When I was a child, I used to wish I could close my eyes and disappear. I don't know why, exactly, I just remember staring up at the ceiling in my bed at night wishing I could do that. Maybe it was the nights my dad was in a rage, or the nights when I'd forgotten to bring home my homework for the next day -- the days I was feeling vulnerable or less-than-perfect, as I was expected to be.
Even now, I find myself wishing the same thing -- that I could just close my eyes and disappear -- no drama, no death or funeral -- just "poof" -- gone. No more worries, no more stress, no more disappointments or obligations. No matter how many times I practice -- eyes closed tightly, full concentration, no distractions -- I wake up the next morning and realize that I'm still here. None of the problems are solved, none of the bills paid or stresses alleviated... I really wish I could figure out the secret to this disappearing thing... really, I do. It would make life so much easier if I just didn't have to be in it.
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