Several years ago, I decided to write a musical about my life -- about the abuse, the recovery, the lessons learned, the joy and the sorrow. After finishing nearly half of the play, I had a sense that it might have some merit, so I made contact with some of the screen writers I worked with at the Family Channel back in the early 90's to see if any of them would be willing to give it a read. The couple I sent it to agreed to read it and they responded that I should really forward it to a former boyfriend of mine who was actively involved in musical theatre on the professional level in LA.
Reluctantly, I sent Kevin the play. He answered my e-mail (which I found astonishing) and agreed to read it -- but said it could take a while. For several months, I remained excited about the possiblity of hearing from him -- even though there was a scene in the play that dealt with our relationship and my reasons for ending it -- but I never heard anything and so, being my usual defeatist self, I let the whole thing go and decided that it must have been a stinking heap of dung and, therefore, unworthy of a response.
Recently, I revisited my work and read through it all -- it made me curious to see what Kevin had been up to -- so I visited his web site (which I had avoided for the two years since I sent him my play). I found out that he is now the co-executive producer for a very hot television show, has since married and is living the life I always wanted to live -- the life I once envisioned living with him.
I'm not jealous, mind you... I AM a bit wistful for what could have been... but more than that, I'm sad... I'm sad that I'm 40 years old and never had the courage to do the things that I truly loved. Whatever the reason, be it fear of failure, fear of rejection, lack of ambition or proper motivation, I have simply never been able to step out on faith and TRY to earn my living being what I want to be -- a performer. Instead, I have settled for safe alternatives... or just plain safe choices, because they certainly haven't been viable ALTERNATIVES to being a part of a creative and artistic community.
However melodramatic it may sound, at that moment I just wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. There's a part of me that tried to say, "well, if he can achieve his dream, so can I", but this was immediately followed by, "yeah, but he never gave UP on his dream and you tossed in the towel years ago."
How did this happen to me? I know there's a whole scene in my play about the role my mother played in deterring me from going to New York when I was in my early 20's and the role the abusive relationships from my past played in keeping me from going to LA with Kevin... but why couldn't I rise ABOVE those things? I watch stories of great courage and of people overcoming great odds to achieve their dreams and I think, "why couldn't I be like that?" Why do I always run away or talk myself out of every wonderful opporunity I've ever had. Geeze... maybe I need some indepth therapy or something. This is just pathetic!
One thing I can tell you: regret is a bitter pill, my friends... it rises in the back of your throat and threatens to choke you... it burns at your soul and eats away at your spirit. Regret is a dogged and indefatiguable enemy and I have yet to discover the antidote... or even a palliative treatment. I fear that this act of my play may well rival a Wagnerian opera.
Kevin Murphy Desperate Housewives
1 comment:
((((((((((Hugs))))))))) You are so right about regret. I came to a point in my life where I had to "put up or shut up" so to speak. I quit my great paying job, sold my house and car and went to grad school, left for school without debt but also without a job. I just did it. And I am so NOT one of those people who it seems can rise above. I see myself as "digging through", dirty nails for proof, in order to find my purpose in life.
And I say you aren't too old. Yeah maybe the choices you have made have brought you HERE, but in the last months you have made some amazingly daring and courageous choices where your present career is concerned. Are there other ways to express your artistic desires? You may not be famous because of it but you might make a difference...community theater, maybe for kids who have fewer opportunities for such things. Or writing...what about turning your musical into a novel??? I don't know... I just don't want that bitter pill to be the last thing you taste. I am living testimony to the fact that things don't always turn out how you think they will... sometimes it's better. ((((hugs)))) of encouragement to you my friend.
I have to say that because of your career move in the last months, I have been inspired to get creative on how I do what I do, look outside the box... thanks for being here...
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