Goodbye 2005

I bid farewell to sorrow and loss
To pain and unhappiness
I say good riddance to unhealthy relationships
To a dead-end job and a dozen unwanted pounds

This has been a year of change
A year of difficult decisions
A year of endings and of new beginnings
It has seen the death of old dreams and the birth of new

I have struggled and fought -- argued and acquiesced
I have achieved and triumphed -- mediated and overcome
I have wallowed in self-pity yet, thankfully, not become consumed by it
I have seen the error of my ways and have resolved never to repeat them.

I have watched in horror as fellow countrymen’s lives were forever changed
I have wept for those in foreign lands
I have rejoiced at the birth of a new democracy
And mourned the cost

Despite all of its trials and tribulations,
2005 has been a year of growth and transformation
I have renewed my relationship with my Source and
I have been reminded of the value of friends, both far and near

I am thankful for 2005,
But I am not sad to see it pass.
I look forward to the New Year
And pray that peace will be found within its bounds.

Old People

I love old people. This realization was brought to the fore once again yesterday as I met with a retired couple -- he in his late 70's, her in her 60's. The husband was retired military -- a high ranking officer -- the wife emigrated from another country and worked on "secret projects" for the government. A simply delightful couple.

I sat for nearly an hour listening intently to their tales of world travel... exotic ports of call... the things they love. It was delightful to see the twinkle in his merry blue eyes as he spoke of his love for music... a love that has been quieted by the ravages of Parkinson's disease... to see the tender way she cares for him.

I love old people... and perhaps there's a calling in that. Perhaps as I start this new year, I'll find a place to volunteer -- to read or perhaps deliver meals. I love old people... and, as evidenced by the gallant kiss bestowed upon my hand as I departed their home, old people love me too.

Words Fail Me

So many times in my life I have sat before a blank sheet of paper or a blank computer screen with the intention of writing what I feel inside. It seems as if it should be a poem or a song... maybe a sad country song... or a blues number... but each time I start to write, it all falls apart. It starts to sound insipid, sickeningly banal... like emotional vomit.

I attempted it once again tonight. Once again, I failed. I ended up with a junior high rhyme that missed the depth of emotion by leagues. I'm going to try again... no rhyme, no reason, no verse or chorus... it may still be emotional vomit... but as my grandma always said, better out than in:

I'm disappointed with my life. There, I've finally said it. My life is so far from what I ever thought it would be that I don't even know how to live it most days. On so many levels, I'm not who or what I ever wanted to be. I know... boo-hoo... pull up your big girl panties and deal with it, right? But it's NOT all right. It's all wrong! In school, I was one of the brightest... most likely to succeed... Governor's School for the Gifted, pageant winner, highest IQ in the region, blah, blah, blah. I allowed myself to be victimized by a man and as a result threw all of that away... sloshing my way through a piss-ant college in a piss-ant town, washing down my dirty little secret with Segram's 7 and deadening my guilt with pain pills - seemed apropos. I hid from it, buried it, swallowed it, wallowed in it and it nearly killed me... but it didn't. Sometimes I wish it had.

Do you ever think about what you COULD have been? Do you ever kick yourself for all of the missed opportunities, the stupid choices, the downright INSANE turns you took in your life? I do. Sometimes, I reach a point of acceptance and think, "everything happens for a reason" and I'm okay with that for about a minute. I know in my heart that I SHOULD have been a musician/performer by trade... but here I sit, fat and forty and KNOWING there's no way that's going to happen now, save singing in a church choir or hanging out at karaoke bars. I had my opportunities. I threw them away.

I wanted to be a mother... I wanted daughters... I wanted to do ballet lessons and voice lessons, and cheering or field hockey or track... all the soccer mom stuff. I wanted to buy pretty little clothes and wear the badge of motherhood (otherwise known as spit-up) on my $100 dress. I tried, but my body failed me.

There was so much I wanted for my life and none of it has come to fruition. There are reasons -- some completely beyond my control -- but some days, like today, it just pisses me off and leaves me wondering -- what's the fucking point? Any monkey could do my job... there's no one who needs me... no one to carry on my name or my memory... I haven't made one iota of difference in this world and I just don't want to do this any more! Nothing matters... I keep trying to set goals, but they're just not important... money, trips, awards... they mean nothing to me because the things that mattered most are missing from my life.

