I woke up at 4:22 this morning from a terrible dream... in the dream my sister-in-law died. I could see her brother sitting in the corner of the room, looking lost and forlorn. All I could think of was how much I wanted to wrap him in my arms and comfort him, but no one would let me in the room.
There were two women (one, I think, was his ex-wife) who accosted me and started taunting me... I finally snapped and wrestled one of them to the ground. As I knelt over her, shaking her by the shoulders, I was shouting, "He's STILL my husband and I STILL love him... he needs me" and then I woke up. I couldn't get back to sleep and I couldn't stop crying. I finally crept into his room, and laid down beside him. He held me as I sobbed uncontrollably. This is the man with whom I fell in love... whose embrace can make bad dreams go away... this is the man who infuriates me, frustrates me, saddens me and hurts me... this is the man I love, but with whom I cannot live.
Damned dreams.
4 comments:
Oh Lauren, I've had dreams similar to that. After my Dad died in 1992, I had a series of dreams, one where I saw him but it turned out not to be him -- then another where I could see him but not touch him -- then the last where we spent the day together, and I showed him where I worked, etc.
Then he said something about gay people that wasn't complimentary at all, something he would never say in real life (my brother had come out earlier that year, and I knew Dad would have handled it better than Mom did initially). In the dream, I then realized "oh yeah, this isn't really you, you're dead."
I woke up oddly glad that at least I got to spend time with him, and we did get to talk, but my heart had accepted what had happened.
Dreams can mean a lot of things -- right now you are overwhelmed with thinking of going through another divorce, and you know your feelings for your STBE, even though he can be a jerk, you obviously still care for him, esp. since he's been such a "prince" lately, and it's confusing.
I don't know what else to say except ((HUGS)) to you, sweetie.
Jules
Lauren - this post made me cry. I feel bad becuase I can't even tell you I understand what you're going through but I do support you. I'm sure it's hard, frustrating nad confusing and I don't kow what to sya to help you. Mr. S will always have a place in your heart, of this I am sure. Any love does.
HUGS
Damned for sure... but sadly, necessary. I believe we grieve more profoundly in our dreams, do the real work, the stuff that keeps us from frankly losing it in our dreams. I have come to believe that the things our soul can't tell us when we are awake come out there. I've had these kind of dreams and have sobbed for days... I am so, so sorry you are going through all of this. As always, (((((Hugs)))) You deserve to be loved and treasured and safe and cared for... I pray you find peace and life and hope and purpose and joy ... oh, let it be so...
I understand this and feel for you. I think we all grieve for the loss of a relationship. I acutally think you are coming to accept it. When you remember the strong love for him rather than just the pain... you are coming to grips with the relationship ending.
I look at my ex and wonder how I ever loved this man. I still feel nothing but hatred at this point. For the sake of my daughter, I hope I eventually remember how I loved her father and settle into some sort of respect for the man.
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