Step-Monster is a Two-Way Street

I'm sure that there are times when my defacto step-son does not like me and wishes I'd never come into his world. Yet, every once in a while, we have 'moments' where it seems that he actually likes and respects me. I thought we had made great strides -- until tonight when I got 100% teenage attitude and sass. Granted, I've only been a part of his life for five months, but in that time, I have gone out of my way to help him with school -- science project, senior project, English project... all out of my pocket and out of the goodness of my heart... and out of a genuine desire to see him do well.

When I was a teenager, I never understood my dad's 'melodrama' (my perception) of saying, "after everything I've done for you, this is the thanks I get..." Now I do. While I cannot imagine the hurt of having your own flesh and blood dismiss you and treat you with total disrespect, I can say that it didn't feel too great coming from my step-monster either. I wonder how the next 6 months will play out as he continues to flex his 'indepedence' muscles... and I wonder what the effect will be on my relationship with his dad.

Mother's Day

Here we are again - another Mother's Day. This is a day that typically sends me into a tailspin since, well, I'm NOT a mother. It is usually filled with wistful moments of 'what if' and 'my babies would have been 'x' years old this year'. The annversaries aren't as hard as they used to be -- in fact, one just passed completely unnoticed -- and I have to stop and really think now how old my 'eldest' would be (seven, by the way). This year seems easier than most. I am content with my life and happy with where I am - both physically and emotionally. No, this year, there doesn't seem to be quite as much 'sting' in the "Happy Mother's Day" greetings flying around and that's a good thing.

Conflicted

It's hard to believe that I have not visited these pages since before the big move. I have been on Oahu for just over four months now and the transition has been many things -- amazing, heart-breaking, wonderful, trying. Tears have been shed, first fight survived.

I am still working to determine and define my place in this new world: defacto step-mom, 'girlfriend', former successful something or other, musician wannabe. While my horoscope seems to presage great career success, I have not found its source and, at the moment, am about 60 days away from being flat broke.

I find myself in the position of having to decide whether to dive headlong into the pool of independent business owner - a daunting and expensive proposition which would have to be financed on credit - with the 'promise' of a salaried position in six months' time or to walk away from this 'opportunity' in search of something else entirely. The prospect of settling for a position that pays about one-third of what I made last year fills me with such a sense of failure and disappointment that I can scarcely contain the tears that seem to spring, unbidden, to my eyes. Still, I cannot imagine turning over my debt and the responsibility for my upkeep to another person. J has been most gracious, sweet and adorable in his offers to take care of me... why is it that I cannot accept? Why is it that I am beginning to dread each day as it stretches out before me without meaning or purpose and why am I unable to muster even the gratitude and joy for the gift of love I've been given.

I have just undertaken the journey of 'life is a verb' by Patti Digh... 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally... perhaps it will help me gain the clarity I so desperately seek.