I do or what I own, 2010 challenged me to reevaluate who I am in this world. The year began with the challenge of belonging. You see, I sold everything I owned, left family, career and home and moved 4600 miles away to a small rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean... all for love. The challenge was to figure out how and where I belonged in this new life - a life with a man whose household had long ago been established in bachelordom, with a defacto step-son who was 18 and making it crystal clear that he did not need me in his life, in a culture that is not welcoming of 'round-eyes', and an economy with few opportunities to earn the kind of income I had come to expect. Yes, 2010 has definitely been a challenge... and the challenge has not really changed so, in creating my future I choose BELONGING for 2011.
Friday, September 03, 2010
I'm Having a Night...
one of THOSE nights... sleepless and punctuated by "the ugly cry". After a none-too-successful day, the old ego is feeling bruised and, try as I might, fitting in on this lovely little rock in the Pacific is proving more difficult than I had ever imagined. Everything that made me successful as a sales person on the mainland is missing here. I'm just a haole girl trying to find her way in an asian society with no particular claim to fame and no natural market. Getting out of sales would seem the natural choice, but I'm not uniquely qualified to do much else -- not here anyway -- not without being bi-lingual or local. I feel like an abysmal failure and I just don't know what to do about it. So, here I sit on the sofa at 11 pm on a Friday night, crying my eyes out, while my man slumbers in the next room... writing a blog entry for the first time in months, and missing home... missing being the best at what I do and everything that brought with it: money, recognition, a profound sense of accomplishment. Tonight I feel like a fish out of water... and it's left me gasping for air.
That being said, tomorrow is another day and I'm sure my perspective will be less tragic... however swollen my eyes may be.
That being said, tomorrow is another day and I'm sure my perspective will be less tragic... however swollen my eyes may be.
Monday, June 14, 2010
The Moment
In that moment after we've made love, lieing in the afterglow, safe and content in each other's arms I am overwhelmed by a feeling I cannot fully explain... a desire at the very core of my being... a longing for some tangible result of this beautiful connection we share... a seed that would take root and grow... a piece of each of us brought together in perfect union and growing inside of me. Would that we had found this perfection years ago and that our lives had been blessed with children born of our love. Still, the contentment is sweet and the love so profound... and the moment passes... and life goes on, leaving me floating on its wistful wake.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
That Little Voice Inside My Head...
Has someone ever said something to you and you can't turn off the recording of it playing over and over in your head? Yeah, that's where I am right now. I want to think they were kidding. I have to believe they were. But, if they weren't, all my illusions are shattered.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Step-Monster is a Two-Way Street
I'm sure that there are times when my defacto step-son does not like me and wishes I'd never come into his world. Yet, every once in a while, we have 'moments' where it seems that he actually likes and respects me. I thought we had made great strides -- until tonight when I got 100% teenage attitude and sass. Granted, I've only been a part of his life for five months, but in that time, I have gone out of my way to help him with school -- science project, senior project, English project... all out of my pocket and out of the goodness of my heart... and out of a genuine desire to see him do well.
When I was a teenager, I never understood my dad's 'melodrama' (my perception) of saying, "after everything I've done for you, this is the thanks I get..." Now I do. While I cannot imagine the hurt of having your own flesh and blood dismiss you and treat you with total disrespect, I can say that it didn't feel too great coming from my step-monster either. I wonder how the next 6 months will play out as he continues to flex his 'indepedence' muscles... and I wonder what the effect will be on my relationship with his dad.
When I was a teenager, I never understood my dad's 'melodrama' (my perception) of saying, "after everything I've done for you, this is the thanks I get..." Now I do. While I cannot imagine the hurt of having your own flesh and blood dismiss you and treat you with total disrespect, I can say that it didn't feel too great coming from my step-monster either. I wonder how the next 6 months will play out as he continues to flex his 'indepedence' muscles... and I wonder what the effect will be on my relationship with his dad.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Mother's Day
Here we are again - another Mother's Day. This is a day that typically sends me into a tailspin since, well, I'm NOT a mother. It is usually filled with wistful moments of 'what if' and 'my babies would have been 'x' years old this year'. The annversaries aren't as hard as they used to be -- in fact, one just passed completely unnoticed -- and I have to stop and really think now how old my 'eldest' would be (seven, by the way). This year seems easier than most. I am content with my life and happy with where I am - both physically and emotionally. No, this year, there doesn't seem to be quite as much 'sting' in the "Happy Mother's Day" greetings flying around and that's a good thing.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
Conflicted
It's hard to believe that I have not visited these pages since before the big move. I have been on Oahu for just over four months now and the transition has been many things -- amazing, heart-breaking, wonderful, trying. Tears have been shed, first fight survived.
