Friday, February 25, 2005

When is it okay to bitch-slap your boss?

I'm just curious. Is there a defined set of circumstances under which this is permissible? Is there a "get out of jail free" card for having endured months on end of lying and conniving and condescension? Would a jury believe me if I told them that I'd been pushed beyond the limits of human endurance?

I cannot even begin to fathom what next week (my last week) will bring! She's circling the wagons and I'm most definitely being left in Indian territory. (Not that that's a bad thing, mind you, I'm part Indian myself and have always supported the Native Americans in any struggle -- especially those involving land, buffalo or horses.)

I fear that one more snide remark will unravel my very last nerve and set me loose on the woman like a lioness on fresh wildebeest. I envision an all-out chick fight, rife with hair-pulling, kicking, scratching and name calling that would make a sailor blush. Of course, I win... but not before personally cracking every over-priced veneer in her wee little noggin'.

Whew!!! Who knew I had such violent tendencies?!?

I guess propriety will not allow me to fulfill this glorious fantasy, huh? It was nice while it lasted... if only in my mind.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire (or should that be fiar?)

It just amazes me when people lie about things when there's no reason to. Now, granted, in principle, it's never a good idea to lie, but there are those moments when it's the safest thing to do. For example, when your mom buys you underwear for Christmas -- one wouldn't dare say, "good grief, mom... couldn't you get me something GOOD for Christmas instead of this granny underwear?" Instead, one politely says "thank you, that's just what I needed." You get my drift -- there are times when untruths are at least understandable if not downright preferable to the cold hard truth.

So, then, why is it that someone would invent a story about something that's a complete non-issue. Everyone knows by now that I resigned from my job at the brokerage... so I arrived at work this morning and the boss' car was already in the parking lot -- something that NEVER happens... but, when I get to the office we share, there are no lights on and it doesn't appear that she's come in. About an hour later, she comes in and I say in a very lighthearted tone, "I thought I saw your car in the parking lot when I came in -- where have you been hiding?" and she fabricates a story about being pulled in to a meeting with one of the partners of the firm. Later in the day, the receptionist asks me how the boss' interview went this morning... I replied that I was unaware of any interviews and was told that first thing this morning, the boss interviewed this blonde for my job. What was the purpose of this lie? I know I'm leaving, I know I need to be replaced, I know that the only way to accomplish this is to interview people. What gives?

Now, keep in mind that this is just one lie of MANY over the past year and a half. She lies to everyone: clients, carrier reps, friends, colleagues -- but it's usually either an attempt to manipulate people or to cover her ass. I don't know why I thought I should be any different... but I certainly didn't think she lied just for the hell of it, ya know? Someone should put a Pinochio curse on that woman. She'd be unable to stand upright within 24 hours. Gack! I hate liars.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Freddie Mercury Answers Life's Difficult Questions

So, maybe it was the guy on American Idol who sang "We Are the Champions" that caused the song to rise to my conscious mind again... whatever the reason, I was just sitting here at my desk thinking of the lyrics -- the first verse in particular -- and I now have my answer to the question of deserving:

I've paid my dues -
Time after time -
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime -
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

Who would have thought that the lyrics from a song by Queen would speak to my soul... but there you have it! This is the answer I've been searching for. This is why I DESERVE to succeed - to be happy - to live life to the fullest -- I've EARNED IT!

What a plethora of profundity... or perhaps it's just a mountain of manure. We may never really know for sure. Whatever the case, at least I got to exercise my alliterative muscles for the afternoon!

Girls' Day Out

Yesterday, I invited my mom to lunch and a movie since I was off for President's Day. We went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch (yum) and then went to see Being Julia with Annette Bening. I absolutely LOVED that movie! What a gem. Annette Bening was wonderful, as usual. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who may want to see it, so all I can say is, "Brava, Julia!"

Friday, February 18, 2005

The Art of Resignation

Today, I resigned from my job at the brokerage firm in order to sign the contract with my new, Fortune 500 employer. I had really intended to do it yesterday... but the time just never seemed right. Keep in mind that the woman for whom I worked is a bit neurotic and I've never been quite sure how she's going to react to ANYTHING -- let alone something this earth shattering.

So, this morning I go in with a knot in my stomach -- having built the whole thing into this HUGE scene in my mind. I've worked it all out... I'll start by buttering her up and telling her how wonderful she is and then I'll drop the bomb. So, around 9:20 she saunters in (normal daily routine) and I think to myself, "let her get settled in and then tell her you need a few minutes of her time"... and then the phone starts to ring and there are problems with a big account and she's ranting and raving about how incompetent people are... so I think, "better wait for things to calm down."

