Today, my thoughts are so scattered I can hardly complete a sentence. At once, I'm thinking about the pending separation, the myriad tasks that need to be completed to start my new job, and the myriad tasks that need to be completed here at home. All of this is flavored by a wistful sadness. This separation is something I've been moving toward for months -- quite nearly a year, truth be told -- so why, now that the finish line is in sight, would I feel this way?
I'm sure that part of it is due to the fact that Mr. Small is being his typical conciliatory, magnanimous self -- the side of him I like to call the "Stepford Husband." Yellow mums or purple pansies in the front bed? I think a bigger part of it still is that I'm really going to be alone... childless, 40 and divorced (again)... maybe some of each or maybe ornamental cabbage? I wonder if I'll end up being the strange old maid with a house full of dogs and cats... and I really need to unclog that drain in the guest bathroom sink. Will I follow through with my dreams of travel and making lots of new friends and catching up with old ones? I HAVE to finish those online training modules today. Will I find myself again -- under the extra 40 pounds I've gained -- rediscover my voice, take up dancing again? Don't forget your list of phone calls for today... Or will I get mired down in the daily routine? You STILL haven't memorized that script! I know that I'm the only one who has control over these things... and perhaps that is what scares me the most. SHIT! I hope I can get all of this done on time! Oh, and you REALLY need to mow the back yard...
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1 comment:
Scattered is normal. It's what happens when intelligent people have a full plate, overloaded even, and are trying to sort it out.
BREEEEEEEEATHE.
I find when I'm in panic mode, making a list and keeping a journal are both helpful. Have it on you at all times so Small doesn't get ahold of any notes he can use as ammo.
I'm glad he's being Stepford -- for now. I'm sure it scares you as much as it does me as to when it's going to soak in and he goes back to being his true self.
And BTW, if you end up being that lady who lives alone with a bunch of cats, remember -- you could be accompanied by a drunken husband with a gun -- and suddenly kitties and solitary living don't seem quite so bad, do they?
HUGS sweetie
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