Have Mercy, PLEASE!

In my new job, I am partnering with several agents around the metro area. One of them is a smoker -- as is her staff. I'm committed to being in her office two days per week and I think it's going to be the death of me.

See, this ex-smoker (me) has developed a severe allergy to cigarette smoke and all residuals thereof and the break room where they smoke is attached to my office. At the moment, I have an air purifier/ionizer sitting a few feet from my face and a can of Febreeze air freshener at the ready and I'm CHOKING TO DEATH!!!

I don't know if my poor respiratory system can take this much abuse. I just hope and pray that the allergic reaction doesn't trigger my immune system to flare up (I have Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease)

Another 30 minutes and I'm getting the heck out of here. I can't TAKE it any more!!!!!

A Turkey of a Day

Yesterday was an interesting day: a Thanksgiving Celebration on one side of the street, juxtaposed with a spouse moving out on the other. It made for an odd mix of emotions. At one point, we actually had an ARGUMENT over a garlic press!

Mr. Small: Well, one thing I'm taking for sure is MY garlic press.
Me (in one of my less-than-magnanimous moments): YOUR garlic press? My ass! That's MY garlic press. I bought it at Angela's Pampered Chef party in 1999!
Mr. Small: Nuh-uh... I bought this at Williams-Sonoma in Pennsylvania.
Me: I don't think so... look... right here on the handle... PAMPERED CHEF! When have YOU ever been to a Pampered Chef party? (Game, set and match!)

That incident aside, nostalgia had been creeping in and causing me to be a bit weepy, but this morning brought me close to a cure for that! I told Mr. Small that I would help him get the new apartment ready -- by doing the wifely stuff -- like washing and ironing curtains, packing up the dishes and the pots and pans. So, this morning, I'm standing at the ironing board, starching curtains while HE sits on his fat ass in the bedroom playing Halo 2. Ahhhhh... thank you for that dose of reality!

The one for whom I feel the most sorry in this whole mess is our puppy. He doesn't know quite what to think of all of the boxes and the hustle and bustle. I hope he won't be too sad.

For all of this, and more, I am truly thankful

I am thankful for:

1. My mom - my best friend. I'm so blessed to have her so close by.
2. My dad - without whom the above relationship would not be possible
3. My puppy - he loves me no matter what and his kisses always make me giggle
4. My beautiful home - which belonged to my grandmother and is so FULL of memories
5. My country - regardless of its faults and mistakes, it's still a pretty wonderful place.
6. Freedom of speech
7. Freedom of religion
8. The beauty of nature
9. Compassion
10. The ocean... which centers and calms me
11. My beautiful nieces
12. The joy of singing
13. The ecstasy of playing a Beethoven Sonata or a Chopin Etude
14. Music, music, music
15. Art
16. Artists
17. Abundant blessings
18. Security and plenty... and the understanding that we are defined not by what we have but by what we give
19. Flowers
20. Squirrels playing in the trees (but NOT digging up my bulbs from the garden! ;o)
21. Birds singing
22. Children singing
23. Children laughing
24. Good friends who take me just as I am -- warts and all
25. Food... for sustenance and for enjoyment... I'm so fortunate to know BOTH joys
26. A good education
27. Laughter
28. Freshly laundered linens
29. A good glass of wine
30. Harris Teeter - the only store in town that's open today to save me from my botched attempt at making a sugar-free cake from scratch (sorry mom)
31. Books to read and the freedom to read them
32. The gift of life
33. The gift of eternity
34. Oneness with the Universe
35. Joy unspeakable and full of glory
36. and many, many, many more things

I am truly, truly blessed.

No wonder our roads are among the worst in the country!

Twas the night before Thanksgiving
While driving through town,
A series of signs said that one lane was down.
With me in the right lane and others there too,
We were merging quite nicely -- we knew what to do.
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a blinking arrow sign and eight tiny reindeer (actually, they were orange cones, but that just doesn't rhyme!).
We scurried and hurried and moved to the left
And some sat there staring and looking bereft.
The workers seemed stunned, confused by the scene
As some honked their horns and yelled words quite obscene.
I heard it exclaimed as I drove out of sight, "it's the other left lane, moron... can't you get it right?"