Next, we get changes for a proposal that's supposed to be delivered today... so, again, I delay until all of the final documents are in her hands. At this point, I finally ask her for about 5 minutes of her time. She nods her assent... and the waiting begins. I'm well aware that she has a lunch appointment and then will likely be out of the office the remainder of the day... that's the way she likes to work her Fridays... it gets her to her weekend home "on the River" sooner... Tick-tock, tick-tock... 11 o'clock rolls around and she's rushing around the office like a ferret on speed... 11:15, 11:20, 11:30... she exclaims that she has to pee and then MUST rush out the door. Frantically, I begin to think of alternatives... I'll e-mail her at home -- yeah, that's the ticket -- what a relief! I won't have to do this in person!!! Hooray!

Back from the bathroom she comes -- grabs her coat, her keys and starts out the door. I tell her, "just check your e-mail tonight... I'll put everything in there..." and she stops in her tracks. My heart sinks. She turns... slowly... and closes the door. She says, "I completely forgot, go ahead and tell me what you need to tell me." I say, "no, that's okay... you go ahead... I can put it all in an e-mail. I don't want to do this as you're rushing out the door..." But, alas, my protests fall on deaf ears. She insists... and at that moment, my carefully constructed resignation script flies right out of my pea brain and I blurt out, "I'm leaving!"

This is where it gets good -- are you sitting down? She says, "oh, okay... well, I'm not surprised." What the fuck!?!?!? You must be kidding me!?!? I've spent DAYS agonizing over this resignation and THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME? "I'm not surprised!?!?" So much for earth shattering!

Crestfallen, I slink back to my desk and finish out the day... my only consolation is the thought that, in her typical neurotic fashion, she was holding back her real feelings and will spend the entire weekend in agony over the fact that I'm leaving.

Well... a girl can dream, can't she?

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

You Get What You Deserve... or Do You?

I've often heard people say that you get what you deserve... but who decides what you deserve? Do we decide it and then create a life that only allows those things we think we deserve? Is there some great cosmic list of deservedness? I'm curious to know!

On one level, I think we sometimes create our own reality -- either through self-limiting thoughts or through self-destructive behaviors -- or at the other end of the spectrum, through positive reinforcement and purposefull actions. On quite another level, I wonder if there's something to the theory of predestination -- that some of us are just destined to be or do certain things.

I'm of two minds about it... and here's why I've been thinking about it so much: I'm about to embark on a new career with a Fortune 500 Company and I find myself thinking defeatist thoughts -- "who do I think I'm kidding -- this is a Fortune 500 company... I don't have what it takes to make it here... these people are amazing and I'm just... well, I'm just me" or "how in the world will I ever face my friends and family if I fail at this?" Why can't I be thinking, "man, I'm going to spend my first million like this..." or "I can't wait until they turn me loose so I can break all of their sales records." What is it about my wiring that seems to short circuit in the face of success? My mom made an interesting assertion the other night... one of the more salient points in our otherwise frustrating conversation... she said that she didn't think I felt that I DESERVED to succeed. When I add this statement from the woman who bore me to the thoughts outlined above, I have to say that it seems a likely answer.

Now, if I can just figure out WHY! I mean, I'm smart enough, I'm not UGLY (although I could stand to lose 25 pounds), I know that I am capable of the tasks required, people like and trust me... why am I planning for my failure rather than for my success? Why is it that I sat here this morning, seriously considering taking a week's vacation to go to the career school rather than just resign my job and start fresh and new? What's wrong with me? Does it have to do with feeling like I don't DESERVE to be happy, or successful or accomplished? I mean, I certainly have my share of dirty laundry from my younger days and I've made my share of mistakes... I have to wonder if this is the same wiring fault that caused me to give up on trying to have a child because I felt as if it would never happen to me... did I self-determine my childlessness? Did I somehow feel that I didn't deserve to be a mother?

Flip-side: did the woman who invented the story of seeing a baby thrown from a moving vehicle DESERVE to have a baby? Does anyone TRULY get what they DESERVE in this life, or for that matter, do people always deserve what they get? Is this whole concept merely a contrived mind-control technique to get people to "behave" properly? I'm not certain... but I DO know that this realization is a giant step in the right direction for me.