I don't want anyone's pity. My own is more than I can bear. This just needed to be said. Maybe now I can move on.

This was NOT on my Christmas list...

but somehow, I ended up with strep-throat anyway. I feel as if an 18 wheeler ran over me and then backed up to do it again. Until the antibiotics kick in and I can actually SWALLOW again, I'm going to be scarce around here.

If I don't post before, Happy New Year everyone! May 2006 be a peaceful and blessed year.

To My Angel

Dear Little One,

It's Christmas Eve and, as usual, you are on my mind.
This would be your third Christmas and I wonder what we would be doing today.
I wonder if I would be wrapping cars and trucks and building blocks
Or if it would be dolls, a fairy princess and her castle

I wonder if you would have your father's beautiful curly black hair or my wispy blonde locks
Cat-like green eyes or deep brown
I wonder what it would be like to hear you call my name
I wonder... and my heart breaks once again.

Even though I never met you... never even heard your heartbeat I adored you
You were conceived in love and would have shared your great grandmother's birthday
You were so wanted and even now, after three years, I think of you and wonder "what if?"
Christmas rings hollow because you're not here and I stand with empty arms, longing for the baby I will never have.

Totally Non-PC Song Title Game

This was posted on a BB I frequent. I thought it would be fun to have everyone add their own versions. These are Christmas songs for the Psychologically Challenged (I know, it's not PC and I don't want any lectures about the seriousness of mental illness -- I have my own, thank you. This is JUST FOR FUN.) The original titles/lyrics are first, followed by mine in italics.

Schizophrenia

Do You Hear What I hear?
Angels I have heard on high!

Multiple Personality Disorder

We Three Kings Disoriented Are
I'm Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer, now Vixen...

Amnesia

I don't know if I'll be Home for Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me -- Gertrude, what was that thing called again?

Narcissistic

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
Joy to the World, that's what I am!

Manic

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

We need a little Christmas right this very minute!


Paranoid

Santa Claus is coming to Get Me
Come, they told me... uh-uh, uh-uh-uh!

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
One more time, that's four (one, two three, four) calling birds, three (one, two, three) french hens, two (one, two) turtle doves...

Agoraphobia

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
I'm Not Dashing Through the Snow in a One Horse Open Sleigh


Senile Dementia

Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles from My house in My Slippers and Robe
I wonder as I wander out under the sky...

Oppositional Defiant Disorder
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas, or I'm taking hostages!

Social Anxiety Disorder

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
Haul Out the Holly, Put up the tree before my Prozac wears off!

Update on the Great Snake Hunt

Success! I bagged the little sucker and he's currently tucked away in the secret hiding place awaiting Christmas morning. For those of you who wondered, here he is:

http://www.speedydog.net/prod_rcsnake.html

I don't see what all of the hoopla is about... he looks pretty cheesy if you ask me -- but this is ALL she's been talking about!

I'm nearly done with the shopping. One more thing to pick up for the parental units and a quick stop somewhere in the morning to pick up a gift for a near stranger. I HATE buying gifts for people I hardly know.

I'm still looking for an old fashioned set of metal jacks for one of my nieces. All I can find are the giant sized plastic ones and you can't play a REAL game of jacks with those. I've been to every dollar store and toy store in town and can't find the blinkin' things. Any ideas, peeps?

A Sneaky Snake Indeed

A snake and an eight year old girl... not typically something you'd think of as a good match, huh? Well, my niece has requested a remote control snake for Christmas and her Aunt Lauren has searched high and low for the sneaky devil. He's eluded me at every turn.

I heard he was in stock at the store in Greenbrier, so off I went. Sold out. They have three at the Norfolk store! No, they won't hold one for me -- it's first come, first served. Quick! Drive like a bat out of hell across town in lunch hour traffic... Sold out. Maybe they have them at Toys R Us. Phone calls yield no results. I could order one online from Florida and for a mere $24, it could be here by Christmas! The snake only costs $19... something's wrong with that picture.

So, today, I will drive to another city -- another COUNTY in search of the elusive snake. Pray that I find him, or I may have to resort to eating fruit from a forbidden tree or something! My baby girl simply MUST have her snake!

