De Tante

Tensions have been alleviated between the island girl and the mainland girl.

No harm, no foul.

Sunrise came

I was wrong.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

The 'we' to which I refer is really ME. Tonight, moreso than most nights in recent memory, I am sore vexed (to continue with the Shakespearean theme). I am caught betwixt jealousy and a loathing of that emotion... between love and hatred... between pride and shame.

I have always thought of jealousy as the refuge of small minds - yet, tonight I find myself so eaten alive by that emotion that I cannot contain it. And while the object of my affection remains so, his cohort has become the object of my disdain... not because of any great transgression - but merely because she is with him and I am not. This fact brings tears to my eyes -- both at the injustice of being so far away and helpless to change my circumstance and at the shame of allowing myself this indulgence.

Still, I have to wonder, was there no consideration for how one's lover might feel? Or have years of being alone dulled that sense?

I'm certain that with tomorrow's sunrise I will feel quite the fool for having entertained these thoughts... but somehow the writing of them has provided a modicum of relief.

I bid you good morrow.

Stolen Moments

... snippets of conversations... interrupted by the unyielding demands of daily life... a few 'I love yous'... and then hours pass as I wait for the next call.

For now, all we have are stolen moments and I am growing weary from needing you so much.

What was and is and is to come...

No, I'm not talking about the Messiah... although the season is perfect for such a discussion... I'm talking about my life.  It's been an interesting - sometimes trying - period in my life these past several months.  Since reuniting with JJ, I have found myself in the position of completely rethinking my life.  Until July 28th, I had a well-ordered - albeit solitary - plan.  My work was my primary focus... a long and distinguished career with a well-known company, a legacy as a philanthropist and a little local fame as a singer.  Today, I find that entire plan has gone by the wayside. The career that I thought I would have has evaporated due to corporate reorganization and I have quite literally divested myself of nearly all of my worldly possessions.  At times like these, one is left to consider who they are in the world and what their legacy will be.  It seems that I now have the opportunity to completely reinvent my future.

One of my biggest 'learnings' in this process has been that things do not define me.  It was a difficult lesson, because I come from a family -- or at least a mother -- who believes that, in some way, we are what we have.  I have always believed that we are a sum of our experiences, and therefore, what we have serves as a reminder of those experiences... and therein lies the struggle for me of separating the things from the memories and thus from myself and my idea of who I am.  Over the course of the past several months, I have, indeed, separated myself from my things - reevaluated the importance and relevance of each thing and then carefully selected those things that I want to take with me into my new life and let go, mourned, or purged everything else.  It's been cathartic... cleansing... brutal... healing... so many things all wrapped up into an emotional maelstrom that has ultimately served to smooth the rough edges, define the path forward and strengthen me beyond anything I imagined.

In the midst of all of this 'learning' and growing and evolving has been one constant... JJ... the man I love and for whom all of these things have been undertaken.  Never in my life have such deep, constant emotions guided my every step.  So often in my past I have taken the easy way out -- when things were too hard, I simply walked away or made excuses as to why it wasn't 'do-able'.  Even though this has been one of the most difficult phases of my life - save the infidelity and subsequent back surgery and neurological dysfunction of the early 90's - I have not... not even ONCE... not even for a MOMENT... questioned that this is the right thing to do or that JJ is the one with whom I'm meant to spend the rest of my life.

The only thing that the relationship has contributed to the level of difficulty is the pain of separation and the overwhelming desire to be together.  Yet, even this leaves me with a knowing that the instant the waiting is over... the instant I am in his arms... my world will be as it was always meant to be and I will know joy and love like none I have ever imagined.

I wish that there were adequate words to describe what I feel for Julian.  Love... adoration... however deep and abiding just seem so small in comparison to the enormity of what we share.  In the past, I have wanted desperately to believe that people who came into my life were MEANT for me, yet I can tell you now that they were not -- they were not even close.  I know this because of the inexpressible sense of belonging that overwhelms me each time I hear JJ's voice... each time he touches me... each time I gaze into his eyes and see my own soul reflected there.

In just three weeks, I will embark on the next chapter of my life with the man I love.  Whatever life brings our way, we will have each other and that, I have learned, is what life is all about.

