Blue

Do you ever have days when you just feel blue? When there's nothing particularly wrong... but nothing particularly right either... I have two offers of things to do this evening -- attending a concert (in which I SHOULD be singing, but couldn't bring myself to make the rehearsals) or going to dinner and a movie with a friend. Neither one sounds appealing to me at the moment.

There are days when I wish I could be a dog... sleep, eat and chase a few balls (okay, that sounds a bit risque)... no worries about mortgages or sales goals or surgery or pain... nothing whatsoever to think about but 'where's my favorite chew toy?'

I am really, really hating being without a partner in life right now... with a partner, the weight wouldn't be so heavy... a bad month wouldn't put me in the humiliating position of borrowing money from my mom or force me to choose between physical therapy and groceries.

(whine, whine, whine... how fricking pathetic)

Helpless

Just this past Wednesday, I was pain free. I was hesitant to tell my physical therapist that for fear of jinxing the whole thing and, lo and behold, within 72 hours of making the statement, I'm back where I was before the last batch of steroids.

The hardest part of having a herniated disc that's not causing constant pain is that you forget you have it and you start to do things you shouldn't - like picking up items that weigh more than a pound, or twisting and turning your torso. I spent three hours yesterday, with the help of my mother and my ex, organizing my office. The ex met me at the office supply store and carried my purchases to the office. He then put together the literature sorter for my 50 or so product brochures. All I did was sort papers and put them in the proper slots. My mom did all of the bending over and lifting of small boxes of brochures.

It is so incredibly frustrating to feel that you can't do anything! If I drop something, it has to stay where it falls. If my trash can is full, I have to call my dad to empty it. I can't even carry a load of laundry to the washing machine by myself or bend over to take the clothes out of the dryer when they're done. What's worse is that, with heat indices of over 100 degrees, I can't wear shorts or skirts in public because I can't bend over to shave my legs!!!

Feeling helpless is not something that sits well with me. It makes me angry... the kind of angry that makes me cry... which just makes me MORE angry. On days like today, when the pain is radiating into my hips and shooting down my legs and I can't sit down (thank goodness for wireless keyboards) and I can't bear weight on my spine for more than a few minutes at a time and I look around me and see all that needs to be done, all I CAN do is take my meds and sleep. Thankfully, that turns off my brain - if only for a while - and keeps me from feeling helpless. If only I could sleep until it's all better...

The Boy Who Broke-Up with Me

My sophomore year in high school was probably one of my worst years ever. My boyfriend from the previous year had graduated and my parents had forbidden me to see him. I had to have my wisdom teeth removed and my deviated septum repaired and then I got mono and was out of school for an entire 9 weeks. Once I recovered, I spent most of my time at home, reading and playing the piano, but even so, I got accused of sleeping with practically every boy in school and myriad other offenses for which I was SO not guilty.

I only dated a couple of boys -- very briefly -- and I always broke up with them... with one exception. His name was Jimmy and he was the first boy in my school to have an earring and long hair. Everyone thought he was wild, but he wasn't. He didn't drink, didn't smoke, didn't do drugs, went to school every day, loved his mother, was thrify, loyal, brave and did not believe in pre-marital sex. I was smitten with him... but since he didn't believe in pre-marital sex, he also didn't want to do anything that might lead there. After one particularly steamy goodnight kiss, he broke up with me... supposedly because I was "getting too serious."

After graduation, he went on to become a police officer in our city - working vice for a while and eventually moving over to a uniformed job. My brother has seen him on occasion, as they both work for the city, and he always asks about me. The last time they ran into each other, Jimmy was newly divorced.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, as I was walking Caleb, a guy jogged by my house, with a woman riding a bicycle along side of him. I heard him say to her, "I think I went to school with her - I think that's Lauren." She yelled, "Are you Lauren?" and I replied, "yes" but they were too far away for me to ask who he was. Then, this morning as I was taking my pup out for his potty break, the same guy came jogging by my house and said, "good morning, Lauren." I said good morning and rifled through the file drawers in my brain trying to place him. It wasn't until he was out of ear-shot that it hit me... it was JIMMY! The hair's not long any more, he's BUFF AS HELL, and he's jogging down my street again! I made a mental note of the time and informed the pup that his new morning potty break will be promptly at 6:50 am from now on!

I wonder if he's over that "no pre-marital sex" thing yet? Inquiring minds need to know!

What I Want in a Man

Thanks to Jack, over at Sixteen Shades of Grey, I've found myself thinking about what I would want in a partner, if I ever decided to date again. Interestingly, my list looks very similar to Jack's... with a few exceptions and in a slightly different order:

-Loves me
-Affectionate
-Spiritual (NOT religious or narrow-minded)
-Intelligent/well read/well educated
-Good conversationalist
-Good sense of humour
-Well groomed (I'm not hung up on looks so much as just taking care with your appearance)
-Secure and confident
-Loves music and theatre
-Good listener
-Loyal
-Honest
-Romantic
-Nice smile
-Likes to go to new restaurants, movies, shows, museums
-Gets along well with my friends and family
-Considerate
-Generous
-Creative
-Understanding
-Open
-Good kisser (well, maybe that belongs higher up on the list! LOL)

So, what do you think? Does this man exist?

A Condo for Me

For the past eight months, I've been operating under the premise that I would sell my house next Fall and move into a condominium. There is some work that needs to be done to my house in order to get top dollar for it -- it is in need of some serious landscaping, the 1960's bathroom fixtures need to be replaced and the kitchen needs to be renovated. I was fairly content with my plan, until my mom mentioned that I could just hire a lawn service for the same price as a condo fee, upgrade the house to suit my fancy and just stay put (which just happens to be about 25 steps from their front door).

The concept has bugged me... simmered in my brain... made me question myself... made me wonder at her motives... made me wonder at mine. It's been disturbing... it's made me cranky... and as I write this today, I realize that I've had enough! For once in my life, I'm going to do what I want to do -- on my timeline and on my terms. I'm going to hire a contractor to do the bathrooms and kitchen -- hire a landscaper to do the yard and put up the fence and then I'M GOING TO MOVE AWAY FROM MY MOTHER!!! Don't you think 41 is plenty old to be out on my own!?!

We have the most complex relationship on the planet. I love my mother dearly. I consider her a good friend and a staunch supporter. Yet there's this thing between us that I can't quite define. Often, I feel like I'm suffocating and I just want to get as far away from her as I can. Then, something will happen in my life and she's the first person I want to call. I'm struggling with the church thing right now. I had been thinking of joining one of the small groups -- I talked to the host family and planned to start going in the Fall. Then, mom decided she wanted to go to that small group also and I felt violated... I wanted to have something that was just mine. I've found myself avoiding church all together... avoiding choir practice. Geeze-o-pete, I just need to get a life! (preferably one that doesn't involve my mother at every single turn) As Kahlil Gibran said, "let there be spaces in your togetherness"

I think I need more space and less togetherness. A condo it is!

When the Three-Way Mirror Becomes Your Friend

I never thought it would happen... truly, I didn't... but today, I actually stood in front of one of the dreaded department store mirrors and LIKED what I saw. Over the course of the last few years, I have lost 32 pounds and I am finally able to wear sizes that don't also appear in the Women's Department! I bought two new suits that don't look like gunny sacks or moo-moos! I actually looked like a professional business woman who's only 41, instead of like a fat, old frump!

I've also embarked upon a purging of the closets... tossing sizes with W behind them into a heap and gathering up everything with numbers that mark life events -- like driving, voting and buying beer!

What a glorious day indeed, when the mirror becomes your friend once again and what a startling sight to behold -- a closet with just two suits!