There was a time when I would have cried myself to sleep and felt mistreated.
There was a time when your words would have cut me to the core.
Yes, there was a time, but now you can't hurt me anymore.
~Lauren
(c) iwasborntoolate 2005
____________________________________________________________________________________
It's happened. I don't know when... I don't know how... but it's happened. Mr. Small has ceased to be able to make me feel bad about myself. Last night, we were both watching a detective show on the "good" tv and we engaged in a bit of small talk. I made a comment about the case, which turned out to be exactly what the prosecutor chose to do -- I casually said, "yeah, I should have been a prosecutor." He said, "no, you'd never make it as a prosecutor. Knowing you, you'd give up the first time things didn't go your way and want to do something else. You simply don't have the tenaciousness (sic) to be a prosecutor." For a split second, my feelings were hurt -- a feeling quickly replaced by anger, and then "I'll show YOU tenacity!" and then, "who the fuck cares what you think, you moron?!?"
After giving momentary consideration to taking the LSATs and proving him wrong LITERALLY, I decided just to be the best me that I can be... but at least I didn't allow his words to send me in to a tailspin of self-doubt. I didn't allow him to push the PLAY button on the little voice inside my head that's told me I'm no good since I was 16 years old (that's a whole 'nuther post for a whole 'nuther day).I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to prove ANYTHING to him -- only to myself -- and I'm so much farther down that road than I've ever been before.
3 comments:
Amazingly enough, my ex-husband did something similar...I told him I wanted to back to school and finish my degree (he always held his big fat English degree over my head since he'd finished his education) and when I said I wanted to study to be a journalist, he said "You're not smart enough to be a journalist."
As hard as he had tried to put me down, it was then I realized how there was something truly wrong with this man. I am a lot of things, but stupid isn't one of them. It was the beginning of the end when he had no more hold on me, and I started thinking it wouldn't make it...
All I'm saying is, "I hear ya, Sister" ;)
Jules
I know that moment. The moment when you just don't care anymore. You don't care if they come home blind stinking drunk and vomit into the bathtub... you don't care if they stay out all night and come home smelling like cheap hoochie K-mart perfume... you don't care if they choke on the arsenic you slipped into their beanie weanies... After all that.... ehhhh a little insult can't hurt.
Are you down to hallway sex yet? (The "Fuck You" as you pass in the hall).
All I can say is "bravo"!!! What a great turning point for you, Lauren. You know that you know yourself better than he does. He doesn't know you at all or he would be treating you like the amazing woman that you are. Remember this day...
Post a Comment