It's times like this when I really wish I'd taken the plunge and gotten a trendy camera phone!

Random ramblings...

Well, girls' night out was fun. We talked for hours and then decided to go catch a movie and another friend joined us there. We saw Prime with Meryl Streep and Uma Thurman. It was funny and poignant and absolutely MADDENING at the end. I HATED, HATED, HATED the ending. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who may want to see it, but all three of us were kvetching about it as we made our exit from the theatre. Still, Meryl's performance alone made it worth the price of admission.

On the home front, I had to encounter the first, and hopefully last, maddening interaction with a service provider. I HATE having to explain my personal life to perfect strangers. I put in an order for new service with the cable company and came home to this sickeningly sweet message on my voice mail - addressed to Mr. Small - stating, "Lauren isn't on your account as an authorized user, so I need your permission to make this change. If you could just call me and tell me it's okay to let her make this change, we'll get the upgrade taken care of." Oh. My. God. was my blood boiling... LET me make a change on a service that's attached to MY HOUSE that's in MY NAME. Red, I tell you, I was seeing RED! And all of this is due to the fact that he LIED to me about having put in his request for a service change!!!!! Now, my installation date is going to be delayed because HE didn't do what he said he was going to do.

Methinks it's time for a very large glass of vino... especially now that I've had to chase the dog through the house to TRY to get him to barf on a hard surface, instead of an oriental rug. Why do dogs choose the BEST rug in the house on which to vomit????? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

A New Lease on Life

Today, Mr. Small is signing an apartment lease. I'm anticipating that he'll move next weekend, if he can find a mover.

So, I'm starting to think about how I'm going to arrange the furniture and what I'll do with all of the extra space... but for some reason, I can't seem to think about the "new lease" without also feeling a little nostalgic at the expiration of the old one.

That being said, I have plans for the evening. I'm meeting a girlfriend for dinner and drinks. We haven't seen each other in a few months, so there will be lots of catching up to do. I always have fun when the two of us get together. We even set our dinner date early so we'll have plenty of time for talking... our Girls' Night Out always seems to last into the wee small hours of the morn.

Guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll do an audio 'Sing it Sunday' post tomorrow. ;o)

That Place

I went to that place yesterday. I hadn't been there in a long time -- months, perhaps. I'd forgotten how much I love that place. There is peace and joy... joy like the Bible talks about... unspeakable and full of glory... I always loved that verse. I've been visiting that place since I was about twelve... it got me through the worst times in my life... it kept me going... it healed my broken spirit... but I've neglected it and I wondered if I'd be able to find my way back. Surely the path was overgrown.

But there it was... in all of its glory... that place. If you're a musician, then you know it well... it's that place you go where your body seems to disappear and you become part of something greater than yourself... where you cease to think about the notes you're playing and just let the music pour from your body... it's a spiritual experience... supernal... words fail to capture the magnitude of emotion -- the sheer bliss of becoming one with the creative energy.

I went to that place yesterday and found myself there.

Rusty Pipes

Last week after church, the choir director at the church I've been visiting came flying out of the building after me - no doubt tipped off by the deaconness who was standing in front of me during the service. She wanted me to come visit the choir and see if I would consider joining. I was unable to attend last week because of travel for work, but I'm going this week. I just hope she isn't disappointed! I'm afraid my upper register is quite rusty and I'm not convinced of my ability to squeak out so much as a high G... and God forbid I be required to go higher than that!

I suppose it's time to get back to a regular routine of vocal exercise... there's just one problem with that... the dog barks every time I start. Maybe he thinks I'm in pain, or maybe it hurts his ears... I'm not sure which... but either way, it's certainly not encouraging! A music critic dog... who'd've thunk it?

Damned Dreams!

I woke up at 4:22 this morning from a terrible dream... in the dream my sister-in-law died. I could see her brother sitting in the corner of the room, looking lost and forlorn. All I could think of was how much I wanted to wrap him in my arms and comfort him, but no one would let me in the room.

