I've often heard people say that you get what you deserve... but who decides what you deserve? Do we decide it and then create a life that only allows those things we think we deserve? Is there some great cosmic list of deservedness? I'm curious to know!
On one level, I think we sometimes create our own reality -- either through self-limiting thoughts or through self-destructive behaviors -- or at the other end of the spectrum, through positive reinforcement and purposefull actions. On quite another level, I wonder if there's something to the theory of predestination -- that some of us are just destined to be or do certain things.
I'm of two minds about it... and here's why I've been thinking about it so much: I'm about to embark on a new career with a Fortune 500 Company and I find myself thinking defeatist thoughts -- "who do I think I'm kidding -- this is a Fortune 500 company... I don't have what it takes to make it here... these people are amazing and I'm just... well, I'm just me" or "how in the world will I ever face my friends and family if I fail at this?" Why can't I be thinking, "man, I'm going to spend my first million like this..." or "I can't wait until they turn me loose so I can break all of their sales records." What is it about my wiring that seems to short circuit in the face of success? My mom made an interesting assertion the other night... one of the more salient points in our otherwise frustrating conversation... she said that she didn't think I felt that I DESERVED to succeed. When I add this statement from the woman who bore me to the thoughts outlined above, I have to say that it seems a likely answer.
Now, if I can just figure out WHY! I mean, I'm smart enough, I'm not UGLY (although I could stand to lose 25 pounds), I know that I am capable of the tasks required, people like and trust me... why am I planning for my failure rather than for my success? Why is it that I sat here this morning, seriously considering taking a week's vacation to go to the career school rather than just resign my job and start fresh and new? What's wrong with me? Does it have to do with feeling like I don't DESERVE to be happy, or successful or accomplished? I mean, I certainly have my share of dirty laundry from my younger days and I've made my share of mistakes... I have to wonder if this is the same wiring fault that caused me to give up on trying to have a child because I felt as if it would never happen to me... did I self-determine my childlessness? Did I somehow feel that I didn't deserve to be a mother?
Flip-side: did the woman who invented the story of seeing a baby thrown from a moving vehicle DESERVE to have a baby? Does anyone TRULY get what they DESERVE in this life, or for that matter, do people always deserve what they get? Is this whole concept merely a contrived mind-control technique to get people to "behave" properly? I'm not certain... but I DO know that this realization is a giant step in the right direction for me.
2 comments:
I don't believe people get what they deserve. At least not all the time. I just don't see it.
That being said, in my own life I have come to realize that the words I speak have a way of being fulfilled. I have become extremely cautious about what I say about myself or my circumstances. I try to speak only positive things out loud -- because I have watched over the past few years, and nearly everything I have actually *spoken* about has happened. Why? I don't know, but I DO believe it is very important.
My DH, on the other hand, does not agree, and says the worst things sometimes. It annoys me to no end, but then again, no two people are totally alike, are they?
Lauren, you are one of the most wonderful, talented, smart, articulate people I know, and I have EVERY confidence that you will take the company by storm and rise straight to the top. Cream *always* rises to the top.
Big (((HUGS))). Change is ALWAYS stressful -- even change for the better.
Exactly what G said! I'm really enjoying your writing Lauren...it's very thoughtful and thought provoking. After I read your entries...I'm always thinking....
You are going to be WONDERFUL at your new job. If you need any ideas on how to spend your 1st million, I'm sure we can come up with some ideas!
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