Helpless

Just this past Wednesday, I was pain free. I was hesitant to tell my physical therapist that for fear of jinxing the whole thing and, lo and behold, within 72 hours of making the statement, I'm back where I was before the last batch of steroids.

The hardest part of having a herniated disc that's not causing constant pain is that you forget you have it and you start to do things you shouldn't - like picking up items that weigh more than a pound, or twisting and turning your torso. I spent three hours yesterday, with the help of my mother and my ex, organizing my office. The ex met me at the office supply store and carried my purchases to the office. He then put together the literature sorter for my 50 or so product brochures. All I did was sort papers and put them in the proper slots. My mom did all of the bending over and lifting of small boxes of brochures.

It is so incredibly frustrating to feel that you can't do anything! If I drop something, it has to stay where it falls. If my trash can is full, I have to call my dad to empty it. I can't even carry a load of laundry to the washing machine by myself or bend over to take the clothes out of the dryer when they're done. What's worse is that, with heat indices of over 100 degrees, I can't wear shorts or skirts in public because I can't bend over to shave my legs!!!

Feeling helpless is not something that sits well with me. It makes me angry... the kind of angry that makes me cry... which just makes me MORE angry. On days like today, when the pain is radiating into my hips and shooting down my legs and I can't sit down (thank goodness for wireless keyboards) and I can't bear weight on my spine for more than a few minutes at a time and I look around me and see all that needs to be done, all I CAN do is take my meds and sleep. Thankfully, that turns off my brain - if only for a while - and keeps me from feeling helpless. If only I could sleep until it's all better...