Tensions have been alleviated between the island girl and the mainland girl.
No harm, no foul.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
The 'we' to which I refer is really ME. Tonight, moreso than most nights in recent memory, I am sore vexed (to continue with the Shakespearean theme). I am caught betwixt jealousy and a loathing of that emotion... between love and hatred... between pride and shame.
I have always thought of jealousy as the refuge of small minds - yet, tonight I find myself so eaten alive by that emotion that I cannot contain it. And while the object of my affection remains so, his cohort has become the object of my disdain... not because of any great transgression - but merely because she is with him and I am not. This fact brings tears to my eyes -- both at the injustice of being so far away and helpless to change my circumstance and at the shame of allowing myself this indulgence.
Still, I have to wonder, was there no consideration for how one's lover might feel? Or have years of being alone dulled that sense?
I'm certain that with tomorrow's sunrise I will feel quite the fool for having entertained these thoughts... but somehow the writing of them has provided a modicum of relief.
I bid you good morrow.
I have always thought of jealousy as the refuge of small minds - yet, tonight I find myself so eaten alive by that emotion that I cannot contain it. And while the object of my affection remains so, his cohort has become the object of my disdain... not because of any great transgression - but merely because she is with him and I am not. This fact brings tears to my eyes -- both at the injustice of being so far away and helpless to change my circumstance and at the shame of allowing myself this indulgence.
Still, I have to wonder, was there no consideration for how one's lover might feel? Or have years of being alone dulled that sense?
I'm certain that with tomorrow's sunrise I will feel quite the fool for having entertained these thoughts... but somehow the writing of them has provided a modicum of relief.
I bid you good morrow.
Stolen Moments
... snippets of conversations... interrupted by the unyielding demands of daily life... a few 'I love yous'... and then hours pass as I wait for the next call.
For now, all we have are stolen moments and I am growing weary from needing you so much.
For now, all we have are stolen moments and I am growing weary from needing you so much.
Monday, December 07, 2009
What was and is and is to come...
No, I'm not talking about the Messiah... although the season is perfect for such a discussion... I'm talking about my life. It's been an interesting - sometimes trying - period in my life these past several months. Since reuniting with JJ, I have found myself in the position of completely rethinking my life. Until July 28th, I had a well-ordered - albeit solitary - plan. My work was my primary focus... a long and distinguished career with a well-known company, a legacy as a philanthropist and a little local fame as a singer. Today, I find that entire plan has gone by the wayside. The career that I thought I would have has evaporated due to corporate reorganization and I have quite literally divested myself of nearly all of my worldly possessions. At times like these, one is left to consider who they are in the world and what their legacy will be. It seems that I now have the opportunity to completely reinvent my future.
One of my biggest 'learnings' in this process has been that things do not define me. It was a difficult lesson, because I come from a family -- or at least a mother -- who believes that, in some way, we are what we have. I have always believed that we are a sum of our experiences, and therefore, what we have serves as a reminder of those experiences... and therein lies the struggle for me of separating the things from the memories and thus from myself and my idea of who I am. Over the course of the past several months, I have, indeed, separated myself from my things - reevaluated the importance and relevance of each thing and then carefully selected those things that I want to take with me into my new life and let go, mourned, or purged everything else. It's been cathartic... cleansing... brutal... healing... so many things all wrapped up into an emotional maelstrom that has ultimately served to smooth the rough edges, define the path forward and strengthen me beyond anything I imagined.
In the midst of all of this 'learning' and growing and evolving has been one constant... JJ... the man I love and for whom all of these things have been undertaken. Never in my life have such deep, constant emotions guided my every step. So often in my past I have taken the easy way out -- when things were too hard, I simply walked away or made excuses as to why it wasn't 'do-able'. Even though this has been one of the most difficult phases of my life - save the infidelity and subsequent back surgery and neurological dysfunction of the early 90's - I have not... not even ONCE... not even for a MOMENT... questioned that this is the right thing to do or that JJ is the one with whom I'm meant to spend the rest of my life.
The only thing that the relationship has contributed to the level of difficulty is the pain of separation and the overwhelming desire to be together. Yet, even this leaves me with a knowing that the instant the waiting is over... the instant I am in his arms... my world will be as it was always meant to be and I will know joy and love like none I have ever imagined.
I wish that there were adequate words to describe what I feel for Julian. Love... adoration... however deep and abiding just seem so small in comparison to the enormity of what we share. In the past, I have wanted desperately to believe that people who came into my life were MEANT for me, yet I can tell you now that they were not -- they were not even close. I know this because of the inexpressible sense of belonging that overwhelms me each time I hear JJ's voice... each time he touches me... each time I gaze into his eyes and see my own soul reflected there.
In just three weeks, I will embark on the next chapter of my life with the man I love. Whatever life brings our way, we will have each other and that, I have learned, is what life is all about.
One of my biggest 'learnings' in this process has been that things do not define me. It was a difficult lesson, because I come from a family -- or at least a mother -- who believes that, in some way, we are what we have. I have always believed that we are a sum of our experiences, and therefore, what we have serves as a reminder of those experiences... and therein lies the struggle for me of separating the things from the memories and thus from myself and my idea of who I am. Over the course of the past several months, I have, indeed, separated myself from my things - reevaluated the importance and relevance of each thing and then carefully selected those things that I want to take with me into my new life and let go, mourned, or purged everything else. It's been cathartic... cleansing... brutal... healing... so many things all wrapped up into an emotional maelstrom that has ultimately served to smooth the rough edges, define the path forward and strengthen me beyond anything I imagined.
In the midst of all of this 'learning' and growing and evolving has been one constant... JJ... the man I love and for whom all of these things have been undertaken. Never in my life have such deep, constant emotions guided my every step. So often in my past I have taken the easy way out -- when things were too hard, I simply walked away or made excuses as to why it wasn't 'do-able'. Even though this has been one of the most difficult phases of my life - save the infidelity and subsequent back surgery and neurological dysfunction of the early 90's - I have not... not even ONCE... not even for a MOMENT... questioned that this is the right thing to do or that JJ is the one with whom I'm meant to spend the rest of my life.
The only thing that the relationship has contributed to the level of difficulty is the pain of separation and the overwhelming desire to be together. Yet, even this leaves me with a knowing that the instant the waiting is over... the instant I am in his arms... my world will be as it was always meant to be and I will know joy and love like none I have ever imagined.
I wish that there were adequate words to describe what I feel for Julian. Love... adoration... however deep and abiding just seem so small in comparison to the enormity of what we share. In the past, I have wanted desperately to believe that people who came into my life were MEANT for me, yet I can tell you now that they were not -- they were not even close. I know this because of the inexpressible sense of belonging that overwhelms me each time I hear JJ's voice... each time he touches me... each time I gaze into his eyes and see my own soul reflected there.
In just three weeks, I will embark on the next chapter of my life with the man I love. Whatever life brings our way, we will have each other and that, I have learned, is what life is all about.
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