Pragmatism, Doubt and Hope

Since sharing my new love with friends and family I've been struck by the assortment of reactions I've received. They've ranged from incredulity to elation. What surprises me most is that the people I thought would be happiest for me -- the ones who've watched me wallow in the pits of miry clay, who've seen the tears, witnessed the disappointment and finally the resignation -- have nothing but warnings and doubts.

The past ten... no, make that fifteen years of my life have been filled with betrayal, disappointment, deception and despair. Why then, when happiness finally comes my way, must the nay-sayers try to steal that from me? I want to think that they have my best interest at heart, but part of me wonders... especially about my mother... Somehow, I think that nothing I ever do will be good enough for her. Damn - I'm 44 years old and still she can get to me with the tone of voice, the "well, you know, you never... or you always..." Sorry, mom. You don't get to steal THIS joy.

On the flip side, I have a dear friend who is as giddy as a school girl for me. As for me... I have hope for the first time in a long time... hope that love really does exist... hope that someone will love me... just little old me... just as I am... hope that it CAN be forever... hope - no, BELIEF, that I have finally found what's been missing in my life... who's been missing from my life... My love, my heart...

Sunrise

We talked until the sun came up.
Hearing your voice made the miles disappear and almost... almost made it seem as if you were near enough to touch...
Your laughter, your tears moved me beyond words
Just five more days, my love... and we will watch the sunrise together.

Joy Unspeakable...

and full of glory...

This scripture from First Peter speaks of love and belief... love and belief born of faith... sight unseen. I have always loved this scripture and the way it describes pure joy... I believe there is some of this kind of joy to be had on earth, for God gives good gifts to his children.

The Secret Room...

There has been a secret room in my heart since the day that my innocent view of love was destroyed. In that room, I kept my insecurities, my vulnerabilities and hid the scars and bruises of abuse and rejection. For years, I have kept the Secret Room locked... I've peeked through the keyhole from time to time, to make sure everything was safe and sound in there, but left its contents undisturbed, save to toss in a new hurt from time to time. I have always maintained the "Keep Out" sign on the door to that room and, while I have loved, I have not done so completely and while I have been loved, I have not fully given myself to that love.

Two weeks ago, that all began to change. God, sensing that the Secret Room was ready to be emptied, sent a dear, sweet man back into my life. This man has loved me since we were children and gave himself to me some twenty-five years ago -- shortly after the Secret Room came into being. When I looked at him then, I saw pure adoration in his eyes -- a love I did not feel I deserved -- and I pushed him away. I thought that surely if he saw all of the things locked away in that room, his eyes would turn cold and I couldn't bear that thought.

I now find myself standing at the door to the Secret Room -- key in hand -- nervous, yet knowing at the very core of who I am that this room no longer serves a purpose. I find myself wishing... longing... to stand before this man - exposed - unashamed - because I know and trust that each bruise will disappear, each scar will be kissed away and each insecurity will be erased with the strength of his love for me. I pray only that I can love him with the same unconditional love he has shown me... always.

Bid time to hasten you to my arms...

... I love Elizabethan prose... especially when it's addressed to me!!!!!

CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!

Vacation Countdown Clock Generator

What if...

What if I hadn't broken your heart all those years ago...
What if we had married -- me, broken and wounded -- you, fiercely loyal and in love...
Would we have survived? Would there have been a bigger heart-break down the road?
As I look back on my past and as you take me on the journey through yours, it seems as if the Universe has conspired to create this perfect moment in which we find ourselves today. We have grown, we have suffered losses and we have been through the valleys - each on our own, but still in the secret places of our hearts we have carried the torch of the sweet, loving moment in time that we shared some twenty-five years ago.

While experience has both of us questioning the sanity of it all, our hearts are crying out with longing for the other... and not for the memories of the past, but for the possibilities of the future. What if we were to choose this time in life to be confined by propriety and stifled by fear? Would we squander this perfect gift that has been laid before us?

What if, instead, we surrender ourselves to the joy of love and run headlong into each others arms... What if we just say 'yes' to happiness?

Five hour conversation...

wow. Must sleep now... perchance to dream...

Come Away With Me...

Norah Jones' song has taken on new meaning... August 21st... weekend rendezvous ... many, many more 3 am conversations to come between now and then.