Nostalgia

The past several weeks, I have been sorting through all of the photos and memorabilia from my life and trying to organize it all into photo albums and scrapbooks.  Today, I got to the scrapbook part... as I sat knee deep in old report cards and growth charts the thought came to me, "who cares?"  Literally?  Who cares?  Other than me and, perhaps my boyfriend (for the first perusal), who will EVER care about the things that happened in my life?  I think about my mom's albums and scrapbooks and trip logs and I know that my brother and I - and perhaps my nieces - will page through them wistfully when she is gone. It's at times like these that the footprint of your life comes into focus.  Without anyone to carry on after you -- without children -- your life (at least the silly scrapbook moments) don't really mean a thing.  These photographs and snipets of my years on this planet will be one more thing to be disposed of... one more item on the list of "what do we do with THESE?"  Cheering letters, pageant crowns, roses pressed in wax paper... love notes, playbills and theatrical reviews... Maybe I should plan for a Viking Funeral... load all of this up with me on a pyre, set it all aflame and send me out to sea... That's easier to think about than the alternative:  my final contribution to America's landfills.

Company cars and carotid arteries...

On Friday I was informed that I must return my company car.  Yesterday I was informed that my mother has the carotid arteries of an 80 year old at age 68.  How does this complicate my life?  Let me count the ways.

First, I had a really nice, neat plan for moving to Hawaii at the end of December to be with the love of my life.  The return of the company car presents a major problem, since I sold my personal vehicle back in June.  What do I drive until I leave for Hawaii?  Beyond the driving part - what does this move say about my position with the company?  Rumor has it that the management program will be completely restructured AND the number of managers reduced by 33%, virtually eliminating any promotion opportunities I might have had. 

But back to the driving part... do you have any idea how expensive it is to rent a car for a month?  Even an economy car at discounted corporate rates would run me over $600 per month - times three months and there goes my budget!  I could buy a beater for about the same price -- just something to get me around town -- but then I'd have to sell it before I leave and who has time for THAT in the midst of liquidating an entire household?  Yet another alternative is to buy a new car and then ship it to Hawaii, but my research indicates that doesn't make good fiscal sense.  While the destination charges and excise taxes in Hawaii are significant, they don't offset the cost of shipping the vehicle and, in fact, I could buy a Toyota cheaper there than here on the mainland.

This is a complication that I just wasn't prepared for. Part of me wants to tell the company to stick it where the sun don't shine, resign and move to Hawaii tomorrow and I actually gave that some consideration.  There are three mitigating factors to that decision:

1. It's probably not too healthy for my career to up and walk away with my numbers being as bad as they are
2. When one adds in the new wrinkle of my mom's health, it has me thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas and getting all fatalistic.
3. It still leaves Caleb smack-dab in the middle of the 120 day quarantine, which would mean having someone else care for him for 90 days -- including his 14 day health screening at the vet, getting his tranquilizers and putting him on a plane January 1st.  That's a lot to ask of anyone... including family.

So, here I sit this morning thinking about carodit arteries and company cars and wondering what the hell I can do about either one.

Hawaii

***I started this post a week ago and am just now getting back to my blog***

On Friday I found out that my office was actually going to be closed for Labor Day -- a holiday not typically celebrated by insurance agents due to the high volume of accidents and claims. That set my mind to racing with thoughts of seeing my baby... just jumping on a jet and showing up at his door. Not quite taking things THAT far, I asked what he thought and he seemed to be game for the adventure, so I started checking prices. Flying out Friday night was outrageously expensive, but a Saturday morning flight with a Monday night return was actually pretty feasible... so, after a little hesitation I clicked "BOOK IT" and, I think, shocked the shit out of him!

After 14 hours of travelling, I arrived at the airport in Honolulu... and there he stood at the bottom of the escalator -- a beautiful lei in hand and a big grin on his face. Being in his arms again was the best feeling ever. Since he has become a reader of my blog, I don't want to praise his skills too much -- it might go to his head. Suffice it to say that he rocks my world.

There was a fire on the island that had the roads knotted and traffic gnarled, so we spent hours making the drive to his place. Dealing with traffic is not his forte, I'm afraid, but that's okay. When we arrived, his dog, Kala was sitting at the front door waiting for us -- seems she had escaped from the back yard -- again. She is just adorable and we became fast friends, with her taking up residence on my lap nearly the instant that I sat down. I had hoped to meet his son, but as it turned out, his mom was on island and had come to get him for the weekend. While I was disappointed, I was also a little relieved that we would have some time alone.

