Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Morning After

Retrospect is a great thing. It helps us realize that each of us has tipping points and the intensity of our reactions may not be directly proportional to the tipping event - rather to the enormity of the "big picture."

For several months now, I have been holding the seams of my world together with fine-spun thread... last night, the thread broke. What's important for me to remember is that I did not break. This morning I woke up and began my day as I will begin many more to come. The earth did not tip off its axis, the sun did not stop shining... it just appears a little less bright to my weary eyes. I'm sure that a day will come in the not-too-distant future when I will look around me and see a beautiful day and the sun's rays will have returned to their former glory. That is what hope is all about.

Thanks to my friends for supporting me in the valley. I promise to invite you all to the mountaintop!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Pornography

Did that get any one's attention? In my previous life -- before most of you who know me knew me -- my ex-husband had an addiction to pornography -- and voyeurism -- and snuff films -- and couldn't decide which team he wanted to bat for. Today, after "A" took time out of his schedule to help me record a few classical pieces for the potential buyer for my piano, he was forced to go to the "movies" section of his I-Mac... what I saw there sent me into PTSD all over again... I have not been able to stop crying. I don't know why it bothers me -- after all, I AM divorcing him... but once again, I feel as if porn has replaced me... and it doesn't feel good. I can't even begin to articulate the reason for my tears... they just won't stop.