A Christmas Meme

Q: What is your favorite holiday movie?
A: The Little Drummer Boy. It’s an old animated Christmas story and I used to cry every year with the little lamb dies… and I was always so happy when the baby Jesus brought him back to life.
Q: What is your favorite holiday song (artist and title)?
A: White Christmas by Bing Crosby and a close second is The Best Gift by Barbra Streisand
Q: What is the best holiday gift you were ever given and why?
A: My grandmother’s wedding ring, which she had repaired and sized to fit me. It was special because she was still alive when I received it and that Christmas was the best ever.
Q: Do you have someone special to kiss at the stroke of midnight on New Years?
A: Although I doubt I'll be up that late, I suppose I could kiss a JRT named Caleb! LOL
Q: Name of your favorite reindeer?
A: I’m a big fan of Rudy… mostly because I ALWAYS root for the underdog!
Q: Favorite holiday food?
A: Smithfield ham biscuits
Q: Snow day-- Cuddle by the fire or Hand me a snowball?
A: Cuddle by the fire (with my puppy, I guess)
Q: What was your New Years resolution for this year and did you stick to it?
A: I resolved never to make New Years resolutions some 15 years ago and it’s one to which I have stuck like glue!
Q: Is there a Santa Claus?
A: Yes. He exists in the minds and imaginations of every child… and in the parents who carefully listen for every wish to make sure their little ones’ dreams come true.
Q: Present, or stocking stuffer?
A: I LOVE stocking stuffers because little things come in small packages and I LOVE small packages. They usually translate into jewelry! (and no wise cracks from the peanut gallery! It's Christmas, for heaven's sake!)

Do You See What I See?

SCENE: Ophthalmologist's office

Sitting in the big black chair, I began the yearly ritual of "E, A, G, D" All was well with the right eye. I read everything but the itsy-bitsy letters that no one over the age of 12 can read. But when she said, "cover your right eye" the scene changed dramatically.

The first group of numbers were a complete blur. I asked if there was something on the lens, as the entire middle of the display looked like a big gray blob. She added refraction and it just looked like a BIGGER gray blob. She kept impatiently asking, "is THIS better, or is THIS better?" I couldn't seem to get her to understand that none of it was better! Finally, she flipped to these GARGANTUAN letters and I said, "ah-ah! There's a B and a G" She said... what about the two in the middle. To which I replied, what two in the middle? At this point, she shifts gears and grabs a little card and shoves it in front of my face. She asks me to look at the little red dot and tell her what is looks like. I said, "it looks like a spider web of wavy lines." She then asked me to switch eyes and, lo and behold, it was a perfect grid.

At this point, I was starting to get a bit freaked out! Even the technician seemed a bit rattled as she hurried from the room. In the distance, I could hear her talking to the doctor... I caught a few words, "severe deficit and macula" but what did it all mean?

I was hurried to another room, where I had to stare at a yellow light and click a button every time I saw a red light flash... then it was on to the pressure test and finally the dreaded dilation. The doc came in and looked in my eyes... grabbed another instrument, looked again... grabbed a third and pushed away from me looking perplexed. He looked yet again and then proclaimed, "I'll be darned, you have a macular hole in your eye!" He briefly explained to me that this is typically a condition of the elderly and seemed a bit surprised that he'd identified it in a 40 year old. He talked about fovials and vitreous humor (is this a joke? am I supposed to be laughing?)... but, to be quite honest, at that point, I was just in shock. I was expecting glasses... not to be told that I needed eye surgery -- and sooner rather than later!

So, of course in typical Lauren fashion, I came home and immediately started researching the condition AND the surgery. It seems that the recovery from the surgery is the REAL issue -- at least for me. It can require as much as SIX WEEKS of remaining in a face-down position. That means no driving and no working. Being a sole proprietor, I'm in the "no work, no eat" category and, due to my autoimmune disease, I am ineligible for disability insurance. Kinda means I'm screwed! Do I take the chance of losing my house or losing my vision?

Do you see what I see? A HUGE dilemma! And talk about timing that just S-U-C-K-S!
Merry Christmas to me!