Monday, February 14, 2005

When will I learn?

One of these days, I'm going to learn that sharing personal realizations with my mother is a complete and total waste of my time. When am I going to learn that all I'm going to get from her is the same old "you always have... or you never have..." kinds of responses? She was programmed that way by her entire dysfunctional life -- with an alcoholic father, a cold fish mother and a husband who had major anger issues. She's stuck in the poor little fat girl story of her life even though she's 63 years old. She is the epitome of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and she has been there for me through some pretty difficult times in my life. Perhaps the lesson here is really MINE to learn and not hers. I've read that the sure sign of insanity is to repeat the same actions over and over again expecting different results... and that's exactly what I've been doing with mom for years... talking to her, expecting a thoughtful, healthy response, when all that's been programmed in are dysfuctional answers. Just so no one reading this gets the wrong idea... I am NOT a cold fish and I have suffered my own tragic events in life. The difference is that I realized I was being adversely affected by the events and took the steps to get past them and move on with my life. Was it easy? No. Hell no. Was it worth it? A resounding YES! YES! YES! Had I allowed the tragic events in my life to rule me, I would probably be dead right now. I was headed for suicide just as surely as summer follows spring. My mother has her own kind of death to deal with -- the death of her spirit. It's sad to watch and I don't know what to say to her... she's so possessive of her injuries... protecting them and nurturing them as one would a prized orchid. All she's managing to do, however, is to poison her very soul with the bitterness and unforgiveness.

I'll stop for now - there is, after all, work to be done. Just one closing thought... it is so difficult to watch people close to you struggle against things you know they can overcome... but there is no helping... I've found that it's a road one must travel alone until reaching the turnpike that leads to healing... that turnpike is the realization that you need help and the on-ramp is simply asking.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Confounding Dreams and Arrested Development

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up shaking your head, wondering, "where in the hell did THAT dream come from?" I had one of those last night. It's one of those intensely private dreams that you're embarrassed to admit to any living soul -- but I guess the anonymity of the Internet will allow it:

I was in the bathroom stall at work, occupied with one of the usual tasks associated with the location, when all of a sudden, in walk four of my colleagues to have a meeting. I'm kind of stuck there for the moment, if you know what I mean, and can't get up or cover myself or even hide what I'm doing... I mumble out some sort of apology and they begin their meeting (although how they got that desk and four chairs into that tiny bathroom stall, I'll never know). The embarrassment continues as it remains obvious that I'm not just in there depositing the morning's coffee... but what's a girl to do? When the inevitable time comes to finish the task at hand -- well, it just seems to be too much to handle -- so I do a very perfunctory job of it (kind of like a five year old who's in a hurry to go back outside to play) and make my escape. The prevailing thought in my mind as I leave is, "boy am I going to have some serious skid marks." It's almost funny -- if it weren't so disturbing! I've read that bathroom dreams have to do with invasion of privacy and/or feeling as if you've been exposed. I'm not sure why I would feel that way... with the possible exception of my visit with the shrink at my neurologist's office the other day... but I didn't tell her anything I haven't already shared. I guess I'll add that to the "things that make ya go 'hmmmmm'" list.

On to other things. I had an interesting spat with my DH last night (dear husband for those who need a glossary of terms -- although last night, the 'd' could have stood for a variety of other, less endearing terms.) We were playing Jenga -- a game we've never played before, but one I thought would be fun. Boy, was I wrong. Several minutes into the first game, DH topples the tower and loses the game. We reset the blocks and start over. Once again, he topples the tower and then morphs in to a petulant six year old! "I don't like this game... Let's play UpWords" in the most obnoxious, whiney voice I've heard since the last time my nieces (who exceed his emotional age by one year) were here. We reset the blocks again and he continues with the "sore loser" stuff and plucks my last nerve. I, quite purposefully, topple the tower and start putting away the game. I inform him that he's behaving like a 6 year old, to which he replies, "well, why don't you leave me and marry a forty year old," to which I quip, "I'd sooner be single, thank you." Well, true to his typical form, he storms out of the house and comes back with his TRUE love, a bottle of booze... once again confirming what I've known for a while now... he is the epitome of arrested development.