Our weekend together was quiet and relaxed and we enjoyed each other's company. There was a sense of belonging that came over me that was sweet and calming. When I'm with him, I just know that everything is going to be all right.

Saying goodbye at the end of our 48 hours was tough and the flight home was a nightmare, but it was worth every penny and every hour - sleepless though they were. Since then, he has read this entire blog -- and DIDN'T run screaming into the night. He has also witnessed a complete and total meltdown about babies, bless his heart. Interesting thing: he still loves me. Wow.

So, today I will work in my office and do some sorting and cleaning. I see no need to put things away just to pack them again in December, so I'll down-size some more and start packing my "Hawaii" boxes instead. I can't wait to wake up in that tiny condo beside my baby and gaze out our window at this gorgeous view... to be together every day... and every night. I can't wait for Hawaii to be home.

Pragmatism, Doubt and Hope

Since sharing my new love with friends and family I've been struck by the assortment of reactions I've received. They've ranged from incredulity to elation. What surprises me most is that the people I thought would be happiest for me -- the ones who've watched me wallow in the pits of miry clay, who've seen the tears, witnessed the disappointment and finally the resignation -- have nothing but warnings and doubts.

The past ten... no, make that fifteen years of my life have been filled with betrayal, disappointment, deception and despair. Why then, when happiness finally comes my way, must the nay-sayers try to steal that from me? I want to think that they have my best interest at heart, but part of me wonders... especially about my mother... Somehow, I think that nothing I ever do will be good enough for her. Damn - I'm 44 years old and still she can get to me with the tone of voice, the "well, you know, you never... or you always..." Sorry, mom. You don't get to steal THIS joy.

On the flip side, I have a dear friend who is as giddy as a school girl for me. As for me... I have hope for the first time in a long time... hope that love really does exist... hope that someone will love me... just little old me... just as I am... hope that it CAN be forever... hope - no, BELIEF, that I have finally found what's been missing in my life... who's been missing from my life... My love, my heart...

Sunrise

We talked until the sun came up.
Hearing your voice made the miles disappear and almost... almost made it seem as if you were near enough to touch...
Your laughter, your tears moved me beyond words
Just five more days, my love... and we will watch the sunrise together.

Joy Unspeakable...

and full of glory...

This scripture from First Peter speaks of love and belief... love and belief born of faith... sight unseen. I have always loved this scripture and the way it describes pure joy... I believe there is some of this kind of joy to be had on earth, for God gives good gifts to his children.

The Secret Room...

There has been a secret room in my heart since the day that my innocent view of love was destroyed. In that room, I kept my insecurities, my vulnerabilities and hid the scars and bruises of abuse and rejection. For years, I have kept the Secret Room locked... I've peeked through the keyhole from time to time, to make sure everything was safe and sound in there, but left its contents undisturbed, save to toss in a new hurt from time to time. I have always maintained the "Keep Out" sign on the door to that room and, while I have loved, I have not done so completely and while I have been loved, I have not fully given myself to that love.

Two weeks ago, that all began to change. God, sensing that the Secret Room was ready to be emptied, sent a dear, sweet man back into my life. This man has loved me since we were children and gave himself to me some twenty-five years ago -- shortly after the Secret Room came into being. When I looked at him then, I saw pure adoration in his eyes -- a love I did not feel I deserved -- and I pushed him away. I thought that surely if he saw all of the things locked away in that room, his eyes would turn cold and I couldn't bear that thought.

I now find myself standing at the door to the Secret Room -- key in hand -- nervous, yet knowing at the very core of who I am that this room no longer serves a purpose. I find myself wishing... longing... to stand before this man - exposed - unashamed - because I know and trust that each bruise will disappear, each scar will be kissed away and each insecurity will be erased with the strength of his love for me. I pray only that I can love him with the same unconditional love he has shown me... always.

Bid time to hasten you to my arms...

... I love Elizabethan prose... especially when it's addressed to me!!!!!

CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!

Vacation Countdown Clock Generator

What if...

What if I hadn't broken your heart all those years ago...
What if we had married -- me, broken and wounded -- you, fiercely loyal and in love...
Would we have survived? Would there have been a bigger heart-break down the road?
As I look back on my past and as you take me on the journey through yours, it seems as if the Universe has conspired to create this perfect moment in which we find ourselves today. We have grown, we have suffered losses and we have been through the valleys - each on our own, but still in the secret places of our hearts we have carried the torch of the sweet, loving moment in time that we shared some twenty-five years ago.

