Go, Leave...

I recently heard a song with the above title. While the lyrics don't exactly reflect my situation, the sentiment does. For a long while now, I've wanted "A" to leave... now I think it might be time for me to go.

This is the worst possible time to sell a house and split assets - but I feel as if I'm shriveling up inside. I'm tired of feeling better about myself everywhere but at home and now, the accusations are starting to fly. He thinks I'm cheating... HA... I don't have the time or the energy for that. Besides, if he knew me well, he would know it's not in my makeup... obviously, he doesn't know me well... in fact I would venture to say he doesn't know me at all.

Still, it hurts -- it stings -- when he lashes out this way (even when he "swears" he was kidding). Of course, in his mind, the entire failure of the marriage is that we don't have sex often enough... but he doesn't seem to understand that pointing that out just makes it less likely to happen. I almost feel like it's the only expectation he has in our marriage and everything he does or says is just a means to that end. I can't even begin to express how that affects me... me, the girl who was raped at 15... to feel that my entire worth to him is sexual. He doesn't get it...

I am so very tired tonight. My job is wearing me out and coming home has become a dreaded end to an exhausting week. Maybe I am cheating on him -- I'm cheating with my job -- stretching my stays just for the peace and quiet of a hotel room. God knows I don't even want to LOOK at another man.

Solitude... that is what I seek tonight.