WARNING: The use of spoken language is contraindicated.

I'm sure we all know people who thrive on contradicting others -- you know the ones:
You say it's black, he says it's white
You say it's half-full, he says it's half-empty
You say it's partly sunny, he says it's partly cloudy

But what about those insidious creatures who have raised it to an art form?
You say it's black, he says, "No, it's actually Pantone 419"
You say, "I think we might have rain today." He says, "No -- meteorologically speaking, the high pressure system to our west should push any moisture to our north and then well out to sea.
You say, "that was a pretty song." He says, "No, I found the development to be a bit simple and the primary theme became muddied in the recapitulation."
You say any word contained in the dictionary. He says, "No, I think you mean (insert synonym here, followed immediately by a complete etymological dissertation)
You say, "I hate you, you smug, pompous ass." He says, "No, I'm neither smug nor pompous. It's simply that you Americans don't understand genius."

In cases such as these, the above warning should be taken quite seriously. To ignore said warning could result in anxiety, agitation or serious bodily injury to the responding party, including but not limited to:

• being beaten senseless with a Websters Unabridged dictionary
• being forced to EAT a Pantone chart without benefit of condiments
• being forced to watch "Blue Collar Comedy" for an entire weekend
• being locked in a room with a REAL genius
• having a red hot poker jammed up your ass

Research has shown that the only effective remedy for this condition is complete silence. Do not engage the subject in conversation. Do not make casual remarks and FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN, do NOT articulate opinions or suppositions!

For additional help in dealing with this deadly disorder, please call:

1-800-KNOW-IT-ALL