Facing Forty

Today is my fortieth birthday. Today is the official end of my TTC journey (we called it quits after my miscarriage in July - but forty was always my self-imposed cut-off). It seems that Mother Nature wanted to toy with me one last time before the big day, so for the past five days I have been spotting. My period was due on Saturday and by Monday, she was still a no-show... so I took a test... it was positive, although weakly so. Rather than bore you with all of the panty-liner checks and progesterone suppository details, I'll simply cut to the chase -- today is the first day of my first cycle of my fortieth year. Yep - you guessed it -- another loss.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would face forty as a childless woman. Never did I think that I would face forty without ever having experienced morning sickness or stretch marks or lamazze classes... breast feeding, colic or diaper rash. Never did I imagine that I would go through my life without hearing the sweet word "mommy" addressed to me... never did I imagine facing forty as I'm facing it today.

Quite frankly, it sucks... in a major way... and try as I might, I simply cannot find it in me to celebrate this day. Today, I'm facing forty and the tears just won't stop.