If I Had My Time to Go Over Again

For years, I have said that if I had my time to go over again, I wouldn't change a thing because my life experiences have made me who I am today - but sitting here in the gloomy mist of this Sunday morning (gray, rainy days always seem to bring about wistful thinking for me), I find myself wondering...

What if I hadn't lost my virginity at such an early age -- and what if it hadn't been with a boy from the "wrong side of the tracks" with whom a life-long relationship was highly unlikely, despite my immature imaginings?

What if I had said "no" to going out with that college freshman the summer after my sophomore year in high school? Surely avoiding that abusive relationship, which included rape, humiliation and complete "Sleeping With the Enemy" control of my life would have altered the outcome. Heck, I might even have stayed in high school that extra year -- instead I graduated early to be with him. Perhaps I would have been involved in some fun extracurricular activities, perhaps have gone to a "real" college and gotten a "real" degree. Instead, I descended into a deep dark pit of despair. To this day, no one knows all of the secrets of those years -- no one.

What if I had listened to my dear friend and stayed away from the "lighting guy" on that play?
What if I had listened to my heart and not gone through with the elopement?
What if I had gone to New York, or LA... what if?
What if I hadn't moved that piano? What, you might ask, does that have to do with anything? Well, moving that piano caused irreparable nerve damage courtesy of a severely herniated L-5, S1 disc that had to be removed in pieces because it had trapped a nerve bundle in a crevice in my vertebrae. I spent nearly a year in diapers and another two peeing through a straw.

Today, sitting here in this dreary house, with this miserable man in this miserable marriage I wonder... what if I'd never chatted with Cap'nRon or given him my phone number, or gone to Philly to meet him. What if, after that night in New York, I'd gone with my gut instinct that he was a raving alcoholic - that the behavior WASN'T an anomaly - and canceled the rest of the trip to Turkey to meet his parents. What if?

What if I had the courage to march into my living room right this minute and tell this parasite that I want a divorce -- regardless of the fact that I haven't the means to support myself at the moment? I almost pulled it off last night... but then fear once again gripped my soul. I'm not really sure what I'm afraid of... I've lived through so much, you'd think I would be undaunted by any challenge. I keep telling myself that it's the money... I don't have a reliable source of income at the moment and probably won't for another month or so... but my gut is telling me that as long as he is here, I will never have the fortitude and strength to succeed because he sucks the life right out of me.

What if I had learned as a child to trust my own instincts, to be independent, to stand up for myself, to refuse to be victimized, to be accountable for my own actions and to accept the consequences with grace and dignity? Mothers, teach your daughters these things... I beg of you.

All I know is that I don't want to be looking out this window on another rainy Sunday years from now wondering, 'what if?' Anyone have a good parasite removal remedy?