The Diva is BACK!

So, (damn, I sure start a lot of posts with that word... maybe I need to expand the vocabulary a bit)...

Take Two: Well, my faithful readers, tonight the Diva was in the house! We did a run-through of the show and, despite my unrest with my location and partner on the Irving Berlin medley, it seems I'm pretty much center stage for the rest of the show... it's almost embarrassing... okay, not really... I'm just trying to summon a shred of modesty.

It seems that the industrial strength bra I purchased today alleviated most of the bouncing booby problem (sorry to disappoint, Jack! LOL) and I even got some additional (special - just for me) choreography. Did I mention that I love to perform... yeah, I thought it might have come up a time or two.

Anyhooo... It's late and I'm exhausted... but it's a good kind of exhausted. This... THIS I could do every day... they wouldn't even have to pay me. Oh, to be a 40's Torch Singer...

The Curse of the Big Boobies

Oh, for the days of wearing Danskin leotards sans brassiere... they're long gone, I fear. Now, I'm strapped with 38DD honkers that just won't be still. I walk - they jiggle, I bounce - they bounce, I dance, they... well... they blacken my eyes if I'm not careful. I hate having big boobs... I didn't used to have them and one would have thought that my weight loss of over 20 pounds would have reduced their volume... but no such luck... my legs are skinny, my face is thin... but my boobs remain... only now more prominent because the belly beneath them has disappeared.

I just spent the last half hour standing in front of my mirror trying on every bra in my bureau and then jumping up and down (surely that would have made a great entry for America's Funniest Home Videos). The only one that even remotely tames them also causes the dreaded Uni-Boob phenomenon... one giant boob right in front. It's NOT attractive.

So, it's off to Sears tomorrow to see the bra fitter. I'm thinking perhaps cast iron or brass... If it worked for Brunhilda, surely it will work for me!!!

Broadway it Ain't!

Rehearsals for the upcoming cabaret are in full swing. I was feeling great about our group's sound -- we have a wonderful blend. We even have some nice solos. Well, tonight that all vanished -- poof -- went up in smoke. You see, tonight, we started adding choreography.

Now, that's no problem for me -- I was born dancing -- but for the vast majority of our ensemble, it's a MAJOR problem. You know the type: two left feet, rhythmically challenged, white men can't dance (or is it jump?). I ask you, if great dancers make bad ideas look good, what happens when you have awful dancers and mediocre ideas??? EEEGADS!!!

What ever made these people think that 60+ year old men and women should try to execute a uniform sway, or worse yet, do "Fosse"? And who, pray tell, EVER decided that I (one of the FEW who can walk and chew gum at the same time) should be coupled with an old man who has neither rhythm nor melody in his frail old frame and positioned at the farther-most point away from center stage? Who, I ask?

Ah... well, at least I have my solos.... and, well, we'll always have Paris.

(sigh)

A Brand New Day

Ah, what a difference a day makes. Last evening, my ex came over and brought me a brand-spanking new TV... told me "Happy Birthday -- a little early". Then, today, Wally-World (aka Wal-Mart) was having a sale on their camping air mattresses. I got a new one with a memory foam topper and a new pump for under $50. So, my Universe is a happier place today.

Now, for some Random Bullets of Crap:

• My back yard looks like the Thousand Islands - I still haven't been able to get it leveled and aerated enough to absorb the rainfall. I'll get there, though. Did I post about the butt-hole who came over to "re-grade" it for me and all he ended up doing was scraping off all of my top soil and packing down a bunch of clay? I swear I could have hosted Wimbledon back there. It may still take weeks to get it fixed and get some grass planted.
• I had another appointment cancel this morning. I don't know what it is with people. About 50 percent either don't show up for their appointments or cancel at the last minute. How inconsiderate! Anyway... I'm shooting for 100% of my remaining appointments for the week. I INTEND to meet with ALL of them... and I INTEND to meet my sales goal for the second quarter!
• So... Aras is the newest Survivor. Should have been Terry. Nuff said.

That's all from me for today. Make the day count!

Blue Funk

Happy @#%&* Mother's Day. NOT!

Warning: this is a pissy, pitty party of a post. Read at your own risk.

So... the tv's dead, my sales are in the toilet and now my $%&*)$ air mattress has a leak. By three o'clock this morning, my butt was hitting the box spring. I have neither the patience nor the money to purchase a new television or a new mattress and I'm pretty pissed off at the whole universe right now. I know this isn't the right way of thinking about things... I know that we attract into our lives those things on which we place our attention... but damned if I can remember contemplating not having a tv to watch or a bed to sleep on or even money to pay my bills.

Add to it all the fact that today is Mother's Day and everyone keeps wishing me Happy Mother's Day... thanks for the reminder of the one thing I'll NEVER be! Even today's scripture readings were like a kick in the gut: Blessed is the woman whose children and grandchildren praise her. Guess I'm in the "unblessed" line. Lovely.

Life Without

Yes, can I have my life without television, please? I don't remember asking for it, but that's what I've gotten this morning. I turned on CNN, as is my morning habit, and all of a sudden Tony Harris' face starts to distort... then the screen starts rolling... it fades to gray and then with a flash, the set goes black. My faithful Zenith has left me... bereft and floundering in a season finale frenzy.

My mind races... Sunday night is the season finale of West Wing AND Survivor... Shit! And what will happen with Dr. Brown and his neighbor on Everwood? And then there's American Idol (okay, I fell off the boycott wagon... so sue me!) Of course, now that Chris has gone bye-bye, I really don't care who wins that... as long as it's not Taylor! And the FINAL episode of Will & Grace...

So, after two months of abysmal sales, I start to calculate: maybe the mortgage company won't NOTICE if I skip a month... and if I use my AMEX to pay my Visa bill and my Discover to pay my AMEX and my Visa to pay my Discover, maybe I can afford to buy a new set! Not likely.

So, I'm left with the option of either sucking up to my friends and family who watch the same shows, or bar hopping until I find a friendly bartender who'll give me the remote! The sad thing is, this has made it abundantly apparent that this self-professed NON-TV addicted soul is in far deeper trouble than she ever imagined... it's an old song, with a new twist: I want my HDTV!

Happiness is...

As I prepare to leave town for a few days for a conference, the thoughts of leaving my puppy who worships the ground I walk on just breaks my heart. I've grown accustomed to him snuggling up to me every time I sit down... to his puppy kisses and his care-free, jubilant style of play. I often think that if I were half as joyful about my life as Caleb is about his that I would be the happiest person on earth. All he needs is a little food, a good chew toy and an occasional belly rub and he's so happy his entire body wags.

I'm reminded of the story of a frail elderly lady who, after losing her dear husband, was being admitted to a nursing home. As she was being led to her new room, her attendant was describing it for her. She exclaimed, "oh, I LOVE it!" The attendant said, "but you haven't even seen it yet!" Her response, "Oh, I don't need to see it to know that I love it. You see, happiness is something you decide on ahead of time."

Today, I have decided to be happy.