There were two women (one, I think, was his ex-wife) who accosted me and started taunting me... I finally snapped and wrestled one of them to the ground. As I knelt over her, shaking her by the shoulders, I was shouting, "He's STILL my husband and I STILL love him... he needs me" and then I woke up. I couldn't get back to sleep and I couldn't stop crying. I finally crept into his room, and laid down beside him. He held me as I sobbed uncontrollably. This is the man with whom I fell in love... whose embrace can make bad dreams go away... this is the man who infuriates me, frustrates me, saddens me and hurts me... this is the man I love, but with whom I cannot live.

Damned dreams.

The ABC's of Me

• A is for age: 40
• B is for booze of choice: either a nice Shiraz or a Cosmopolitan
• C is for career: Financial Services Professional
• D is for your dad's name: Bill
• E is for essential items to bring to a party: Wine and cheese
• F is for favorite song at the moment: ‘Home’ by Michael Buble
• G is for favorite game: Scategories
• H is for hometown: right here
• I is for instruments you play: piano, keyboard, synth
• J is for jam or jelly you like: apple butter
• K is for kids: None
• L is for living arrangements: Me in one bedroom, STBE (soon-to-be-ex) in another, with my puppy by my side – always.
• M is for mom's name: Lenora (Lee to her friends)
• N is for name of your crush: don't have one
• O is for overnight hospital stays: 2 (ischemic migraine and emergency back surgery)
• P is for phobias: snakes and things that go bump in the night
• Q is for quotes you like: "I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul." William Ernest Henley
• R is for relationship that lasted the longest: 6 ½ years with my STBE
• S is for sexual preference: I’ll take a vibrator over a man any day of the week.
• T is for time you wake up: workdays – 5:30, weekends as late as the puppy will let me sleep
• U is for underwear: Hanes Her Way
• V is for vegetable you love: asparagus
• W is for weekend plans: My nieces’ soccer game in the morning, then rehearsing my presentation, then I’m off to the Virginia Chorale to enjoy a concert!
• X is for x-rays you've had: a bajillion of my back, several of each of my arms, a few chest x-rays and one of my right ankle.
• Y is for yummy food you make: KILLER macaroni and cheese from scratch
• Z is for zodiac sign: Gemini (II)

To Schtik or Not to Schtik...

That is the question... at least, that is the question facing me today. When I was in Chicago, my new company presented me with a canned presentation to be used with all customers. The fella who presented it to us was from Georgia or maybe Alabama... and he was a Good Ol' Boy. The presentation worked brilliantly for him - despite the plethora of chiche's and tie downs (the "wouldn't you agree, Mr. Customer?" questions).

Now, the concept is wonderful and the marketing collateral that accompanies it is wonderful... but the script... well, the script is just NOT me. So, I've spent the better part of the day re-tooling the presentation. I found that there was so much used-car-salesman schtik in there that I was hard-pressed to make it sound like something I would EVER say. (eg 'People don't plan to fail, they just fail to plan.' 'Would you agree with me that the person who can assist you when you're older is the younger person you are today?' ' While you may not be able to add more years to your life, by following this plan, you could add more life to your years!')


I had to remain true to the concepts being presented and endeavor to keep it interesting without being hokey. I think I'm there -- at least about 95% of the way there. I kept one cliche' and a few tie downs and (I'd like to think) artfully recrafted some of the segues from concept to concept. I'm being "tested" on this on Wednesday. I wonder if I'll pass the Schtik test?

Scattered

Today, my thoughts are so scattered I can hardly complete a sentence. At once, I'm thinking about the pending separation, the myriad tasks that need to be completed to start my new job, and the myriad tasks that need to be completed here at home. All of this is flavored by a wistful sadness. This separation is something I've been moving toward for months -- quite nearly a year, truth be told -- so why, now that the finish line is in sight, would I feel this way?