I am still working to determine and define my place in this new world: defacto step-mom, 'girlfriend', former successful something or other, musician wannabe. While my horoscope seems to presage great career success, I have not found its source and, at the moment, am about 60 days away from being flat broke.
I find myself in the position of having to decide whether to dive headlong into the pool of independent business owner - a daunting and expensive proposition which would have to be financed on credit - with the 'promise' of a salaried position in six months' time or to walk away from this 'opportunity' in search of something else entirely. The prospect of settling for a position that pays about one-third of what I made last year fills me with such a sense of failure and disappointment that I can scarcely contain the tears that seem to spring, unbidden, to my eyes. Still, I cannot imagine turning over my debt and the responsibility for my upkeep to another person. J has been most gracious, sweet and adorable in his offers to take care of me... why is it that I cannot accept? Why is it that I am beginning to dread each day as it stretches out before me without meaning or purpose and why am I unable to muster even the gratitude and joy for the gift of love I've been given.
I have just undertaken the journey of 'life is a verb' by Patti Digh... 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally... perhaps it will help me gain the clarity I so desperately seek.
I am still working to determine and define my place in this new world: defacto step-mom, 'girlfriend', former successful something or other, musician wannabe. While my horoscope seems to presage great career success, I have not found its source and, at the moment, am about 60 days away from being flat broke.
I find myself in the position of having to decide whether to dive headlong into the pool of independent business owner - a daunting and expensive proposition which would have to be financed on credit - with the 'promise' of a salaried position in six months' time or to walk away from this 'opportunity' in search of something else entirely. The prospect of settling for a position that pays about one-third of what I made last year fills me with such a sense of failure and disappointment that I can scarcely contain the tears that seem to spring, unbidden, to my eyes. Still, I cannot imagine turning over my debt and the responsibility for my upkeep to another person. J has been most gracious, sweet and adorable in his offers to take care of me... why is it that I cannot accept? Why is it that I am beginning to dread each day as it stretches out before me without meaning or purpose and why am I unable to muster even the gratitude and joy for the gift of love I've been given.
I have just undertaken the journey of 'life is a verb' by Patti Digh... 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally... perhaps it will help me gain the clarity I so desperately seek.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
De Tante
Tensions have been alleviated between the island girl and the mainland girl.
No harm, no foul.
No harm, no foul.
Friday, December 11, 2009
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
The 'we' to which I refer is really ME. Tonight, moreso than most nights in recent memory, I am sore vexed (to continue with the Shakespearean theme). I am caught betwixt jealousy and a loathing of that emotion... between love and hatred... between pride and shame.
I have always thought of jealousy as the refuge of small minds - yet, tonight I find myself so eaten alive by that emotion that I cannot contain it. And while the object of my affection remains so, his cohort has become the object of my disdain... not because of any great transgression - but merely because she is with him and I am not. This fact brings tears to my eyes -- both at the injustice of being so far away and helpless to change my circumstance and at the shame of allowing myself this indulgence.
Still, I have to wonder, was there no consideration for how one's lover might feel? Or have years of being alone dulled that sense?
I'm certain that with tomorrow's sunrise I will feel quite the fool for having entertained these thoughts... but somehow the writing of them has provided a modicum of relief.
I bid you good morrow.
I have always thought of jealousy as the refuge of small minds - yet, tonight I find myself so eaten alive by that emotion that I cannot contain it. And while the object of my affection remains so, his cohort has become the object of my disdain... not because of any great transgression - but merely because she is with him and I am not. This fact brings tears to my eyes -- both at the injustice of being so far away and helpless to change my circumstance and at the shame of allowing myself this indulgence.
Still, I have to wonder, was there no consideration for how one's lover might feel? Or have years of being alone dulled that sense?
I'm certain that with tomorrow's sunrise I will feel quite the fool for having entertained these thoughts... but somehow the writing of them has provided a modicum of relief.
I bid you good morrow.
Stolen Moments
... snippets of conversations... interrupted by the unyielding demands of daily life... a few 'I love yous'... and then hours pass as I wait for the next call.
For now, all we have are stolen moments and I am growing weary from needing you so much.
For now, all we have are stolen moments and I am growing weary from needing you so much.
Monday, December 07, 2009
What was and is and is to come...