Procrastination

We're now entering the home stretch... just 12 days left until Christmas... and for the first time in my entire life I have not bought the FIRST present. Just thinking about shopping at this late date sends me into apoplectic fits. I can't BELIEVE I've let it get this far. At first, I was just in no mood to shop -- what with the separation and all and now... well, now I'm just terrified! I'm terrified of all of the frantic shoppers who push and shove and snatch toys from your hand. I'm terrified of the parking... EEGADS, the PARKING!!! And the thought of those lines snaking through the store filled with sick people, angry people, frustrated people, impatient people, people just like me who had rather be anywhere else in the world but here.

Alas, I think tomorrow is the day -- the day I throw caution to the wind and run headlong into the the scariest place of all this time of year... the MALL! I'm going armed with emergency flares and enough food and water to last for three days. If you don't hear from me soon, send search and rescue.

Eighty-nine years ago today

Eighty nine years ago today, the world welcomed a wonderful baby girl. She was born to poor farmers in a small town just north of Atlanta, Georgia. This baby would do some extraordinary things. In the 1920's, a complete education wasn't the norm -- most girls finished up with 8th grade, but this young lady went on to college, where she played basketball -- one more thing that set her apart from the typical girl. She went on to nursing school, until meeting the love of her life. Women weren't allowed to be nurses or teachers back then if they were married, so she gave up that dream and married this tall, handsome boy from the mountains.

Soon after they wed, Pearl Harbor was bombed and the young man went off to enlist... only he had a bad heart and they wouldn't take him. They did, however, send him off to a ship yard up north in Virginia. With all of their possessions in two suitcases and a steamer trunk, this young couple set off for Virginia, where they would spend the rest of their lives.

The young woman gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and then lost a baby boy several years later. She eventually ended up teaching -- once the restriction of marriage was lifted. She was such a dynamic person that to this very day people fondly recall her science class. She taught three generations of locals before finally retiring in 1979.

In 1992, she lost the only man she had ever loved. Her grief was profound and those who knew her best thought that she would lay down and die beside him. In an odd turn of events, she was diagnosed with breast cancer the following year and, instead of causing her to give up and join her beloved in heaven, it sparked a fire of defiance in her heart. She fought the disease valiantly for nearly ten years, although it had metasticized to her bones -- ribs, spine and skull. She rarely complained, but one day in March of 2002, she commented that she had a horrible headache. Forty-eight hours later, she lay in a hospital bed -- the victim of a catastrophic stroke.

With her only child, her baby sister and her grandchildren by her side, the life support was removed. Ten days later, she left this world and went to be with the man she loved so dearly.

Eighty-nine years ago today, my dearest friend -- my grandmother was born. I miss her still. I think I always will.

Jocularity

I just had a great laugh thanks to Charlie over at It Ain't All Pizzas and Cream. Go on over and add your mis-understood song lyrics to the list. Some of them are just hillarious.

I've also been laughing my butt off over at Kim's site, I Wasn't Always Like This. She's currently answering questions -- for each question asked, she's donating a dollar to St. Jude's. I can't wait for the answers!

At this point in time, I look for humor wherever I can find it. Unfortunately, I have none of my own to share tonight. I promise, I'll try to do better in the days and weeks ahead.

And we wonder why our kids are coming out of school illiterate

I am appalled... simply appalled. I keep meeting teachers -- both secondary and post-secondary -- who seem to be incapable of communicating properly. I thought teachers were supposed to know the difference between they're, their and there and be well versed in the proper use of grammar. I thought teachers were supposed to be capable of critical thinking. I thought teachers were supposed to know more than their students.

It just never ceases to amaze me that school systems and post-secondary institutions hire people who are incapable of any of the above. What's the deal? What gives? Why are these people given teaching credentials? I was merely RAISED by a teacher and I would never THINK of dangling participles or ending a sentence with a preposition, or using the wrong verb tense. I'm not perfect -- I readily admit that -- and I'm sure that if someone looked closely at my blog there would be an error or two that I've missed or days when I was going for emotion over technical perfection; however, I'm not a teacher. Neither my instruction nor my example is going to have any deleterious effects on young minds.

I am saddened by the level of mediocrity to which this country has fallen. Is there any end in sight? When are we going to stop accepting this and make a stand! If we paid teachers a wage on par with the importance of their duties then, perhaps, we'd get the brightest and the best instead of those for whom it's a last resort.

Our children deserve better.