I fully understand why -- he WAS, after all, shipped off to boarding school at the ripe old age of nine and was shifted from school to school - spending holidays alone or with the head master or staff... poor little rich boy... we all have our stories of hardship. The thing is, some of us get on with our lives, and some continue to wallow in the muck and mire of things past that can never be changed and that only serve to perpetuate the misery. My prescription for him would be exorcism... no, I don't mean the Catholic version... I mean the getting-real-with-yourself, put-the-past-behind-me, wrest-control-of-my-life from the dark side kind. Unfortunately, I think that would require some professional intervention, since he's simply not equipped to go there... and I simply lack the strength of character to go there with him. Next time I order from the menu of life, I think I'm ordering mine "well done."

Saturday, February 12, 2005

A Nation's Shame

This morning I was watching A&E's series on horses. The piece that really caught my attention was about the Nez Perce Indians and their prized Appaloosa horses. As I listened to the narrator tell of the horrible treatment this tribe suffered at the hands of the US government, I was moved to tears. These beautiful people and their gorgeous animals were driven from their homes, pursued across three states and eventually, all of their precious horses were destroyed. Their culture, which was centered on horse breeding, was destroyed and not until recently were these proud people able to return to the work of their forefathers.

This makes me so ashamed of our country. What arrogance! What downright evil! I never cease to be amazed at the superiority complex of many Americans -- not just then, but even today. There are those who think that their way of life is the only "civilized" way to live and never give a moment's thought to the ways of ancient cultures, whose values and traditions are dismissed out of hand as backward or "undemocratic."

Who decided that Americans are the sole arbiters of good and evil? What, pray tell, gives this country with it's horrible history of human rights violations of its own, any right to decide when others have strayed from the "straight and narrow" or worse, to take on the role of disciplinarian in correcting them? Today, I am very sad and very ashamed of my country. I know this happened long ago, but I see the potential in our country to repeat this history and it frightens me.

Perhaps I'm too much the Universalist, but I think we have lost so much by conquering rather than learning from those whose cultures differ from ours. Each act of dominance destroys an opportunity for growth and understanding. Surely heaven must weep... or perhaps heaven has decided to shake the very foundations of the earth to get our attention. Are we listening? Can we hear? Or have we been deafened by our own rhetoric and cries of supremacy? You know, it was Hitler's goal to spread his doctrine across the world -- if not by acquiescence, then by brute force. I wonder how history will portray us?

Friday, February 11, 2005

This week's revelation

First, I want to answer some of the questions posed by my readers. (LOL) Yes, I took dance, voice and piano lessons as a child and then took ballroom dancing lessons after my first marriage broke up. I adore dancing and I'm pretty good at it, if I don't mind saying so myself. I worked in local theatre for several years after college and adored musicals -- I starred in Cabaret at a regional theatre (that tells you something about the changes in my figure over the years, because I acutally wore a bustier, garter and hose and looked GOOD! LOL Maybe I'll dig out one of the cast photos and scan it in.

Anyway, life eventually got in the way -- I burned out trying to earn a living AND do theatre for free and I let it fall by the wayside. One of my few regrets in life.

So, on to this week's revelation. As some of you know, I've been undergoing some neurological testing due to some severe headaches and memory loss and a few other assorted neurological happenings. Well, part of the baseline testing was to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. What an absolutely NEAT lady this doctor was. We talked for an hour and as I recounted my history to her I realized something: I've never been a real success at anything that's important to me. What?!? you might exclaim... yes, it's true! I did the retrogression myself and sure enough every time I get close to being TRULY successful at something wonderful, I self destruct! So, I've decided that it's time to get to the bottom of this and to put an end to the cycle. 40's not too late to do that, is it?

Anyhooooo... on the brighter side of life, I am totally, madly and deeply in love... with my puppy. He is absolutely the BEST thing that's ever happened to me. I've never really known what it's like to have any being so glad to see me and to always want to be with me. The minute I come through the door, I become the center of his Universe... and he of mine. Sad to say, but the marriage pales in comparison. Did I say that out loud?

Anyway, here's a picture of the little guy. Isn't he adorable?

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Today's Musings

I'm not really sure if I have anything important to say... some days I feel as if I do... some days, well, not so much.

I thought I would start by explaining the URL name and the title of this blog. You know the age old question: if you could be anything in the world you wanted to be, what would it be? Well, the answer to that question for me is a Big Band singer. Growing up, I was enamored of the Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers set and used to dream of singing and dancing my way through life on the magnificent sets with men in top hats and tails. (sigh) Real life turned out to be nothing at all like what I expected!

Today, I'm a financial advisor... pretty far cry from a Big Band Singer, huh? What can I say... life happens.