After over a year of separation, I decided that it was time to have the conversation with Mr. Small about ending our marriage. I found myself thinking that I couldn't truly move on and even consider another relationship until I had closure with him.
I thought it was going to be easy. I had my words carefully picked. The reality was far removed from the calm, quiet resignation I imagined.
Of course, his first question was, "is there someone else?" For the first time ever, the answer to that was not so clear-cut. There really isn't someone else - but there is, for the first time, the possibility of someone else.
For the first time, he admitted to me his loathing of life, his thoughts of suicide and the utter abandonment he feels. There was a time in my life where I would have thought it my responsibility -- my duty -- to fix those feelings, to nurture and coddle and assure. Instead, I told him that I, too, have felt those emotions and that the answer to those feelings will not be found in anything exterior to himself - that he has to search within.
We talked for several hours about why and how and when this all happened. He once again asserted that winning the lottery would fix it all. When we were done talking, there was such a sense of sadness. I couldn't help but feel that if only I could have loved him enough that things would have worked... but I know that is not true - because the one person who needs to love him in order for him to be happy will likely never do so. I pray, though, that one day he may find inner peace and the joy that comes from being at one with your Source.
I wept for hours last night... my eyes still showing the signs of the "ugly cry" this morning - swollen, puffy and red. I wept for what could have been, I wept for the sweetness of his unconditional love for me and for my inability to love that way in return. I wept for the depth of his despair and for the little boy who's crying out to be loved and held and not sent away -- and I wept for sending him away once again.
It's time to say goodbye, my love. May you one day find peace.
2 comments:
((Hugs)) Lauren. Boy howdy, you know I've walked in those shoes, and I know how hard it is.
I'll never forget the night I cried and cried, realizing my marriage was a mess...and realizing that I had to choose between MY happiness and HIS, because the two were mutually exclusive. A terrifying but liberating cry in the wilderness, as I knew my life would begin again anew.
I hope for your happiness to emerge, as it has blossomed in the past year. I wish for peace for him too.
Big hugs,
Jules
what jules said. ditto.
there is so much pain in separating, parting, walking away. But it isn't failure, it's a sign of needed growth. For both of you. NOT parting would likely keep things where they are, and not let you each be who you can, and will, become.
Sounds easy to say, but I do remember how hard it was (and at times, still IS).
Happy holidays, and may you both find peace with your paths. May we all.
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