Tell Him

Who do you tell? Who is the one person that you instantly pick up the phone and call when something exciting or upsetting or maddening happens? Who is the one person you know that will always try to make it better or fix it or just listen?

For me, it used to be my grandmother and for a long time after she passed, I would catch myself, hand poised on the telephone, thinking "let me tell Nannie about..." But in the years since her passing, that person has become my husband. Yes, I know you all must think he's a green monster with horns and and pointy tail -- but he's been my confidant -- my go-to guy -- even though he didn't always understand or do the best job of listening -- even though he tried to fix the unfixable, in typical male fashion.

Now that we're no longer a couple, I find myself floundering -- at a loss for what to do with my good news, bad news, any kind of news at all. So, my subconscious has devised a plan... I tell him in my dreams. In my dreams, he listens, understands, consoles and comforts. In my dreams he knows just what to say. In my dreams, he doesn't try to fix the unfixable -- just gathers me in his arms and strokes my hair... letting my tears fall on his chest. In the morning I wake up and go about my day... collecting my stories, my joys, my fears... so that I can tell him in my dreams.

A Good Day

Today, I insured the life of a divorced father. Because of my actions, his son will never have to do without if his dad passes away prematurely. I like this part of my job.

The Ugly Cry

Oh. My. God. This is going to sound completely inane... but I can't stop crying and it's all because of a stupid television signal. After waiting four hours for the satellite tv installer to arrive, he pronounced my location unacceptable due to the FREAKIN' ASS PINE TREES in my yard. He said that I wouldn't be able to get ANY of the satellites due to the trees and promptly departed.

So, I called the cable company back... planning to beg and grovel to get them to give me service... and I go round and round with them again about this $257. I argued until I was blue in the face and the girl INSISTED that I owed the money (even though she couldn't explain to me what it was for). Once again, I asked to be called by a supervisor... we'll see how long that takes. I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime, I can only get weak signals from two channels: ABC and my local PBS station. Woo-hoo.

I am so frustrated and angry that the tears just keep coming and that just makes me madder -- mostly because there are so many things worse than my piddly little problems. Of course, I have a client appointment in an hour and a half and I know my face and eyes will still be splotchy from the ugly cry.

Back to the Dark Ages

Good morrow, dear bloggers. Verily I say unto thee that my worst fears have been realized... yea, I have been returned hence to the Dark Ages -- and the plague -- nay, the CURSE -- of dial-up.

It seems that a certain cable company (which shall remain nameless) with whom I have had service at every residence I have ever occupied has suddenly determined that I owe them money from an account I held briefly in 1988. Yes, you read that correctly - nineteen eighty-eight! Although they are completely unable to confirm what the charges are for, they insist that I pay all $257 of it before they will give me service. Now, call me crazy, but I'll be damned if I'm going to stroke a check to a company for $257 without some sort of proof that this is a legitimate debt. Not to mention the fact that the statute of limitations on debt collection in my state is 5 years. So, I requested that they have a supervisor call me in order to rectify the situation. It's been four days and, as of this moment, my phone has not rung. They DID however, disconnect the service from my home -- which they had assured me would not happen.

This turn of events caused me to get my panties in a wad and I decided to boycott this service provider! Surely in this day and age, there would be other providers out there who could provide the same services... especially since monopolies are prohibited by law. I couldn't have BEEN more wrong. Of course, it doesn't help that I live in an old neighborhood -- established in the mid-sixties -- so we're not exactly wired with state-of-the-art cables and wires.

While I was easily able to sign up for satellite television (with no deposit or down-payment required because of my EXCELLENT CREDIT - THANK YOU VERY MUCH), my Internet service was another issue entirely. There is ONLY ONE SINGLE INTERNET PROVIDER who provides cable modem access in this entire area. In addition, there are NO DSL providers who service my area either. So, I ended up having to go back to dial-up with my telephone provider. I selected them because they have an "accelerator" program. What they DON'T tell you until you're finished with the sign-up is that all the accelerator does is reduce the quality of your graphics!

I sincerely hope that my righteous indignation is not overcome by the need for speed. This dial-up thing is tortuously s-l-o-w. All I can do is pray to the god of the Internet (that's Gore, right?) that some day soon the dastardly evildoers who've foisted this monopoly upon me and my fellow man will be forced out of business by a competitor!