While experience has both of us questioning the sanity of it all, our hearts are crying out with longing for the other... and not for the memories of the past, but for the possibilities of the future. What if we were to choose this time in life to be confined by propriety and stifled by fear? Would we squander this perfect gift that has been laid before us?

What if, instead, we surrender ourselves to the joy of love and run headlong into each others arms... What if we just say 'yes' to happiness?

Five hour conversation...

wow. Must sleep now... perchance to dream...

Come Away With Me...

Norah Jones' song has taken on new meaning... August 21st... weekend rendezvous ... many, many more 3 am conversations to come between now and then.

Connected...

Five days... 20 e-mails... I'm thinking, "why do I have to wait until Sunday to talk to you?" The e-mail asking that question is no sooner hurled into cyberspace than my phone rings and it is him... wondering the same thing.

An hour and a half later, the call ends abruptly... seems our conversation outlasted his cellphone battery.

If

If all of your e-mails were letters, the pages would be worn and tattered...

The Do-Over

Rarely in life do we get do-overs... I think that I have just been given an amazing gift... a do-over with a wonderful man who has loved me since we were kids. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I do know that just having him back in my life today is blessing enough.

The Girl

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had been through a lot with a boy and she was scarred and fragile. She met another boy who adored her... and she adored him, but somewhere in the dark corners of her mind, she didn't think she deserved him. For years she felt unworthy of anyone's adoration, but eventually, she found healing and wholeness and joy. The boy is back... only he's a man now... The girl wonders if he would understand... she wonders...

Once upon a time there was a woman...

Moving On

I've been in Midlothian for one month today... divorce complaint has been filed... new job is underway... life is settling in.

It's odd that my parents are selling the home in which I grew up. I spent the morning and early afternoon sorting through a big box of my stuff from high school and college... it's funny because there are some people of whom I have absolutely no recollection. Then, there are the fond memories, like Richard Greener -- a summer vacation crush from 1979. Mom found pictures and I found several letters he wrote me... Oh, for the innocence of youth.

Feeling nostalgic tonight and more than a little lonely... This is a lot of change to process all at once. I know I need to be cautious with my feelings... I'm probably the most vulnerable I've been in years.

Moving on... to what? Only time will tell.

The Morning After

Retrospect is a great thing. It helps us realize that each of us has tipping points and the intensity of our reactions may not be directly proportional to the tipping event - rather to the enormity of the "big picture."

For several months now, I have been holding the seams of my world together with fine-spun thread... last night, the thread broke. What's important for me to remember is that I did not break. This morning I woke up and began my day as I will begin many more to come. The earth did not tip off its axis, the sun did not stop shining... it just appears a little less bright to my weary eyes. I'm sure that a day will come in the not-too-distant future when I will look around me and see a beautiful day and the sun's rays will have returned to their former glory. That is what hope is all about.

Thanks to my friends for supporting me in the valley. I promise to invite you all to the mountaintop!

Pornography

Did that get any one's attention? In my previous life -- before most of you who know me knew me -- my ex-husband had an addiction to pornography -- and voyeurism -- and snuff films -- and couldn't decide which team he wanted to bat for. Today, after "A" took time out of his schedule to help me record a few classical pieces for the potential buyer for my piano, he was forced to go to the "movies" section of his I-Mac... what I saw there sent me into PTSD all over again... I have not been able to stop crying. I don't know why it bothers me -- after all, I AM divorcing him... but once again, I feel as if porn has replaced me... and it doesn't feel good. I can't even begin to articulate the reason for my tears... they just won't stop.

Mine, mine, mine, all mine!

After much deliberation, "A" has decided that Caleb loves me more than he loves him and that he should stay with me!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Adieu to the Piano

Adieu to the Piano: Attributed to Beethoven posthumously, this piece expresses a love for the piano forte and in its minor key development, the sadness at saying adieu.

Today, I'm taking pictures of my 1927 Steinway A-III Heirloom grand to send to a dealer who has expressed an interest in purchasing it from me. It hurts my heart to have to sell this gorgeous instrument with the warm, rich tones -- but given the fact that I'll likely be moving twice in the next 18 months and need to maintain two households for the foreseeable future, I see no alternatives. It's a time of change for me right now and, quite frankly, I'm not dealing with it very well at all. In addition to selling the piano, I'm facing separation from my baby boy - Caleb; the sale of my grandmother's house where I've lived since her passing; taking a step backward in my career; and divorcing my husband of nine years.

