Dreams of Flying

Last night I had the most magnificent dream. I dreampt that I went to see a faith healer or wise woman. She laid hands on me, rebuked me for my negative thoughts and the next thing I knew, I was flying around the room - experiencing sheer joy and blissful abandon. It was a wonderful dream.

I wonder if I wish for another tonight if the Universe would oblige?

It's too much...

I am in a personal crisis. I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the events that face me: selling the house (which includes a plethora of details - things that need to be fixed or cleaned or de-cluttered), buying a new one... oh yeah, and a divorce. Today, I can't stop the tears and I'm paralyzed by the sheer magnitude of the mountain in front of me.

The sad part is that I've spent so much time at work and with online communities that there's no one IRL that I can call.

What am I supposed to do now?

Boxers, to your corners...

Less than two hours after arriving home from a l - o - n - g week, we have gone to our separate corners: him to his office, me to mine. We made it through dinner, about 15 minutes of a violent, bloody movie (to which I put a stop) and about five minutes of the McNeil Lehrer hour before the fit hit the shan. He went on a tirade over some story about the middle class and I said, "I don't know why I even bother to come home" and walked away. He tried to coax me back, but the thought pouring through my mind tumbled from my lips: "No, I don't enjoy your company."

I guess that's that, huh?

Courage

This morning I'm reminded of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm stuck on the middle one this weekend. I know I need to have the talk, but instead, I'm burying myself in housework -- a legitimate endeavor -- but an act of avoidance in this instance. I'm not even sure what to say.

"It's been nice knowing you these past nine years, but I'm over it and I'm ready to move on."
"You know, I'm really a pretty sucky wife when you think about it -- you'd be better off without me!"
Or, I could sing "Big Girls Don't Cry" to him and see if he gets it.
But I guess the best thing would be straight-forward honesty: I'm really unhappy and I want a divorce.

I have so many fears surrounding the fall-out from this. You see, I'll be getting in my car tomorrow and heading out of town for the entire week -- again. I have no clue what I'd come home to or if my baby boy (or my house, car and money) would be here when I got back. Perhaps I should wait until I have more ducks in a row and for a time when I'll be here to manage the fall-out and protect my furry son from being whisked away and my assets from being ransacked and pillaged.

See, I've talked myself right out of having the talk. Instead, I'll continue to get the house ready to sell, continue to move and protect assets, and continue to plan my move.

Yeah, that's the ticket... stay tuned.

P.S. The House

Turns out my next door neighbor's good friend wants to buy the house and he's into renovating! Now I just have to get it clean enough to show. That'll take a small army!

Step 1.a.

A review of the finances, the cost of moving a 6'4" grand piano and the cost of a place that will do it justice have me revising the list a bit... I've now added to it, "Sell 1927 Steinway Heirloom Grand Piano" and I'm not happy about it.

Upside to selling the piano: paying off the note! LOL I wonder if that will allow me to afford the condo I REALLY want (which is about $150k more than my current budget). NOT!

I had a really nostaligic moment coming home on Friday: I was crossing the Chesapeake Bay and I teared up... this is always going to be home for me... even when it isn't any more.

Step One:

Make lists, make lots of lists, obsess about said lists, feel overwhelmed by lists, tear up lists and start over.

Step One: make ONE list of all of the lists you need to make... no... wait...
Step One: Determine the order of action required to sell the house... and put it on a list...

I am in list hell, but I'm making progress. So far, here's my list:

1. Decide whether to sell house as-is, or whether to make improvements.
2. If I decide to make improvements, do the following: Update kitchen, den and bathrooms, work on curb appeal (hell, that could take a YEAR!)
3. Rent a POD and clear out all of the extra "stuff" in the house, including "A" -- okay, so maybe I won't put HIM in the POD... but then again... (smile)
4. Put house on market
5. Put down money on FANTABULOUS condo overlooking the river and pray that the house sells before closing on the condo.
6. Wait
7. Oh yeah... and file for divorce. There's always that.