I'm sure that part of it is due to the fact that Mr. Small is being his typical conciliatory, magnanimous self -- the side of him I like to call the "Stepford Husband." Yellow mums or purple pansies in the front bed? I think a bigger part of it still is that I'm really going to be alone... childless, 40 and divorced (again)... maybe some of each or maybe ornamental cabbage? I wonder if I'll end up being the strange old maid with a house full of dogs and cats... and I really need to unclog that drain in the guest bathroom sink. Will I follow through with my dreams of travel and making lots of new friends and catching up with old ones? I HAVE to finish those online training modules today. Will I find myself again -- under the extra 40 pounds I've gained -- rediscover my voice, take up dancing again? Don't forget your list of phone calls for today... Or will I get mired down in the daily routine? You STILL haven't memorized that script! I know that I'm the only one who has control over these things... and perhaps that is what scares me the most. SHIT! I hope I can get all of this done on time! Oh, and you REALLY need to mow the back yard...

.

A Political Statement

Along with approximately 42,917 other Virginians, I made my statement to the Republican Party of Virginia yesterday. What I said, if they care to listen, is that I'm not going to vote for right-wing candidates who run negative campaigns frought with attack ads that say nothing of what the candidate himself will do -- only what 'evils' his opponent will do. What I said is, I want the party to return to its roots -- that of limited powers of the Federal Government and fiscal conservatism. What I said is, give me a candidate with substance -- not one who speaks in Bushesque soundbytes. What I said is, come on, Virginia, we can do better than this!

I am so very weary of hearing people say, "I'm voting for the lesser of two evils." People, evils triumphs when good men do nothing... and if we continue to vote for these 'lesser evils' we're still just getting 'evil.' My vote was cast for a Republican moderate who ran as an independent -- a candidate very few people knew anything about, because the two-party system in this country has become so powerful and so manipulative that they will not allow other voices to be heard. It's sad, it's maddening, it's so un-American.

There is so much more I could say on this topic, but I am faced with a two hour drive to Richmond this morning for a training class. Suffice it to say that in this blogger's opinion, Jerry Kilgore reaped what he sowed -- if you sow strife, you'll reap strife -- and I would be willing to bet that there is a great deal of that in his camp this morning.

A House Divided

"Take your cat and leave my sweater... we've got nothing left to weather..."
That's where we are this morning -- only, in true fashion, there's a twist. Mr. Small has turned his nose up at everything we own. It went something like this:

Mr. Small: F***, I guess I'm going to have to buy all new pots and pans.
Me: We can divide up what we have. There should be enough for two single people.
Mr. Small: Nah... I'd rather have a whole set of the ones with the copper bottoms... what are they called?
Me: Revere Ware?
Mr. Small: Yeah, that's it. I'll get me a brand new set of those. (sulking) Guess I'll have to buy a new sofa too.
Me: You can have the reclining sofa which I just HAVE to add is the one HE picked out and I abhor
Mr. Small: (grimacing) Eh, it's really not comfortable enough to sleep on... I want one like my old one that's more comfortable. Do we still have the dishes from when I moved out last year?
Me: No, we sold those at the garage sale. I have enough of Nannie's that I can give you half.
Mr. Small: No, that's okay... I'll buy me some new ones.
Me: Really, it's okay... there are twelve in the set and I'll never need that many.
Mr. Small: (wrinkling up his nose) I really don't like those... I'd rather have my own. Do we have an extra coffee maker?
Me: Why don't you take the one with the timer the one he INSISTED on buyingand I'll just pick up a small two-cupper?
Mr. Small: That's okay... I don't like that one anyway... I'll get a better one. (dejectedly) I guess I can sleep on whatever sofa I buy.
Me: If you'd like, you can take the bedroom suite...
Mr. Small: Hmmm... maybe you could just pay me half of what we paid for it...
Me: I don't have that kind of money laying around... sorry.

