So many times in my life I have sat before a blank sheet of paper or a blank computer screen with the intention of writing what I feel inside. It seems as if it should be a poem or a song... maybe a sad country song... or a blues number... but each time I start to write, it all falls apart. It starts to sound insipid, sickeningly banal... like emotional vomit.
I attempted it once again tonight. Once again, I failed. I ended up with a junior high rhyme that missed the depth of emotion by leagues. I'm going to try again... no rhyme, no reason, no verse or chorus... it may still be emotional vomit... but as my grandma always said, better out than in:
I'm disappointed with my life. There, I've finally said it. My life is so far from what I ever thought it would be that I don't even know how to live it most days. On so many levels, I'm not who or what I ever wanted to be. I know... boo-hoo... pull up your big girl panties and deal with it, right? But it's NOT all right. It's all wrong! In school, I was one of the brightest... most likely to succeed... Governor's School for the Gifted, pageant winner, highest IQ in the region, blah, blah, blah. I allowed myself to be victimized by a man and as a result threw all of that away... sloshing my way through a piss-ant college in a piss-ant town, washing down my dirty little secret with Segram's 7 and deadening my guilt with pain pills - seemed apropos. I hid from it, buried it, swallowed it, wallowed in it and it nearly killed me... but it didn't. Sometimes I wish it had.
Do you ever think about what you COULD have been? Do you ever kick yourself for all of the missed opportunities, the stupid choices, the downright INSANE turns you took in your life? I do. Sometimes, I reach a point of acceptance and think, "everything happens for a reason" and I'm okay with that for about a minute. I know in my heart that I SHOULD have been a musician/performer by trade... but here I sit, fat and forty and KNOWING there's no way that's going to happen now, save singing in a church choir or hanging out at karaoke bars. I had my opportunities. I threw them away.
I wanted to be a mother... I wanted daughters... I wanted to do ballet lessons and voice lessons, and cheering or field hockey or track... all the soccer mom stuff. I wanted to buy pretty little clothes and wear the badge of motherhood (otherwise known as spit-up) on my $100 dress. I tried, but my body failed me.
There was so much I wanted for my life and none of it has come to fruition. There are reasons -- some completely beyond my control -- but some days, like today, it just pisses me off and leaves me wondering -- what's the fucking point? Any monkey could do my job... there's no one who needs me... no one to carry on my name or my memory... I haven't made one iota of difference in this world and I just don't want to do this any more! Nothing matters... I keep trying to set goals, but they're just not important... money, trips, awards... they mean nothing to me because the things that mattered most are missing from my life.
I don't want anyone's pity. My own is more than I can bear. This just needed to be said. Maybe now I can move on.
8 comments:
You're not alone ~ there's a lot of that going around.
I'm 43 and still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Am I happy doing what I'm doing for a living? Most days. Am I passionate about it? No. And I feel sorrow for that. But it pays the bills and let me play. For now, that has to be enough.
Dearest Lauren,
I've never met you IRL, but to me, you are one of the strongest women I have ever met. I admire your courage, your tenacity, your beautiful voice (I heard it on the blog). Some days seem rough, but tomorrow is always another day. A person with friends, is NEVER a failure. Prayers to you tonight.
Nancy (palp)
Lauren, you and I are on a very similar path in life, having the same problems with infertility and all.
I know in recent months as I pass another year since my last pregnancy and loss, I find myself asking the same questions, and at times feeling like a failure as well.
But while there's something inside both of us that wallows in self-pity for a while, it's not within us to stay that way. Eventually, enough tears will be shed that you will feel like you have to pick up and rebuild.
I think the #1 thing you have to put out of your mind is that it's "too late" to do certain things. I've met old ladies graduating from law school, a 50-year-old who decided to start medical school, and years ago my own grandmother at the age of 76 decided to go on a tour of the Holy Land by HERSELF.
I know from my own failed marriage that it takes some reflection after a relationship ends, and I've heard that the 2nd is even harder because of the blow to the ego that the same "mistake" could be made again.
I sure hope you'll take the time to reflect as long as you need to, but eventually I know you'll pick yourself back up.
I got this today: "What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." - Albert Pike. (1809-1891)
Sorry this got so long...
Big hugs,
Julse
I know the self-pity is incredibly unattractive and I'll get over it eventually. I think that if I didn't have this blasted auto-immune disease that I might see more possibilities than I do - but honestly, it's all I can do some days to make it through 8 hours and feed the dog at the end of the day.
To bring a child into the equation doesn't seem quite fair. I can't let my own selfishness ruin a child's life. Who knows where this disease will end up... I could be completely disabled by it!
I just so do NOT want to become that sad old lady in the nursing home that no one comes to visit... who has no one and nothing and that no one even remembers. If God is gracious, I'll drop dead before that ever happens.
And just one little note for clarity -- my grandmother's dead -- I doubt very seriously that I make a difference in her life at this point. But I suppose it's the thought that counts, so thanks.
oh wow Lauren. I had no idea you felt this way. You make a difference to me and many others. I read what you wrote to Kerry about bringing a child into your life with your disease and not knowing what would the future brings. My husband has heart disease and I still wanted to adopt our daughter. I know that, most likely, I will be finishing the raising of her on my own and that scares me. It scares me so bad we almost didn't adopt. Please don't let the what-ifs stop you from letting the mother in you out. You have so much love , knowledge and guidance to give to a child.
All I can say is this... from what little time in life we have spent together, even across all these miles, you have inspired me. I don't say that easily but I feel a tremendous blessing knowing there are people out there who do have to face the hard stuff... illness, infertility, divorce, loss... and still keep living and breathing and being a beautiful, always caring person besides. You are one of those people Lauren, who, were it not for the loss of my angel, I would have never met and honestly, I would have been a loss for it.
I know you are feeling sad and rotten right now, and I say feel it. Do it...it's how it gets out of our systems or at least makes a peaceful place in our souls. But when you are ready to hear this, please know that I see you not a failure at all, but as someone who has taken the bumps (or worse) of life and you are doing it, that is, still living.
And believe me, as I reflect on all my choices, the regrets I've never had the guts, like you, to express to anyone, there are things that I wish had happened differently. But they didn't. They just didn't. But as I look back now at some of those things, I can see them woven into who I am, that make me the woman, albeit broken most of the time, I am today and I hope I am making the most of what I have now.
I know you are a woman of faith. One thing I cling to is that God can and will take our crap, what is done to us and what we have done to ourselves, and turn it into gold. Most of the time though, it means we have to go through the Refiner's Fire, and dangit, that just plain hurts.
You are in my thoughts and prayers for peace and strength and good things in your future... no pity here, just love my friend...
Thank you all for indulging me. As I read back over this, I just want to throw up. I suppose I could delete the post and pretend I was never so self-indulgent and petulent... but perhaps I need to leave it here to remind myself of how low I can sink when I don't pay attention to the things that matter. Maybe it was the fever talking! LOL
Anyway, I'm so blessed to have such wonderful friends. You guys have pulled me through more crap than the law should allow and I owe you all -- big time!
Thanks again for always being there to perform the optorectomy required to reverse my shitty outlook! LOL
Love you all!
I'm just catching up on my blog reading. Sounds like you are past the low point and the other commentors have said just about all. But I couldn't resist putting in my two cents worth. I think everyone has a purpose. And I don't think it is our job or how talented we are. I think it is how we affect other people. And it sounds like you've done plenty of that.
And as for writing, always write for yourself first.
Oh, and buy low and sell high. :)
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