It struck me the other day that I have spent nearly a quarter of my life with this man -- some of the most difficult years of my life. I would like to say that I'm handling it all with grace and aplomb, but I'm not. I know that, ultimately, I will come through it all - as I always have - and will be a better, stronger person for having done so. It's just a tough patch at the moment and my place of solace - at the keys - will be absent for the duration.

Ma'am, step AWAY from the Blackberry

It occurs to me that booze and Blackberries simply do not mix. For the third time in as many weeks, I have fired off a totally inappropriate text message after the third or fourth adult beverage and it's become embarrassing! If I could figure out how to install a breathalyzer on the damned thing, I would -- they can do it with car ignitions, surely someone out there can figure out how to lock you out of the text messaging function if you're toasted.

So, this morning, once again, I'm sending the obligatory "I'm sorry... I'm an idiot" e-mail. Now, I need a nap. I'm old and simply cannot handle the late nights any more. (sigh) Sad, but true.

When the Emotional Becomes Physical

Recently I've found that the mere thought of coming home causes me physical pain. It happened again today. I had been fine for most of my two days at the beach - save the emotional stress of trying to figure out what to do about my job (or the lack thereof) and trying to figure out why a friend took a particular, unexpected action in our relationship. Then, this morning after checking out of the hotel, I went for one last walk on the beach before heading home. As I turned around to head for the car, my stomach started hurting and by the time I reached the car, I was nearly bent over from the pain.

Just one more sign that I need to get this taken care of now... but it appears as if "A" is going to take every last day of the 90 days notice I gave him before he moves out... even offered to stay given the change in my work status.

In the midst of all of my personal drama, I got word that one of the two teens murdered near my home last week was the only son of my first high school boyfriend. That kind of put things in perspective.

The Job That Wasn't

For six weeks now - since the fateful day I got my lay-off notice -- everyone has been telling me that I'd be fine and that there would always be a place for me on the team in my region. I assumed that on May 5th, I would start a new job and that I would, indeed, be fine. On Thursday, I found out that while I may be "fine" in the long run, there is a hiccup in the plan: they have no spot for me at the moment and I could be unemployed for as much as 90 days while they "create" a spot. Given that I've offered bribe, I mean INCENTIVE, money to "A" to get him to move out, this puts me in a bit of a pickle. Were it not for the remuneration I received for The Trip That Wasn't, I would be up that well known creek with no visible means of propulsion.

I don't know what the Universe has in mind, but it should be an interesting ride!

As for my allusion to an interesting change coming in my life - there was a complete reversal there too... so nothing fun to look forward to.

(sigh)

The good part of my week is that I am at the Beach this weekend on the 12th floor of an oceanfront hotel soaking up one of the most gorgeous days in recent memory. This, thanks to the 75 days I spent in a hotel last year that earned me Platinum Elite status! :-)

Sweet!

Property Settlement Agreement - Check...

Divorced before my birthday -- check!

I'm so tickled with my attorney I could just dance a jig! Since "A" and I have been living separate and apart since last July with no marital relations (TMI, I know and I'm sorry), as soon as our PSA is filed with the court, I can file my complaint and will more than likely be divorced before my birthday in early June!!!!!

Now, if I can just get him to stop threatening suicide and wanting to take my dog away!!!!!

More later.

The Deed is Done

I spoke with A this weekend and told him that I think it's time we end the charade of pretending to be married. Of course, this necessitates him moving, so he wasn't happy about it. There was the usual accusation of cheating -- which I was expecting -- and even an offer to go to counseling -- which I didn't believe, because he has such a low opinion of anyone in that field. I've tried to remove as many obstacles as possible, so I'm paying for his movers and lifting his rent requirement until he moves out -- which, hopefully, will be on or about July 15th.

I have an appointment with an attorney on Wednesday and I'm on my way to the bank right now to unlink our accounts and remove the JTWROS provision from my accounts.

Now, I just have to figure out how to stay out of his way and convince him, without causing an argument, that Caleb should stay with me!

That's all I have for now.

Stay tuned!