TEN MINUTES LATER:
Mr. Small: I hope you don't mind if it takes me a while to move out. This move is going to be expensive.
Me: What kind of timeline were you thinking about?
Mr. Small: At least until after Christmas. My greencard is about to expire and I want to apply for citizenship... something he's been PROMISING to do for 6 years and for which MY parents gave him the money... which got frittered away ages ago
Me: I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. Perhaps if you economized a bit and didn't insist on buying everything new it wouldn't be such a stretch... but then, I forgot, you're too good for hand-me-downs. December 1st -- that's the deadline.
Mr. Small: Well, maybe I'll just sell everything I own and buy a boat.
Me: Yeah... you do that.
-- end--

That's it. I'm done being generous. Can you BELIEVE this guy? He also had the audacity to ask for his "share" of the equity in the house... not two months ago he signed a quit claim deed and I refinanced in my name only. What a nimrod. There IS no equity in the house!

Gentle readers, I never intended this to be a chronicle of a divorce... it just so happens that that's where my life is at the moment... I hope to return to some witty repartee at some point in the near future. For now, I just need to VENT! Thanks for your support.

All's Quiet on the Western Front...

This morning's routine went off without so much as a snide remark, for which I am most grateful. I ALMOST e-mailed him an apartment brochure from Apartments.com, but I figured I'd best let the sleeping dog lie, if you know what I mean.

Despite the fact that I'm about to embark on what I know from personal experience to be a painful process, I feel so relieved -- happy almost. My biggest fear is that he will attempt to "dog nap" Caleb... I found it hysterically funny that he wanted to get into a pissing match over who takes better care of the dog. Hmmm... let's see...

Him:
Grossed out by puke, pee and poop and, therefore, will not clean it up.
Has spent $0 on veterinary care
Takes the dog out and/or feeds him ONLY if I am incapacitated or absent
Has spent lots-o-dollars on toys and treats
Has zero patience when he misbehaves or wants attention when it's not convenient
Loves to get him all riled up and then gets mad when the dog gets rambunctious
Has been heard stating, "Sometimes I just want to rip his throat out." and "I never wanted a dog anyway, so YOU have to take care of him."

Me:
Always cleans up the puke, pee and poop
Has paid for all veterinary care and administers all regular treatments
Takes him out at 5am every morning and every time in between.
Serves all meals
Has spent not-as-many-dollars on toys and treats
Sometimes gets frustrated with rambunctious behavior... but would open a vein for the little guy in a heart beat.

I guess he knew that was the quickest way to get to me... he was right.

So You Think You Know Me Part II

Thanks to Sheri over at Deerledge for this fun Quiz... let's see if anyone REALLY knows me:

Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

Have fun!!!

What I am not...

I am not a happy person. I was happy for five days in a strange city where I didn't know a soul -- but within moments of arriving home, the happiness had vanished.
I am not a strong person. Although I like to think of myself as being strong, in the face of the negative energy projected within my home, I find myself laid low -- unable to rise above it.
I am not a brave person. A brave person would have ended this charade long ago.
But what I AM today is finished. I am finished being unhappy, I am finished being affected by negativity and I am finished living a charade.
As of today, I AM NOT going to take this any more. Wish me luck. It's Independence Day.

UPDATE:

***************NOT A HAPPY PLACE AROUND HERE**************

Accusations are flying and I was just told to do unnatural things to myself. He's cursing and drinking and I'm not entirely sure where it's all going to end up. I will say, however, that he is the one who broached the subject. Let's hope this can all be handled amicably... somehow I doubt it.

Weary to the bone...

That's me tonight. I was up at five this morning in order to finish packing, finish my homework, eat breakfast and arrive at class before 8 am. I just now got home. It was a long week and my wee noggin is stuffed to the brim with facts, ideas and concepts. As we speak, they're jostling around in there for the best position and it's given me quite a headache!

I met some very nice people and some people that just made my skin crawl... unfortunately, one of the latter was sitting right beside me. Eeegads.

I shit you not (borrowed phrase from our resident "fake doctor"), I wasn't in the car two minutes before Mr. Small started harping on the driver in front of us and complaining about women, and certain ethnic groups. As tired as I was, I swear I could have gotten out and walked home. Some things just never change.

So... I'll try to write something more articulate and interesting tomorrow. For now, I'm going to go snuggle up with my puppy and go to sleep in MY bed.

Toodles.

A taste of the city

Can you tell I was bone tired when I did this one?