When will I learn?

One of these days, I'm going to learn that sharing personal realizations with my mother is a complete and total waste of my time. When am I going to learn that all I'm going to get from her is the same old "you always have... or you never have..." kinds of responses? She was programmed that way by her entire dysfunctional life -- with an alcoholic father, a cold fish mother and a husband who had major anger issues. She's stuck in the poor little fat girl story of her life even though she's 63 years old. She is the epitome of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and she has been there for me through some pretty difficult times in my life. Perhaps the lesson here is really MINE to learn and not hers. I've read that the sure sign of insanity is to repeat the same actions over and over again expecting different results... and that's exactly what I've been doing with mom for years... talking to her, expecting a thoughtful, healthy response, when all that's been programmed in are dysfuctional answers. Just so no one reading this gets the wrong idea... I am NOT a cold fish and I have suffered my own tragic events in life. The difference is that I realized I was being adversely affected by the events and took the steps to get past them and move on with my life. Was it easy? No. Hell no. Was it worth it? A resounding YES! YES! YES! Had I allowed the tragic events in my life to rule me, I would probably be dead right now. I was headed for suicide just as surely as summer follows spring. My mother has her own kind of death to deal with -- the death of her spirit. It's sad to watch and I don't know what to say to her... she's so possessive of her injuries... protecting them and nurturing them as one would a prized orchid. All she's managing to do, however, is to poison her very soul with the bitterness and unforgiveness.

I'll stop for now - there is, after all, work to be done. Just one closing thought... it is so difficult to watch people close to you struggle against things you know they can overcome... but there is no helping... I've found that it's a road one must travel alone until reaching the turnpike that leads to healing... that turnpike is the realization that you need help and the on-ramp is simply asking.