Twist of Fate

My life has taken an interesting and unexpected turn. Stay tuned as a new possibility opens up and I set off into uncharted waters.

On the job front, I had one of THE most awful interviews of my life this past week. The hiring manager was the hind-end of an equine and tossed out such winning phrases as, "well, you DO realize that being a wholesaler is more than just being the bubbly girl at the front of the room whom everyone likes and when she's done they all say, 'wasn't she GREAT!'?" Oh, and then there was the priceless usage of the word "buffoon" in reference to our financial professionals and "nothing more than glorified trainers" in reference to the job I'm leaving. Yes, he was a real winner! I wouldn't take that job now if he begged me on hands and knees. What a schmuck!

On the home front, this weekend will be atom bomb weekend at my house. I have enough things settled that I feel confident in striking out on my own. I have a plan -- let's just hope it doesn't blow up in my face.

That's all for now... but, like I said, STAY TUNED!!!!!

Job Interview Hell

Last Friday I was scheduled to interview for a Regional job in Atlanta (just the interview, not the job). I got to the airport, after checking in from home the night before and arrived at the gate, handed over my "seat assignment" ticket and was told, "I'm sorry, we're over-booked and the next possible flight gets you in at 4:15 pm. My interview was at 1.

So, no trip to Atlanta for me. Now, I'm in New York, ready for the second try. Fingers crossed for a meaningful outcome -- that could either mean getting the job or getting a clear indication that it's the WRONG job for me.

More later.

F is for F-A-I-L

For the first time in my life (or at least in my memory), I failed a test. I knew just 95% of the information I needed in order to pass...

My morning started beautifully: I exercised (down 5 pounds this past week, thank you very much), ate a healthy breakfast, showered and packed up the car. I hit the road one hour prior to my exam for a typical 20 - 30 minute drive and then... there they were.. the flashing red lights, the miles of tail lights... a traffic jam. I was late for my exam by nearly 10 minutes. It went down hill from there.

Needless to say, I will be re-taking the exam in 30 days (there's a 30 day lock-out). Hopefully, the second time will be a charm. I've sent a scathing e-mail to the study material company for all of the technical difficulties and have made arrangements to "borrow" the old-fashioned practice exam disc from a colleague.

To top it off, the big boss announced that the three company trips for which I qualified have been cancelled by the company due to the fall-out from the AIG debacle. Even though we've accepted no TARP funds and are in an incredibly strong financial position, the top performers in our company are being punished and having our rewards snatched out from under us.

I'm just in a pissy mood tonight -- nothing that a good shot of Irish Whiskey and several good Ales could not cure.

Tomorrow is D-Day

At 9 am I will sit down for a six hour examination to become a General Securities Representative, which - along with 79 cents will get me a cup of Joe at the 7-11. The Universe has conspired against me this weekend. My home computer crashed and, along with it, the study interface for the practice exams. I've been relying on the old-fashioned method of studying: reading. I decided to take my ONE online practice this morning and the results were less-than-stellar -- not even a passing grade. That's frightening, given that the exam is just 17 hours away.

I printed out the results and trouble-shot the areas where I missed the most questions. Then, I decided to take another break to see if I could get the #&&"*#(% computer to cooperate with me. I have it running again, but I am unable to access any of the program files associated with my corrupt version of XP. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

So, it's back to the BOOK with me... all 781 pages of it.

Wish me luck!

59 More Days...

Today, I got my 60 Day Notification Letter. I have until May 4th to find another position within the company, or I will be terminated. The severance package: 2 weeks pay.

There you have it!

Now, I just have to decide which of the whopping THREE jobs I want. Country-wide, there are 21 jobs available and 84 people applying for them. While my leaders are all behind me, they all keep saying "there are NO guarantees." Without a Series 7, two of the jobs are out of reach - so I will be sitting for the exam on Monday, March 16th.

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it!

It's Yesterday Once More

shoo-bee-dooo-lang-lay....

Yesterday came and went without any announcement. What we did hear through the grapevine was that our wholesaling department has been decimated. We also heard that every other person in my position on the entire East Coast is being told to do the same thing I've been told to do -- all with eyes toward the ONE position that is open in my region. Nice.

Since my last post, I've stopped functioning normally. Everything I hear seems to be tied in some freakish way to the fact that my job is being eliminated. "Did you hear that Tony was late to work this morning?" My brain thinks: "He must have been at a super-secret meeting talking about the lay-offs. I KNEW it!!!"