No, I'm not talking about the Messiah... although the season is perfect for such a discussion... I'm talking about my life. It's been an interesting - sometimes trying - period in my life these past several months. Since reuniting with JJ, I have found myself in the position of completely rethinking my life. Until July 28th, I had a well-ordered - albeit solitary - plan. My work was my primary focus... a long and distinguished career with a well-known company, a legacy as a philanthropist and a little local fame as a singer. Today, I find that entire plan has gone by the wayside. The career that I thought I would have has evaporated due to corporate reorganization and I have quite literally divested myself of nearly all of my worldly possessions. At times like these, one is left to consider who they are in the world and what their legacy will be. It seems that I now have the opportunity to completely reinvent my future.
One of my biggest 'learnings' in this process has been that things do not define me. It was a difficult lesson, because I come from a family -- or at least a mother -- who believes that, in some way, we are what we have. I have always believed that we are a sum of our experiences, and therefore, what we have serves as a reminder of those experiences... and therein lies the struggle for me of separating the things from the memories and thus from myself and my idea of who I am. Over the course of the past several months, I have, indeed, separated myself from my things - reevaluated the importance and relevance of each thing and then carefully selected those things that I want to take with me into my new life and let go, mourned, or purged everything else. It's been cathartic... cleansing... brutal... healing... so many things all wrapped up into an emotional maelstrom that has ultimately served to smooth the rough edges, define the path forward and strengthen me beyond anything I imagined.
In the midst of all of this 'learning' and growing and evolving has been one constant... JJ... the man I love and for whom all of these things have been undertaken. Never in my life have such deep, constant emotions guided my every step. So often in my past I have taken the easy way out -- when things were too hard, I simply walked away or made excuses as to why it wasn't 'do-able'. Even though this has been one of the most difficult phases of my life - save the infidelity and subsequent back surgery and neurological dysfunction of the early 90's - I have not... not even ONCE... not even for a MOMENT... questioned that this is the right thing to do or that JJ is the one with whom I'm meant to spend the rest of my life.
The only thing that the relationship has contributed to the level of difficulty is the pain of separation and the overwhelming desire to be together. Yet, even this leaves me with a knowing that the instant the waiting is over... the instant I am in his arms... my world will be as it was always meant to be and I will know joy and love like none I have ever imagined.
I wish that there were adequate words to describe what I feel for Julian. Love... adoration... however deep and abiding just seem so small in comparison to the enormity of what we share. In the past, I have wanted desperately to believe that people who came into my life were MEANT for me, yet I can tell you now that they were not -- they were not even close. I know this because of the inexpressible sense of belonging that overwhelms me each time I hear JJ's voice... each time he touches me... each time I gaze into his eyes and see my own soul reflected there.
In just three weeks, I will embark on the next chapter of my life with the man I love. Whatever life brings our way, we will have each other and that, I have learned, is what life is all about.
One of my biggest 'learnings' in this process has been that things do not define me. It was a difficult lesson, because I come from a family -- or at least a mother -- who believes that, in some way, we are what we have. I have always believed that we are a sum of our experiences, and therefore, what we have serves as a reminder of those experiences... and therein lies the struggle for me of separating the things from the memories and thus from myself and my idea of who I am. Over the course of the past several months, I have, indeed, separated myself from my things - reevaluated the importance and relevance of each thing and then carefully selected those things that I want to take with me into my new life and let go, mourned, or purged everything else. It's been cathartic... cleansing... brutal... healing... so many things all wrapped up into an emotional maelstrom that has ultimately served to smooth the rough edges, define the path forward and strengthen me beyond anything I imagined.
In the midst of all of this 'learning' and growing and evolving has been one constant... JJ... the man I love and for whom all of these things have been undertaken. Never in my life have such deep, constant emotions guided my every step. So often in my past I have taken the easy way out -- when things were too hard, I simply walked away or made excuses as to why it wasn't 'do-able'. Even though this has been one of the most difficult phases of my life - save the infidelity and subsequent back surgery and neurological dysfunction of the early 90's - I have not... not even ONCE... not even for a MOMENT... questioned that this is the right thing to do or that JJ is the one with whom I'm meant to spend the rest of my life.
The only thing that the relationship has contributed to the level of difficulty is the pain of separation and the overwhelming desire to be together. Yet, even this leaves me with a knowing that the instant the waiting is over... the instant I am in his arms... my world will be as it was always meant to be and I will know joy and love like none I have ever imagined.
