Roller-Coasters

I've been engaged in an internal dialogue these past few months around what I want to do with the rest of my life and what I really believe.  It's been an interesting dialogue, but one without any real conclusions.  After over a year in the job market here in Hawaii, I basically 'gave up' and went back to my financial consulting career -- kicking and screaming -- but feeling as if I needed to be making SOME contribution to the household.  Since then, I've been miserable with a capital M.

The misery has not been without its benefit though, as it has flung me head-long into the 'what do I believe' inquiry.  Life, interestingly, pointed me to a documentary called, "Why I am No Longer a Christian".  The first half of this video could have been lifted directly from my life story - including the questioning of the inerrant nature of scripture, the Old Testament God vs. the New Testament God vis-à-vis human sacrifice, murder, genocide, etc. and the punishment of hell for all non-Christians. The documentary goes on to discuss the realization that intercessory prayer is futile in the face of an omnipotent, omniscient god.  I've wrestled with all of these concepts for my entire spiritual life.  The documentarian has carried his inquiry to the gates of atheism, but I'm not prepared to go that far.  I'm not convinced that evolution is the final answer, nor am I convinced that the Big Bang created a universe as diverse and complex as ours... so I have paused in the garden of pantheism for the time being.

This still leaves me wondering what would make me want to get out of bed every morning with something other than a sense of dread for the next 20 or so years.  Not one single answer comes without strings.  One thing I have always thought I would be good at is counseling... back to school I'd go for that one.  It would be meaningful and challenging, but would not come with a 9 - 5 time clock.  Teaching is another area in which I think I could excel - but here in Hawaii, that is a precarious and ill-paying prospect.  Perhaps the question comes down to where am I willing to compromise?  Am I willing to trade time away from my husband for professional fulfillment? I don't think that would be good for our marriage.  Am I willing to suck up my pride and live as a "kept woman" for the time it takes to go back to school to become certified in a new field?  Maybe.  If only our financial footing weren't so precarious.

Some days I feel as if I've navigated an entire roller-coaster's worth of thoughts and options and decisions only to find at the end of the day, as with all roller-coasters, I'm right back where I started.