This week I turned 42. That's really all I have to say about that.
As I reflect on the events surrounding the big day, it strikes me more than anything that the person who should know me best, doesn't know me at all. For example, I always seem to receive the most un-me presents from "A". One year, I got a bike... another year I got a sattelite radio... another a television. This year, I got a gold-dipped rose. It's lovely, I suppose, in a gaudy sort of way... but I have absolutely no clue what I'm supposed to DO with it! I don't mean to sound ungrateful... I appreciate the thought... really, I do... but a gold-dipped rose?
We did go to a great new restaurant though... at least I thought it was great. I was thoroughly enjoying myself -- tasting the wine flights that were paired with my meal of slow roasted rotisserie chicken pulled from the bone and sautéed with artichoke hearts, kalamata olives, crimini mushrooms and fresh herbs, finished in a smoked tomato and balsamic vinegar reduction (oh, but I digress) -- when "A" proclaimed that the reason he likes the desert and sailing is because it's away from people -- it's quiet, peaceful and serene -- and restaurants like the one we were sitting in make him feel uncomfortable and drive him crazy. I LOVED the restaurant. I LOVED being in the midst of people having a good time -- talking, laughing and carrying on. I LOVED being right in the middle of LIFE! That's when it struck me -- like a Mack truck on a downhill incline -- this is just not going to work. That realization took the wind out of my sails... sapped my appetite for the scrumptious cheesecake flight I was about to order and turned my mood from a bubbly champagne to a brooding Bordeaux.
Things didn't improve much when we got home. We settled in to watch a movie -- which he slept through -- and although we had planned for him to spend the night, I woke up alone this morning. He crept out in the middle of the night... didn't leave a note or anything. Guess he was disappointed that he didn't get 'dessert' either. Sorry... guess that's TMI.
I don't know how to reconcile these differences. Even if we split our time 50/50 between solitude and society, one of us will always be out of our element and miserable. Frankly, neither being miserable nor being with someone who's miserable particularly appeals to me. THIS is what faces me upon turning 42.
4 comments:
Happy Belated Birthday!
Take it from Social Girl who spent eight years with Solitude Boy: It will never be natural. Always worrying about how unrelaxed he was ... or bored in his happies state ... we're much better now that we're just friends.
Happy birthday, too!
I can't believe it! I missed your birthday!
I can relate...My first H was a hermit...and while I'm not a social butterfly, I certainly LIKE being around new and interesting people, and I need just enough solitude to recharge my batteries enough to go out and do more "people stuff".
I hope you find your place in/out of this relationship, and if it means not trying anymore to fix your relationship, that's ok too. I think it's almost harder to end a second marriage in large part because of how we feel about ourselves after a divorce. But it doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do...I hope you find your peace wherever it is...
Hugs,
Jules
Happy belated. And I feel for you on the relationship-front. Although, even though a person largely gravitates towards one extreme (being social vs being an isolationist) I find that they DO swing towards the other end, albiet not as frequently. Such is the thing with extremes - there IS some element of balance in there, even if you're not seeing it at the moment.
I'm a true pendulum - go from one end to the other with regularity - so which is worse? knowing which end your s.o. favors, or having to gauge it every day? hmmm. maybe you should be feeling for me on MY relationship-front... har har.
again, happy belated. go ahead, celebrate all month!
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