Even GOOD news freaks me out. I had my annual review and it went really, really well. I got a nice bonus, albeit less than I had projected and was told that I'm also getting a raise, but he didn't know how much... My brain thinks: "He's not telling me how much because there really isn't going to BE a raise -- he's just stringing me along." I have RIFitis. There, I've said it. So sue me!

I've decided that the cure for this disease is a nice slumber party at the home of my friend, colleague and partner in crime in Richmond. We have a plan to annihilate our brains with copious amounts of alcohol so that we can't REMEMBER that there are lay-offs coming.

Hey, it's a plan. I doubt if you could come up with a better one, so lay-off! See, there I go again!

I'm a Control Freak

I admit it. I cannot stand not being in control of my own future. I'm sitting here waiting for my company to decide whether or not I have a job and wondering when the hell some one's going to tell me when it's all going down! Rumors are flying around -- everything from "it's over" to "you'll have through the end of the year." I'm leaning more toward the former, not the latter. Too many things are lining up for me to think that the picture is rosy. I went out to our intranet to download my job requirements and measurement standards for the coming year, as I have my review and planning meeting this Tuesday -- it's gone. Poof. Disappeared since last weekend. The job I've been studying for -- nose to the grindstone -- for weeks is GONE. Poof. Disappeared since last weekend.

THE HANDWRITING IS ON THE WALL AND IT'S BECOMING CLEARER BY THE DAY.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate either on the studying or on the performance of my duties with the axe waving somewhere overhead. I've called everyone I know to call. My boss keeps telling me that no one will want to let me go because... blah, blah, blah... but if NO ONE has the budget money to keep me, it doesn't matter how freaking amazing I am, I'm GONE. G - O - N - E. I finally broke down and started posting for internal positions -- but the rumor mill says that the BIG announcement is coming on Wednesday -- so there will be 66 of us, all vying for 4 positions country-wide. All I can say is that I hope like hell I finished in the top three in the country! I was number 6 at the end of November, before we made and exceeded our plan.

Someone put me out of my misery, PLEASE! I need details... I need to know what's coming... I simply cannot abide the unknown! I guess that makes me a control freak. So be it. I've been called worse!

Finally, an update...

Long overdue, I know... but things have been topsy-turvy these past weeks. Here is a picture of me and my dad at the Sugar Bowl:

Yes, that's me... at the heaviest weight I've ever been in my life... Still, the trip was priceless and I wouldn't trade my time with my daddy for anything in the world.

I took mom to D.C., as planned... that trip was less memorable. The musical was in its closing weekend and the SECOND understudy was playing the lead role. She sounded like Minnie Mouse on helium and I couldn't wait for her to shut up! The woman playing the role of the hair dresser on the other hand, was FABULOUS! My favorite part of the trip was the one hour massage at the Williamsburg Spa... THAT was heavenly.

Okay... so I know this is not why you all tuned in today... you want to know where things are with the marriage. Well, right after I got back from New Orleans, I had a meeting with my boss where he "strongly encouraged" me to get my next set of securities licenses: my Series 7 (General Securities Representative) and Series 24 (General Securities Principal). I already hold life, health, annuity, Limited Securities Representative, Limited Securities Principal, Uniform Securities Agent, and Municipal Fund Securities licenses... but in order to be promoted, I must hold a Series 24. Why now? I asked... I was told in the most cryptic of manners that "Changes are coming and I want you to be properly positioned."

The next thing I know, rumors are flying around that my position is being eliminated... not my JOB... my POSITION, which means that 65 other people in the country will also be jockeying for new offices. This sent me into a bit of a panic. So, I'm currently knee-deep in an 800 page Series 7 Study Guide, while still travelling 4 out of 5 nights a week. Rumor has it that this will be a "phase out" over the remainder of the year. As the top financial sales leader in my region in the number one territory in the country, I expect that I will have my pick of where I go... but go I must. There are just no jobs to be had where I currently reside.

So, I decided to stay the course for the short-term -- at least until I get my bonus pay-out in March... and perhaps until I get a company move package. Cop out? Maybe... but I'd rather bank the money he's currently paying in rent just in case I'm not able to find a landing place when the axe falls.

That's my world at the moment. I'll try to do a better job of updating you guys!