I wish that there were adequate words to describe what I feel for Julian. Love... adoration... however deep and abiding just seem so small in comparison to the enormity of what we share. In the past, I have wanted desperately to believe that people who came into my life were MEANT for me, yet I can tell you now that they were not -- they were not even close. I know this because of the inexpressible sense of belonging that overwhelms me each time I hear JJ's voice... each time he touches me... each time I gaze into his eyes and see my own soul reflected there.
In just three weeks, I will embark on the next chapter of my life with the man I love. Whatever life brings our way, we will have each other and that, I have learned, is what life is all about.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Nostalgia
The past several weeks, I have been sorting through all of the photos and memorabilia from my life and trying to organize it all into photo albums and scrapbooks. Today, I got to the scrapbook part... as I sat knee deep in old report cards and growth charts the thought came to me, "who cares?" Literally? Who cares? Other than me and, perhaps my boyfriend (for the first perusal), who will EVER care about the things that happened in my life? I think about my mom's albums and scrapbooks and trip logs and I know that my brother and I - and perhaps my nieces - will page through them wistfully when she is gone. It's at times like these that the footprint of your life comes into focus. Without anyone to carry on after you -- without children -- your life (at least the silly scrapbook moments) don't really mean a thing. These photographs and snipets of my years on this planet will be one more thing to be disposed of... one more item on the list of "what do we do with THESE?" Cheering letters, pageant crowns, roses pressed in wax paper... love notes, playbills and theatrical reviews... Maybe I should plan for a Viking Funeral... load all of this up with me on a pyre, set it all aflame and send me out to sea... That's easier to think about than the alternative: my final contribution to America's landfills.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Company cars and carotid arteries...
On Friday I was informed that I must return my company car. Yesterday I was informed that my mother has the carotid arteries of an 80 year old at age 68. How does this complicate my life? Let me count the ways.
First, I had a really nice, neat plan for moving to Hawaii at the end of December to be with the love of my life. The return of the company car presents a major problem, since I sold my personal vehicle back in June. What do I drive until I leave for Hawaii? Beyond the driving part - what does this move say about my position with the company? Rumor has it that the management program will be completely restructured AND the number of managers reduced by 33%, virtually eliminating any promotion opportunities I might have had.
But back to the driving part... do you have any idea how expensive it is to rent a car for a month? Even an economy car at discounted corporate rates would run me over $600 per month - times three months and there goes my budget! I could buy a beater for about the same price -- just something to get me around town -- but then I'd have to sell it before I leave and who has time for THAT in the midst of liquidating an entire household? Yet another alternative is to buy a new car and then ship it to Hawaii, but my research indicates that doesn't make good fiscal sense. While the destination charges and excise taxes in Hawaii are significant, they don't offset the cost of shipping the vehicle and, in fact, I could buy a Toyota cheaper there than here on the mainland.
This is a complication that I just wasn't prepared for. Part of me wants to tell the company to stick it where the sun don't shine, resign and move to Hawaii tomorrow and I actually gave that some consideration. There are three mitigating factors to that decision:
First, I had a really nice, neat plan for moving to Hawaii at the end of December to be with the love of my life. The return of the company car presents a major problem, since I sold my personal vehicle back in June. What do I drive until I leave for Hawaii? Beyond the driving part - what does this move say about my position with the company? Rumor has it that the management program will be completely restructured AND the number of managers reduced by 33%, virtually eliminating any promotion opportunities I might have had.
But back to the driving part... do you have any idea how expensive it is to rent a car for a month? Even an economy car at discounted corporate rates would run me over $600 per month - times three months and there goes my budget! I could buy a beater for about the same price -- just something to get me around town -- but then I'd have to sell it before I leave and who has time for THAT in the midst of liquidating an entire household? Yet another alternative is to buy a new car and then ship it to Hawaii, but my research indicates that doesn't make good fiscal sense. While the destination charges and excise taxes in Hawaii are significant, they don't offset the cost of shipping the vehicle and, in fact, I could buy a Toyota cheaper there than here on the mainland.
This is a complication that I just wasn't prepared for. Part of me wants to tell the company to stick it where the sun don't shine, resign and move to Hawaii tomorrow and I actually gave that some consideration. There are three mitigating factors to that decision:
- It's probably not too healthy for my career to up and walk away with my numbers being as bad as they are
- When one adds in the new wrinkle of my mom's health, it has me thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas and getting all fatalistic.
- It still leaves Caleb smack-dab in the middle of the 120 day quarantine, which would mean having someone else care for him for 90 days -- including his 14 day health screening at the vet, getting his tranquilizers and putting him on a plane January 1st. That's a lot to ask of anyone... including family.
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